< < < < < anybody ever OD on that? > > > > >

April 15th, 2002

Yes.... I am still alive!

I've been feeling guilt over not writing much lately.... BUT.... I have been exceedingly busy and the weather has been great for getting some major work done around here.

I am happy to say that I am NEARLY done with the work in the barn!

An unfortunate side effect of the weather is that I'll have to cut the grass next weekend. I changed the oil in the mower and now all I have to do is charge the dead battery and check the blades.

Tonight... I will leave you with that. I am dead tired and HOPE that I'll be able to get some sleep. Last Monday night was the night from hell.... I couldn't get to sleep and ended up missing a day of work. BAH!!! Insomnia sucks.

April 16, 2002

Ummmmmmmm.........

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OHMYGOD!!!!!!!!!

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I am flippin' FREAKING OUT!!!!!

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M has a telephone interview for a job here with a local school coming up!

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WHEN? I don't know... she doesn't know... nobody knows... BUT... it's in the works and the school is going to let her know WHEN via e-mail....

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WOW

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Of all people.... I am at at total loss for words.

Can you believe it???

I had an idea about what I was going to write about tonight < everything I've been doing > but that went out the window upon hearing this news < I can't even be expected to remember now >. The fact is... I can't think at all right now. THIS is becoming very real!!!!!! If I was talkin' to ya I might even be stuttering!

OK. It'll be OK. It will. It really will.

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In the meantime.... I'm gonna be pacing.

I am so beside myself at the moment.

April 20, 2002

Nope. It hasn't happened yet. No e-mail, no call.... we don't know when the telephone interview will be. Maybe next week? Maybe the week after that? Who knows???

It's a bit on the nerve wracking side. OK... a LOT on the nerve wracking side. But, the fact that it IS going to happen is good!

M was home quite a bit the past week with a feverish kid... so, she managed to figure out what school the kids would go to, got some insurance questions answered, packed even more stuff, shredded some papers... and generally made good use of her time.

She is more efficient than I am. I'm pretty sure of that. And, much more structured in general. I'm a little more in the free flow category! That should make for an interesting mix between the two of us. Really though, I wish I could be more like her. Although... I don't know if I should cling to that hope though.... LOL

No doubt that M feels pressured by everything now.... she feels like this interview is her one hope for getting a job here in the coming year. I really feel like she will get employed there because she is MORE than qualified and, they had a similar position posted that was never filled for the current school year. Obviously they are not swamped with qualified applicants.

Don't tell her but I think she has it in the bag.

Today I am trying to get the lawn tractor started to mow the grass for the first time this season. The damn battery is dead and, wouldn't you know it, I gave away the trickle charger. Looks like I'll be getting another one in the future. In the meantime, the 6 volt tractor battery is hooked up to the 12 volt Jeep battery with battery cables. It's alright to do that as long as you don't start the Jeep. But, it was pretty dead so it'll take a while. I'm waiting as I write.

Poor Dave < Mom's husband > - he blew up the 12 volt battery charger he inherited from my Dad. How? He hooked it up to the lawn tractor battery and turned it on! He's lucky he didn't blow the damn thing up. Oh well... not everyone is mechanically inclined like my Dad was. Dave does not hide that fact that he isn't. Every season he ends up having problems with the lawn equipment. OK.... so I find it slightly amusing... ;^)

I finally got the tractor started after waiting several hours. The grass was mowed in near record time: just over an hour in 4th gear. Normally I take my time but, after waiting for hours to get started, I found myself feeling perturbed and mowed in a hurry. Translation: half assed - but... long enough for my entire body to feel the vibratory effects of riding the machine.

Yesterday afternoon, after the lawn was mowed.... as I spoke on the phone with M, I heard someone shouting my name in the screen door.

OK.... hmmmmm.... someone is at the door so I'd better go. I'll call ya back.

It was my neighbor's grandkid... a girl grown up that I really didn't instantly recognize. I mean, she looked vaguely familiar... her smile anyway. She wanted to know if I had a crowbar. Of course, I did... now lets go into the barn and find it.

"What do you need a crowbar for?"

Answer: I've got some carpet to take up.... whereupon she took the crowbar and left.

So I'm standing there smirking: a crowbar to take carpet up? LOL... it sure seemed like overkill to me, but hey... whatever works. Then.... it dawned on me who this girl was. Who I thought she was... hmmmmm.

She returned with the crowbar, happy that she removed the carpet. I asked, "...weren't you the one I greeted a few years ago over at Pat's with a baseball bat?"

Yes! That was me! she said laughing.

Pat had gone out of town and I was keeping an eye on the house when I noticed one night that there was a strange car there and the door near the driveway was wide open. I went over there with a baseball bat and discovered her there talking on the phone. My neighbor was quite amused with the story upon returning home.

Anyway.... this woman standing before me who borrowed the crowbar is now half of the woman she used to be! I didn't recognize her at first because she has lost over 125 pounds since I saw her last. OHMYGOD! What a drastic change. Unbelievable.

She started telling me that she used to remember playing with some kids that lived here when she was little. She can't believe what I've done to the house and wanted to see inside, so... I showed her around. She was totally freaking out over the transformation.

"I used to think that this house was evil."

Huh??? Really!!! I couldn't help but to laugh about that. EVIL? Hmmm... I've never felt that here.

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Of course had she said, "filthy" I could have agreed. The place was a hell hole as far as the lack of cleanliness.

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Maybe cleaning it was equal to an exorcism.

April 24, 2002

For all who have inquired: No word yet about M's upcoming interview.

We thought it may be scheduled Friday since she has the day off... but NOOOOOOO.

They don't have it together yet... she got another e-mail informing her of that.

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>>>>> I hate feeling impatient <<<<<<

April 25, 2002

I started off typing: "June 25, 2002."

Clearly.... I am not thinking right.

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SO....... whatsamattame?

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OK... it's like this:

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M called me before she went to work this morning and told me she was moving despite knowing if she has the job or not!!!!!!!

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It's gonna happen! It's gonna happen!

YAY!!

I am jumping for joy and my mind is once again RACING with a zillion thoughts.

I booked an airline ticket to go out on July 3rd. I had actually wanted to leave June 19 - but, the fares were 100 to 300 dollars more! My only worry at this minute is that M won't be too disappointed by the slight delay. It's only a couple of weeks difference but... well... you know. Even though I wanted it when I wanted it, after looking at the fares, the practical side of me took over. I jumped on the first reasonable fare I found.

This way I can help M with last minute things around the house - including the before we depart Garage Sale. And, I'll take 2 weeks off so that I have a week home once we get here. Plus, she can spend the 4th of July fireworks with a long-time friend. They've had an annual outing together on the 4th for many years now.

It would be easier for me to NOT be there until the very day we left, or... the day before. Her leaving is going to be a very emotional thing. Something I'd rather not witness really... mostly because I feel guilty about it. Why? Because it's one of those... "it's your damn fault" things in the back of my mind. And YES.... I realize that this was M's decision to leave but... if she hadn't met me 2000 miles away, she wouldn't be going anywhere.

Damn it! It's every woman's right to have her guilt. I'll try not to wallow in it, but... I can't help feeling weird about it.

M and the kids are coming to a place where she knows no one. That realization smacked me upside the head today. OK... so she knows my family... but, only because they met briefly. That doesn't actually count for "knowing" aside from knowing faces. Although she does now them in a vicarious sense via me. Not to worry there though... they are great people. I'm not worried about my bio family... but...

...suddenly, I will have a new family of my own. With astonishing speed I am finding myself in a mental panic. I am overjoyed and I am freaking out. Nearly incoherent.

I'll have to show her how to get around town. OHMYGOD! There's so much to do!!! I need to get the cupboards cleaned out and rearranged. Clean up the old truck and sell it. Buy some clear plastic storage boxes. We'll have to get M a new driver's license and license plates for the van. Get the kids enrolled in school. OHMYGOD! We are going to drive 2,000 miles to get here! I need to trim trees and brush in the yard. Sharpen the mower blades. Get the drywall installed, mudded and painted. Buy more wood for trim work. Work full time without being able to think about work. Wash the walls and the wood ceilings. I sure hope that they survive the transition in living here. I hope they will be comfortable here with me in their new home. What can I do to make this transition easier for all of them? Is there anything special I could do? What about me? How am I gonna feel about this? Is the driving part going to be an adventure or... an adventure in stress? Why am I stressing now? What the hell is wrong with me? Here I am getting EXACTLY what I have wanted and I am pre-stressing! LOL

Now.... I am recalling conversations I had with M early on. Bits and pieces are coming back to me. How she told me on the phone not long after we had been talking that she would NEVER move from the house she lived in. Not even across town! I recall exactly where I was standing in the house when she said those words. I even recall feeling a little letdown when I heard it.

Then, when I went out to meet her the first time - I met her best friend, alone for lunch one day.... of course, I was fully aware that she was "checking me out to see if I was worthy".... LOL. But I remember her telling me over lunch that "M doesn't like to travel far..." and basically asked me how I felt about that. I can't remember what my reply was, I only recall smiling a lot... I can't be expected to remember anything at the moment. Can I? Huh?

Currently... I am slightly happier than I am scared.

Could that be my saving grace?

Gotta run.... there's tons to be done.

I can't stop smiling!

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