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April 3, 2001

Here I am. Solving the world's problems one person at a time...

;^)

But... there are some problems that cannot be solved... like today, the old black Lab Crash is on the downside again. He's listless and not moving anything much except his eyes. It appears he has had another mini stroke. So far, I haven't been able to get him up and moving around, so, I stayed home from the office to be with him. If he's getting ready to check out to the big dog house in the sky, I don't want him to be alone.

If you recall, he had the first stroke months ago and recovered fairly quickly. He doesn't appear to be in any pain and wagged his tail slightly when I sat down near him. Damn. His face is peppered with white hair and his muscles have gone a bit soft, but, otherwise he looks like the same dog that would furiously run across the yard at squirrels, rabbits and the neighbor's cat. He never caught any of them, but, he seemed to be proud of his ability to scare the hell out of them. After all, this was his yard and no other animal should be in it.

Crash has tolerated the puppies well. Especially for an old guy and being king of the compound. The puppies used to get an occasional snarl or a growl out of him, now, he graciously allows them to sniff his face without showing off his dingy teeth. Tasha even snuck and gave him a little kiss on the muzzle yesterday, something which prompted him to stand up and face the door wanting to be let in away from the kissing bully.

later in the afternoon I managed to rouse Crash enough to get him outside. His gait was unsteady and, like the last time he stroked, he seemed to favor one side over the other.

early evening Crash was back in the house for a few hours when he slowly pulled himself up and stood near the door. While he was in, he drank some water but didn't touch his food. I tried to give him a piece of cheese but he wouldn't touch it. Highly unusual. Especially since the majority of his motivation over the last few years has been food alone.

April 4, 2001

Crash is still hanging in there. What a resilient dog he is. My sis just called to check and see if he croaked yet... hmmmm... nope.

After 10 at the office, I was happy to see the driveway. It was a sunny day and I looked forward to letting the dogs out and taking them for a walk around the yard. Today Booda was the bad seed puppy. He ran across the open yards of a few neighbors and retrieved something from a backyard firepit. When I called him, I could see that he was carrying something in his mouth. It was white. Tasha stayed next to me on the trail the entire time. I thought it was unusual that she was being so well behaved that I didn't notice his disappearance right away. She alerted me to his adventure by going to the edge of the yard and staring in his direction while glancing back at me. She may as well have said, "look... there he is!"

Once he's in the yard with the goods, under no uncertain terms was he going to come to me and let me see what he had. He wouldn't even share it with Tasha. Hmmmm. It must be something important.

The next thing I know is Tasha is back at my side on the trail and Booda is across the yard. At some point he decided to move closer with the booty. Once Tasha and I rounded the corner of the trail, I could see him just off the trail up ahead. He didn't have the stolen goods in his jaws any longer. The moment I realized this, I see that he has thrown himself to the ground and is wriggling with his belly to the sky.

OHSHIT. He's rolling in it. And, oh shit is right.... it was a diaper.

Apparently, someone changed the kid by the bonfire and threw in the used diaper along with a complimentary baby wipe. It managed to get marginally scorched without being destroyed.

Booda thought he won a prize. But, now I know he's a roller. Not good. And, so much for that innocent puppy fragrance.

I am grateful for Tasha's sweetness today. Booda is now on my shit list.

April 6, 2001

Damn.

It's Friday. Here's the weekend.Wooooooo-hoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

For a few minutes anyway.... I thought that I was only living for the weekend.....

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for sleep..... BUT,..... I thought again - AND........... maybe not.

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WHY?

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Welllllllllllll........ OK...... I'll tell ya.....

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I drove past the liquor store on the way home tonight and I DID stop and buy a small bottle of Crown.

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Actually..... if the truth be known..... it was much more of a WANT than a "had to have it" kind of need.

I wasn't going through DT's about it. Just haven't had any in a while.

Like a bandit, I went home.

And, I say that with an abundance of confidence...... since most people who "read me" don't write. Or, so I've been told < again >. Lately anyway.

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People like YOU maybe.

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People that read this journal like it's a fucking secret.

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And guess what........? . . . . . . . . . . .

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and...... if you are astute enough to be wondering.....

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The scene: Saturday night.

Location: The compound. Interior..... original inner sanctum - the long room in front of the house.

Wasssup?: My friend Gail just left. We had a late dinner and a gabfest for dessert.
 
 

About an hour after dinner, we looked at a copy of the National Enquirer. It was the "what the stars actually look like" issue. You know the scene: pictures of celebrities without makeup, with botched plastic surgery, etc. Seeing these people "as they actually are," reinforced our own adequacy. Hmmmmmm. WOW!!!! To think that we were truly OK!!!! I mean... WHAT a concept! Still..... it IS rather amazing what makeup does for some of these people. Utterly marvelous transformations. In fact, it's SO amazing that it's a surprise that we didn't decide to give ourselves an impromptu make over.

Somehow we resisted.

I guess that L-tryptophan kicked in from the turkey we consumed for dinner. We didn't even think of make overs. If we had.... It may have been an entirely different evening. I might not have even had the time to write. What in the hell am I talking about? Huh.... wellllll.... L-trypto is a "natural" sedative. Something in the turkey tissue. In case ya didn't know....

Uhhhhhhgggggggggggghhhhhhh. OHMYGOD.

Damn. Did I HAVE to say that?

Ummmmmm...... probably not. BUT..... it IS the truth. Yet.... that sounds SOOOOOOOOO gross.

But I did, I roasted dinner....

....I cooked a turkey breast.

Hmmmmmm...... which makes me wonder..... < and wander >...... WHY do they call it a turkey breast? Just ONE syllable. Huh? Welllllll..... factually, we devoured turkey breasts. In the plural form. DUH. Like...... add the "S." This was NOT a turkey with a mastectomy. They were BOTH there.

April 11, 2001

What have I been up to?

Wellllll.... for starters:
I knocked a hole in the wall. A great big one.

AND...... I did it on purpose.

I opened up the wall going in the unfinished addition in the old bedroom. 4 feet 4 inches wide. Limited to that size due to the existing studs and, the placement of the main electrical box. A messy job but, I busted it out and cleaned up the debris and then hung plastic in the opening between the rooms. That should keep the dust down. Some anyway. It always seems to creep into the entire house. Never fails.

Had to re-route part of the electrical run. With that done, next I have to come up with the electrical plan for the room and assess the materials needed to install the rough wiring. Planning and preparation seems to be the largest part of any important project.

I managed to do all of this and escape with only a sliver in my finger. Oh yeah, that's if you don't count my breaking 2 nails. Right down to the quick.

Otherwise I've been putting time in at the office. Crunch time. A horrendous struggle of a workload. One that I'd like to put behind me in 3 - 4 weeks. I'll be hard pressed to do it, but, I haven't given up on the thought yet. I may end up putting some extra hours in on the project. You do what ya gotta do sometimes..... it isn't always what you'd like to do. Again, it's that discipline and sacrifice thing. Of course, I'd rather be doing something else, BUT, I try not to think about that too much.

I'm continuing my work on shredding old papers. I've now got 3 large garbage bags stuffed full of shredded paper. I'm keeping them to use as packing material for my eventual move.

Crash is still hanging in there. Although, he looks like hell. He's eating and wanting to go out at night to check to see if the neighbor is feeding him, then he customarily stands whining at the door to come in to sleep. And, I do mean whining in the most yelpy way. Him sleeping indoors has become a habit over the last year. In the morning he will sometimes pretend that he is invisible, but, his big dog smell gives him away every damn time.

Crash was always an outdoor dog. Now he's a "you're going outside" dog.

My sis stopped by with the kids last night after I got home from work. I had just let the pups out to run and was about to torch the demolition scrap pile in the bonfire pit. Of course, when the boys saw me crouched down near the fire pit... they came running. They were excited about my having a fire. "Look Mom! She's lighting a fire," they shouted as they barreled toward me. A major occasion. It was their first fire of the year in my backyard. Always a novelty to them since they live in the city, where the only thing that burns are the houses themselves. That's if you don't count the 16 year olds burning rubber, or, a dinner that is neglected.

I am definitely not a city girl. While I can appreciate the amenities a city has to offer, I can't imagine living there. Not with >>> snap your fingers here <<< THAT much yard. But then, I know people who live in the city that said they would be  "too afraid" to live away from town.

Now I'm wondering.... afraid of WHAT? Afraid of being able to hear yourself think? Afraid you'd miss the sirens? Afraid of a darker sky at night, one that's filled with many more visible stars? Afraid you'd have to drive a few miles to get to the store? Afraid you might not have cable TV? Afraid you'd cough and the neighbors wouldn't hear you?  Afraid no one could hear your cries for help?

I confess that I did live in an apartment in the city for a short time. A VERY short time. You might have guessed that I didn't care for it. And, while all experiences are different... these are mine: I got tired of hearing the white trash couple that fought and swore all hours of the night downstairs where I lived. AND... on one side in the next house was pair of greasy looking, slow moving folks that had very predictable and loud sex. They obviously lacked imagination. But... equally as enjoyable was the hairy, flabby flap of a gut guy on the other side. He was an amateur exhibitionist who walked around and posed next to open windows in his dingy underpants.

Damn. Wouldn't YOU miss that? Wouldn't anyone?

Needless to say, I broke my lease.

Wow! I've come a long way baby. From breaking my lease to breaking my ass...

Spent the weekend up until Easter busting through some old boxes and shredding more old papers. Seems I've embarked < full-tilt > upon the dreaded sporadic behind the scenes, spring cleaning binge. Finally I am going through boxes that I've had packed away in storage long, long ago. This is part of the overall purge before I could ever think about leaving spree. I feel very good about it. Even though things look messier than they did before, this has been a long time coming. And, even though I've got a way to go... at least I have begun.

81 days and counting down. Michelle sent me a countdown clock < ! >... counting down to the day she and the kids arrive here. It's been 2 months since I've seen them. Two long months. Nearly 3 to go and I'm trying to have a good attitude about it. Sometimes it's harder than others. Of course, staying super busy does help. But, regardless of what I do... I always have plenty of time to think about it and to miss them.

Damn. It's Monday morning and finally.... I am at the keyboard writing. Music from Super Mario brothers on the Nintendo 64 is playing in the room. My six year old nephew is enthralled with the game. I am interrupted with words like WATCH and LOOK, along with phrases like, "can you help me get through this part?" and "can you read this for me?" along with, "what are you doing?" You know... typical kid stuff.

I've had him here since yesterday afternoon. It was his turn in the rotational stay-over. Next it'll be his 4 year old sister.

Last night he was definitely thrilled to death to eat a TV dinner. Whatever it is about these processed foods it sure seems to be quite the hit with the kids.  I inspected the label while talking to M on the phone. The damn thing had nearly 500 calories in it! Almost half of which were in the form of fat. Eeeeeeeewwwwwww.

Anyway, he devoured everything except for the green beans... < which he called "icky" > and,  after doing so, he licked his lips and patted his belly with a big grin appearing on his face. While he walked toward the trash with the plastic dish, he declared that this was the very best food he has had in a long, long time. I smiled and said... well then... It was worth all of that slaving in the kitchen then wasn't it?

Yeah. According to him - it was.

Before dinner last night, we were outside with the pups.  He helped me clean up the Outback and was quite proud of himself for doing so.

Before we even went outside I heard the dogs going ballistic. When I looked out the window I saw my neighbor's grandson standing on a bench throwing sticks at the puppies. I hollered out the door at him, "hey... quit teasing those dogs!" He was startled and jumped off the bench and walked toward me sporting a silly grin and flashing his braces at me, "are they mean? ...are they yours? ...when and where did you get them?" he asked. Uhhhhhh... yeah... they are mine... I've had them since they were tiny puppies and NO...  they are not normally mean... but... I can tell they sure don't like you. To which he replied, "ohhhh, ummmmm... ok... I'm 13 now!" as he walked away.  Hmmmm..... ok.

So... we go let the dogs out. They run around the yard like crazy and jump around thanking me for releasing them. They are always soooooooo excited to get the outdoor pass. I would prefer they were calmer upon releasing them, but, they are still puppies.

Meanwhile, my neighbor has her kids over for Easter dinner while the grandkids are outside running around. A couple of them are driving her lawnmower and pulling others in the attached cart. It's noisier around here than usual. I was proud of the pups for sticking around in the yard and not being interested at all about chasing the kids or even crossing the property line. I wasn't sure how they'd react.

While my nephew and I swept out the Outback, the 13 year old appeared at the open door. Tasha and Booda were inside and they were madder than ever. I had never seen them act like this way. They were barking ferociously. I told the kid not to take another step. He froze.

Tasha was showing all of her teeth. She was snarling in between barks and her lips were quivering. While I couldn't see Booda's face, his muscles were flexed at full attention while he held his tail straight out. Booda was inching forward toward the open door with about every 10 barks. Deep guttural barks that sounded some 10 times his size. I told the kid to back away. I knew if he would have moved another step toward them I couldn't trust them not to nail him. I told him that. He said he was scared of them. From the way they were acting he should have been. Slowly, he backed away. Once he was out of site the dogs did a 360 and were once again kissy faced puppies. Quite a contrast. I praised them perhaps in part for the fact they did not bite the kid, or, even chase him away to the edge of the yard.

While it scared me to see the dogs acting like that, my nephew thought it was cool. Very cool. He said that the dogs must really want to protect us because they love us since they were acting like guard dogs. I told him it was because they were protecting themselves and their space. They didn't like being teased like that. Of course, they remembered who he was and didn't like him one bit, especially since they were not confined at the time.

"Yeah," he said. "When that kid comes over again, I'm gonna ask him how he'd like to be poked with a stick."

OK... but, don't worry. After all that... I don't think he'll be back.

"Yeah, unless he's dumb!"

April 18, 2001

more tales from the pack rat confessional:
I can't tell you how good it feels to be getting some stuff sorted out... and thrown out and taken out. Plenty has amassed to what is close to critical mass. Too much shit. Waaaaaay too much. Not to mention the all that dust. Ewwwwwww.

From the confines of the storage space behind the kneewalls upstairs, boxes and bags of stuff, along with unboxed items, were removed and analyzed for disposal or new order. First, I have to justify WHY I am keeping WHAT I am keeping... some of the goods uncovered haven't seen the light of day for at least 5 years.

That fact leads to the burning question: if you haven't wanted it in 5 years, then why in the hell are you keeping it? < well....huh? >

OR... go a step further. Be bold. Ask yourself not only why you need stuff you haven't touched in 5 years, but, what about all the stuff you haven't touched in even a single year. WHY DO YOU NEED IT? Did you miss it? WHY DO YOU KEEP IT? Do clothes from your school days carry significance?  Is there a valid reason WHY you must stockpile this and other stuff? Don't you think if it's THAT meaningful it should be displayed?? Now shouldn't it?!

Do you really NEED it? Do you really WANT it? Does it have a purpose?

Those were the questions I had to ask myself repeatedly. Of course, there were some things that I might NEVER get rid of < few and oh so far between >. But, the things I am keeping are; things like: precious old books my grandmother gave me, and, various correspondence I've collected over the years, along with some old journals and other things that were written long before I began writing here.

Hmmmmmm... one day I'm certain I'll have time to read some of these things < wellllllllllll... maybe I will >. Even if I don't, someone else will.

Oh, what a life:
In running across some old writing, it's rather amazing to look back and see where you were. A whole different frame a of mind at different times. A different person, but, one that you remember and carry vestiges of. Today you can look back at this part of you from the outside. Probably because you are. Probably because you have grown. You've separated yourself from whatever you were.... and, whatever you weren't. You are in a different place now. You're going in a different direction.

You've transformed into whatever you are today, and you're a mere shadow of who you will be tomorrow. That is, providing you ALLOW yourself to grow. Providing that you nurture your ideas and yourself and the living things around you. Providing you are in the right space < mostly the space in your head >. Providing you are willing to ACCEPT changes < as challenges >, and, that you are willing to break out of old patterns and "just because" thinking.

You can't live your entire life being guided by the past < whether by your mistakes or your accomplishments >, you have to look for and embrace the guideposts of the future. You have more power than you think. And, you have the power TO think. IF you are willing first you must be able.

If you can read this and comprehend... you've already passed the test. WooooooHoooooo!

Yes. The future is coming. AND, it will be drastically influenced by your attitude toward it and your willingness to accept change.

I spent a good deal of my life up to this point wanting to KNOW things. Wanting to KNOW what would happen. Wanting to know WHY things happened when they did. That has changed. I can't KNOW everything. I never will. Realizing I don't have to KNOW everything has freed me. You truly can let the fluctuations of not-knowing energize your spirit. Learn that unique circumstances can be achieved through allowance. The allowance that first begins in your mind can open up so many possibilities. Tap into what you have. Conveniently,  it's already there.

If your stuck in a rut or have been keeping some sort of blind protocol < for whatever the reason >, you might have to ask yourself...

------- now... back to where I was before --------

the pack rat preserves:
The written words kept are in the category of meaningful things I possess. These things can never be replaced.

In fact, in going through some of the writing in passing,  when you look back, you see the changes. Your writing has changed because YOU have changed. And, you realize that you aren't such a damn stone head anymore. WOW! You aren't partying like a complete heathen....

.... you are becoming refined in spite of a slightly contaminated past. The expired days haven't entirely defiled you. Amazing.

You've come a long way baby.

Now, when you do party you are much more civilized. OK then.... Slightly uncivilized and only on occasion. Rare. That's right.

...hey... come to think of it - if I decided  to cut loose and get some Crown while embarking on this reorganizing spree - damn! I'd probably be throwing more out. In fact, I know I would.

While that may not be a moderate solution, it might be prudent. As long as the stuff was removed from the residence so I would not be tempted to pull things back out of the pile... well... that could work.

Ummmmmm... I'll have to get a designated drag-me-around-and-drop-stuff-off driver.

April 19, 2001

Headed for the barn after 10 hours at the office. Like I've whined about previously, there are so many things in there it's overwhelming. I've decided to bite this one off a little at a time. Maybe tackle a little each night after work.

As for the remainder of this year, I won't be sitting down much. Oh, well. Whatever.

It's a fact that is only slightly irritating. Kinda like a rug burn.

April 20, 2001

I want to get back to a simpler life... or is it the allure of the IDEA of one? Whatever it is, the draw is there.

What REALLY happens when you go through your stuff:
...you will either utter or think the following sentences:

Hmmmmm... now think about it. It might be difficult for your loved ones to look fondly at the dead. Plus, you'd eliminate all potential for an embarrassing after-death experience.

So... get comfortable and allow yourself to imagine that you have the urge to wade through your belongings. If you get further than simply imagining it, then I am an all powerful goddess and you are my willing disciple. You will obey my anti-subliminal command... and join the cult of cleanliness and order...
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...by the way... feel free to blame me if you get something done.

April 21, 2001

the pack rat prepares to unload:
Clothes are ready for donation. Bags and bags and bags of them. Old stuff. Stuff from eons ago and, stuff from not so long ago. There will be even more once I go through the closet again, and, the other side of the storage behind the knee walls. I'm tired of keeping things that I "think I might use" or, "might need," when there is neither a use or need for things that have been in storage for what seems like ever. GoodGOD... if a bomb hit the place the debris would make it look like a clothing explosion. It's ridiculous.

I want to start anew. I want to have a new beginning in a new place. To do that, I have to do this. I am determined to live with less clutter. I want to simplify this life. This superfluous life is not for me and I've never felt comfortable living in the land of excess... BUT... it's not like I won't have a load of goods to transport across the country, I will. Yet... much of this excess is going to be donated and/or given away. That way it's literally:  waste not, want not, take not.

Still... I am keeping some questionable items for the time being. Like... several old hard suitcases and a few big coolers. Those things have taken up residence in the garage. I've decided to keep them for now in the event I find it convenient to transport something in them when I move. WHAT something I do not know. BUT, the justification for keeping them around is that the are rugged and they will withstand major abuse, plus... it's easy to pack a suitcase or a cooler full of stuff. If I don't use them, I'll be sitting them out at the curb. Somebody will pick them up < you could sit in the house with a timer >. In fact, one of the hardsided Samsonite suitcases was picked up by the side of the road by none other than moi years ago. So long ago that it may very well be the first thing I dragged out of someone's trash.

Surprise! I didn't even stop to wonder if I should I keep it as a memento...

a double edged sword and the crossroads
76 days until I see M and the kids again. 76 days that seem like forever and a day. Yet, I am certain that in retrospect, I will see this period of transition in my life as being a very powerful and positive experience.

Being so far away yet feeling so close to someone is hard to portray on this flat surface. It's an experience I never considered ever having and, here I am... right in the middle of it. Not knowing when the day will come when I will leave this place I've called home. Sometimes, that in itself can give me anxiety. Other times, it's like the most marvelous adventure knowing that one day we will be together.

...are we there yet?
Did ya hear about the new airplane technology that could allow you to fly from coast to coast in 30 minutes? Unreal... and 7 times faster than the speed of sound. Via NASA, and a hypersonic combustion "scramjet" engine... this technology may be eventually applied to commercial passenger flights and, it would lower the cost and substantially reduce travel time. The engine has no moving parts and a simple design. Imagine that. And, you might not be in the plane long enough to have to suffer through a meal. Air rage may be a thing of the past. Of course, some people will swear this technology has been reverse engineered from a captured UFO.

What else has been happening:
The feds drop the rate another half a point and my girlfriend refinances. ++ The stock market rides a roller coaster while California rides rolling power outages... and, power is expected to jolt everyone in the wallet. ++ 8 blazes have destroyed 30,000 acres in Sarasota and Charlotte counties in Florida. Arson is suspected in some of the wildfires. ++ The shuttle Endeavor docks with the space station. With it they brought robot arm to lend them a hand while working on the orbital command post. ++ Peru downs a U.S. missionary plane today and the details are sketchy. Hmmmm.... perhaps the mission was drugs. ++ A 5.3 earthquake rattles rural southeastern Idaho. ++ The "Summit of the Americas" in Quebec City Canada, has turned demonstrators into loose cannons over global trade... riot police in full gear shot them with rubber bullets and then, a water cannon. George Bush said today that he intended to listen to the voices "inside this hall and those outside this hall who want to join us in constructive dialogue" about expanded trade. Now how about listening to the voices inside your own head George?  There could be up to 30,000 demonstrators there. Like they will listen to you.

We are family...
The FBI arrested two sisters after a fight on a plane. The fight included a screaming match and the assault of a flight attendent and a pilot.

April 25, 2001

Today I went out to lunch with the boss and the secretary. We went to a Chinese buffet...

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