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December 1, 2000

The beginning of another month. The 12th month. Leading up to the closure of the essentially feared-for-nothing Y2K. Now what in the hell ever happened to all those Y2K troubleshooters and otherwise alleged experts? Does anyone even care? Oh... maybe if they were your financial analyst you'd care. Or, if they were manning a telephone at a psychic hotline. Maybe then you'd care.

Maybe not. Maybe you're too involved in getting ready for Christmas.

We seem to be rather apathetic lately. Nobody is throwing a fit about the presidential election. About votes not being counted. Have we become a nation lacking passion? I mean, if this would have happened in the 1960's, just think about how people would be acting. There would be protests and signs and gatherings all over the place. People would have wanted their voice to be heard. They would have been shouting from the rooftops. Screaming in the streets. Bombarding the landscape. Making and touting signs. Running in packs. Just think of what today's media could have done with that. They could have drilled us with motion pictures of protest for decades to come. And, think of what Time-Life books could have been made from this footage alone. The entire series for 39.95. Plus postage and handling, of course.

So, what's happening with us? Have we changed that much? Do we not feel like people in the 60's felt - like THEY could make a difference... that THEY and their thoughts mattered? Do we feel more at an individual level now than we do a collective level? Is that why people today may feel things, but, do nothing because we feel like it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference? Are we apathetic as a whole to society itself? Are we beginning to care about nothing but our own backyards? Do we actually have a global cause?

Could it be that I think too much?Could it be that I'm having a good day?

In the news: update
Meanwhile, the presidency is locked in litigation at the Supreme Court level. Holiday shopping is down and The Grinch packs theaters. The economy slows and the stock market zig zags. Speaking of zig-zags, medical marijuana is back in the news. NASA gets ready to announce a major discovery on mars by announcing evidence of water flows. The space shuttle Endeavour heads toward the International Space station. United Airlines cancels over 100 flights and blames mechanics. A new drug is unveiled for jet lag.

Is that enough?          I think so...

Today
I am indeed having a good day. A damn good day! It's about time I suppose. Those days were fleeting over the last month. I won't remember November 2000 for anything but what it was: and that is - a big damn mess.

Yep.November 2000 sucked. After having reached a personal crisis of epidemic proportions, I hit the skids and sunk into a vacillating depressive state. It didn't come out of the blue. It came out of the cumulative effect of the last 3 ½ years of my life. Too much happened. I began to feel as if I were folding. Imploding if you will. It was weird. A stranger inhabited my skin. It scared the shit out of me. And, to think that I actually sought intervention without kicking and screaming.... wellllllll.... that ought to tell the story in itself. I knew I was in trouble.

Yes. I went to the doctor today. Didn't even have a "family" doctor. Earlier in the week, I had to get a referral from the local hospital for a doctor. A referral service that seemed much more interested in what kind of insurance I had than anything else. OK. So, after going through that, I called and made an appointment. An appointment I had today.

I drove the old dog truck to the medical facility from the office this morning. Found the place and parked. When I walked in the double doors and up to the building, I approached a double glass window where I had to sign-in. After filling out some paperwork - with a pen that had pharmaceutical advertising on it - I handed it back through the sliding glass window to the bitchy looking woman on the other side. Have a seat, she said dryly. Fucking wench, I thought. So, I sat in a chair that matched all the others in the lobby. Stared at magazine covers on the table in front of me without picking one up. Today, that entire visual was an eyesore. Instead I found myself listening to the two old ladies in the next aisle. The ones that were talking like they were across the room from each other. One said she had cancer 3 different times and they think she has it again. The other one said she had an ulcer that has bothered her for an entire year. Oh, and I've had gout. Me, too. And, cataracts. Yep. I've got ARTHUR-ITIS real bad. Have for years. Do you like the doctor? Why, yes. I've been seeing her for many years now. Dontcha think that women doctors are more thorough and care about us more? Welllllll... my old doctor was pretty good. But, he died. Ohhhh.

GOODGOD! . . . . . . . . . . .
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I can hardly wait to get really, really old.

December 2, 2000

...tis the season
The Christmas lights are now on the arbor and the weeping cherry tree. Gail came out and braved the ladder. We strung Christmas lights across the top of the arbor, and, on the weeping cherry tree with Cass' help. Looks like Scrooge is getting festive. Hmmmmmm. Now, that'll make my Mother very happy. She's quite proud of her seasonal displays. On the other hand, while I can appreciate things like that - I don't have a bunch of Christmas stuff, nor do I have intentions of getting a bunch of it... a tragedy in Mom's eyes... since I was born on Christmas.

...what's the reason?
This site has been loading slower than a damn dog lately. I hate slow service. If this was a restaurant, I might consider walking out. They < meaning NBCi > must be doing something to the system. Tweaking the servers or changing connections and routers. If they were polite, they'd let me know. If I was polite, I wouldn't be talking about them.

bad puppies/good puppies
Yes. They are. One and the same. Take your pick at any given moment. Good behavior now because I have a fire going for them. They are lounging on the warm tiled mantel where the woodstove rests. Warm fuzz stretched out flat. They smell like fat gerbils from the fresh cedar chips in their doghouse. Last night they managed to get the party streamers out again. They even decorated the outside kennel, and, pulled the sleeping bag outside, too. Inside, they also knocked a large box of nails over and got into the garbage and chewed up a bunch of paper. Trashing the place is their fun. They are full of misplaced energy. If only I could harness it and put it to good use. Oh, well. I keep telling myself, "it's a stage - it's a stage - it's a stage..."

One thing we noticed about Booda is that he smiles. Literally. He's happy to see you, and, he's more than happy to be picked up. Won't be able to do that for long. But, I hope he continues to smile like he does. It's hilarious!
 

December 3, 2000

I actually slept 8 hours last night. I can hardly believe it, but, I did. The last time I slept that long, I was sick. Plus - I had dreams, too. Since my cousin's suicide, I haven't remembered a single dream - even though I did wake myself up yelling a couple of times, I couldn't remember any dreams. Very unusual for me. But, in light of the situation, I'm glad I didn't.

Prior to Gail leaving yesterday afternoon, my Sista called. She sounded quite distressed. Seems her boyfriend is moving out. Again. This isn't the first time I've heard this one. Probably won't be the last.

Sista's boyfriend was an hour and a half late in coming home from I don't know where. When he got home, she told him it was inconsiderate of him not to call her. He blew a gasket and started gathering his stuff. He didn't want to talk about it.

In my estimation, that WAS an inconsiderate act. I would have been upset about that myself.  I can understand my Sis especially since we've just experienced another death in our family. That has made us all a bit more nervous about things. It makes it easier to jump to conclusions, or, to think that someone else will die. And, as a considerate person - I wouldn't think of NOT calling to let anyone know that I would be an hour and a half late. I mean, it's not like 15 minutes.

The past tells me that things probably are not over between them. Deja vu. Still... from things my Sista has said about him, my thoughts about him have been tainted by her words. It's a fact, I do think she could do much better. According to my Sis: he refuses to talk about whatever makes him uncomfortable. What he says goes. He's never suggested or acquired a sitter for the kids and taken my Sista out. And, that's only part of it. Now what do I think about that? I think SCREW THAT ‘cuz he ain't all that. To me, this whole scenario seems destined to end at some point. Maybe not now... but, eventually. When she sees that, then it'll be over. Not before. No sense in me harping her about anything. I would like to see her happy, but, I can't make it happen.

GOODGOD... it reminds me of the relationSHIT I had with L. Too much high drama. BUT, why not? She IS my Sista.

December 4, 2000

the beat goes on
Sista and the boyfriend are on again. I figured as much since I didn't hear from her after an early morning call yesterday. According to her, all the stuff he took home < he has his own house >, she told him not to bring any of it back. Hmmmmmm.... all is fair in love and war.

I talked to my Sista twice today before 10 a.m. She sounded stressed to the max. Much like I've felt over the past month plus. I told her she should think about getting counseling or seeing a doctor. She informed me that the kids had health insurance but she didn't. That sucks.

Depression sucks
Last Friday when I went to the doctor, I explained to her what was going on with me and we talked for a half hour. She prescribed Wellbutrin.  She  informed me I should take it for a year, scheduled me for some blood work and set up another appointment in 6 weeks. I started taking the Wellbutrin on Friday and, for whatever the reason, I've slept well since I started taking it. I still can't believe I got 8 hours of sleep on Saturday! I am astonished. Especially since one of the potential side effect of this medication is insomnia. So far, I've had none of the listed side effects.

Obviously, I have been suffering from depression. The doctor told me I had many of the signs. And, the more that I think about it, I believe I've been dealing with this for much longer than I initially realized. This past 6 weeks just brought it all to a peak.

It was a HUGE step for me to seek help. I've always thought I could handle anything, and, that I could snap out of anything as well. I am a strong person and I've always valued that as a positive attribute. Like many people, I saw reaching out for help as a personal weakness - when the reality is: what I  am doing for myself will strengthen me. I couldn't expect to have a quality existence with things going the way they have been. I feel better already knowing I did something beneficial for myself. This depression wasn't something I could will away. It wasn't something I could control or snap out of.

Sometimes, we all need help. Reaching out may not be the easiest thing to do, but, it may be the best thing.

winter
I'm certain I've whined about it before: but, it does seem like I have less tolerance for winter as time goes by. I don't like extreme cold and I don't like dangerous driving on snowy and icy roads. So... what can I do about that except whine? I mean, my job is here, my house is here, some of my family is here... it's not like I can up and leave everything in pursuit of warmer weather. Not at this point anyway. Even though, I really wish I could. I would absolutely love to be outta here for 5 months of the year. If I could figure out how to do it... I would. Hmmmmm... ...I'll have to work on that.  Retirement is a long way off.

In the meantime, I am going on vacation in February. In fact, I'm leaving on the 4th anniversary of my Father's suicide. I didn't even realize that until last night when Cass pointed it out to me. Weird. But, I think that's a good sign. A very good sign.I'm moving on. .
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It's hard to fathom the fact that I will be escaping this cold mess and going to the desert, but, I am.

I have a special friend < ...hi Michelle! > that lives in Arizona... and, I have a couple of old friends that have relocated and are living nearby. yeeeeeeeeeeha!
it's important to have things to look forward to...

Holidays got you stressed out? Can't make a simple yes/no decision?
Help is but a click away.

On the road shopping and ya gotta go?

Got the holiday blues?

Pining for Christmas past?

Do you think Christmas bites?

Do you think you know everything there is to know about Christmas?

Get rated: test your Christmas spirit. Take the quiz.

Wanna track Santa by radar?

December 8, 2000

Yesterday
Some notable things happened on this date in history:
20 years ago today, John Lennon was murdered. In 1969 President Nixon declared the Vietnam War was ending. In 1941, America entered World War II. Famous births on this day: In 1765 - Eli Whitney was born. In 1925 - Sammy Davis Jr. was born. In 1943 - Jim Morrison, lead singer of The Doors was born. In 1953 - actress Kim Basinger, was born.

Today
Another day of  history in the making. The political/legal game we're observing called "who in the hell is the next president?" Wow.  I think that even the media was stunned.... because today the surprise was that Florida's Supreme Court ordered a manual recount of undervotes, while the Circuit Courts refused to reject absentee ballots. Suddenly, there is new life in what looked like Gore's wobbling campaign. Meanwhile, Republicans are livid. I expect to see some of them red faced and foaming at the mouth.

The Vice-Prez is now within a slim margin of votes with 154 votes separating him and Bush.    Prior to the decision by the court, Bush said he was prepared to appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court. Bush sweats.  Gore smirks.  Nah nah nah na na nahhhhhhhh.

Now come on. If Bush was THAT certain he won, then let the votes be counted. Let it be known what the people chose. Fair and square. Welllllll..... OK then....... about as fair and square as you can get in this botched Florida fiasco. At first... it looked like the fix was in for Bush. I guess not.

Yes... I'm a Democrat. Couldn't you tell?

Today
...personally speaking... I'm happy to report that today it is a good day. Add that to the fact it's Friday and you have a winning combination. Although I didn't get much sleep last night < girls night out >, I feel great. Hmmmmmmmm... I seem to have evened out some as far as the vacillating emotions and scattered thoughts. Whether it's directly correlated to the Wellbutrin, or, if it's the placebo effect - I don't give a damn. As long as I am feeling OK. That's what matters. And, I am feeling very OK. Very.

In fact, the day before yesterday, I was standing in the dark in the driveway out in the cold on a very quiet morning, waiting for the old dog to do his dog thing < you know... circling for the right spot >. I looked around and realized at that moment that I felt particularly wonderful. The kind of wonderful that wells up deep inside yourself. I smiled in spite of the freezing weather and absence of a coat. It was a glorious moment that words somehow can't give justice to. It's something that almost requires the experience to comprehend it. It's something to be felt. It's nearly electrifying. But, imagine being engulfed in bliss from the inside out. Envision freeing your spirit. It's like being touched by the hand of divinity. It's a feeling like nothing else < insert a jump for joy right here >.

Sooooooo.... it looks like I'm back from standing at the crossroads. Transformed by time and circumstance. That's one thing about time... eventually it changes us all. It's often so gradual we don't even notice. Time tells many a tale... more so once we are removed from it. Such is the process of living.

Tonight
The plan was to go home and write in my journal and upload. If you can read this, then it appears that I've followed through. After that it's hanging with the puppies and stoking the woodstove. I'll be sleeping in the Outback loft tonight. I've been wanting to do that for awhile now. It's time.

Tomorrow
No plans are the sometimes the best plans! I don't have specific plans for the weekend. I have some ideas.... the gears in my head seem to be cranking toward some creative pursuits. Right now I'm actually working on an art project solely because I wanted to. It wasn't commissioned or requested so there is no pressure to push it through. I'm doing this one strictly for the pleasure of doing it. It's been a very, very long time since I've wanted to do that. Since I am doing it because I want to... I may not feel like working on it tomorrow. I have plenty of lattitude in that and... I like that. If I don't feel like it... there are thousands of other things to do around here. Who knows. Guess I'll find out when tomorrow gets here.

Yep.Tomorrow is as ambiguous as the future.

December 11, 2000

words for the day:
Outside. Cold. Snow. Wind. Shoveling.

If this snow was the packing type, it would have been fun to make something today.  But, it was the shoveling type. I really don't mind shoveling snow. Today, that's a good thing. Fortunately, I bought a new snow shovel last year that doesn't break my back. The other one I've got has a handle that is far too short for its own good, and, it kills your lower back to use it. The new one has a long handle and a blade like a plow.

the pups
After convincing them to leave the warmth of the Outback, the puppies played while I shoveled. They had a blast chasing each other in the snow and wrestling in drifts. They were running like little deer through the snow, springing off their back feet and diving ahead with extended paws. They took turns snarling and playfully lynching each other. The next time I tried getting them outside, they decided to stay spread out sideways on the mantel near the heat. They weren't going out for anything. They pretended not to hear me, instead, they equipped themselves with that far away look as if they were both daydreaming.

serious slacking
Because the holidays are hectic, I figured my writing would drop off some this month. LOOK! I figured right. It did. And... I've been slow in answering my e-mail, too.

Today... it is surprising I've written at all. But... I took some time out in between shoveling snow and feeding the woodstove in the Outback. Hmmmmm. Even I would like to be my dog. I'd much rather be laying near the heat than shoveling in what feels like 6 layers of clothes.

Cass is working a double shift today. Not the best day to do it in light of the weather in the Midwest. She won't get out until 10 tonight. The drive that normally takes 30 - 40 minutes, could take 2 hours. AND - I forgot to give her my cel phone this morning. Damn it!

Oh, well.  I'm probably worrying needlessly. She'll probably do fine. Yeah. She probably will. She probably will even though she just told me a few weeks ago how she has night vision problems. Yep. Night vision problems that include the mesmerizing effect of snow coming at the windshield at night. Great, huh?! Well.... I'll try not to worry about that, too. Knowing she is hypnotized and can't see isn't anything to worry about, is it? Nahhhh. She'll be fine. She will. After all... she's driving on secondary rural roads that may be erratically plowed, if they are plowed at all. Even though I know that she has been up since 5 a.m and is tired. Even though she went off the road twice last winter... yes... I have all that for comfort, too.

OK.I'm done. I'm trying not to freak out about this... soooooo... I poured myself a glass of wine. A dry burgundy < wondering if that goes with worrying? >. A little nasty tasting to me today. Ewwwww. Will drinking it stop me from worrying?

No.But, if I have some more... it might not seem so nasty, and, I could end up worrying and shoveling with an inappropriate smile on my face.

A strange mix... but, possible.

December 13, 2000

Normally, I wouldn't advertise for a company on the net.... BUT - I have found one worth mentioning. Me being the world's biggest skeptic.... I had doubts about this because it sounded too good to be true! The fact is.... it IS too good and it IS true!!!

Want to snag some free long distance?Want to slash your long distance calls in half or more? This isn't Internet telephony.... this is phone-to-phone high quality long distance. At 5 cents a minute for calls state-to-state in the USA it's a great deal as it is... and - there are NO extra numbers to dial and no hidden connection fees < there is a modest fee of 32 bucks a year to use the service >!!!

BUT... the best thing about this is that every 24 hours you can "ZAP" a call< up to 7.00 > from your bill and eliminate the charge completely!

< I'm not kidding! >

Check it out and change your long distance carrier tobigredwire

It works!< ...end of my advertisement > No.... wait! I have one more thing to say about this. And, that is, I used to despise all things connected with the phone company - HA! Not anymore.

< OK... I'll stop now... LOL...I really can't believe how enthusiastic I have become regarding telephone services... ;^) >
 

Onward. Straight from the news vault known as my head. Hmmmmmmmm.... let's see.... what's been going on....

Oh, yeah. Snow. Snow and cold. Brrrrrrrrr.

The mad handyma'am spent the last few days shoveling out. As you might know, the Midwest was hit by a major storm. It was the most snow I'd seen in quite some time. Definitely the most in the last 12-13 years. The most I've shoveled at this house ever.

The storm was so bad that Cass ended up getting stuck in the middle of the road not long after she left work. She was subsequently lucky enough to get the car pulled out by a passing truck. Obviously, she couldn't make it back here, so, she ended up staying overnight at her supervisor's house. I felt better knowing she stayed there. My fretting was over before midnight.

For several years now, winters have been relatively mild, so, I haven't invested in a snowblower or weights/chains and a plow for the tractor. I had my trusty shovel and why spend the money, eh? So, after years of snow squalls we get hit and I bust my ass manually shoveling a large driveway. I'm sure my neighbors thought I was crazy taking a job like that on, but, it was exactly what I needed. It felt good to be in the cold wearing several layers of clothes and it felt good to be exerting myself physically. Great therapy for my mind and body... my old friend - manual labor. Surprisingly, after 2 days of extensive shoveling, I'm not aching at all. Odd because, I expected to be < no God... this isn't a complaint >.

It's always something...
Earlier this week, my 13 year old niece had a seizure. She's going to see a neurologist this week. I hope everything will be OK with her. She has no history of seizures. Until she sees a professional, it's a mystery. And, my 6 year old nephew < sista's kid > was in the emergency room late at night this week and was diagnosed with asthma. His father had it, too.

December 14, 2000

Politics:
The U.S. Supreme Court overruled Florida's Supreme Court, essentially making Bush the prez. Gore gave a gracious concession speech last night. He appeared more relaxed than I've seen him before, but, I swear he had a slight smirk on his face the entire time he spoke. I was amused... although... it would have been much more amusing to me if he would have given his speech from here.

We'll never know who actually "won" this election since I doubt the votes will be counted.... but,I do think Bush will be a one term president. Whether Al Gore will run and get the democratic nomination 4 years from now remains to be seen. Maybe it'll be someone else. It could be since neither one of these candidates sparked a fire. I do wish the votes would be counted anyway... just so we could know what the outcome SHOULD have been. If it would have been Bush... then fine. If it would have been Gore, then we'd know the fix WAS in.

Bush is it. Prez Bush it is. Although it wasn't what I wanted, it's what we got, so, to hell with it. I don't think he can do much damage in 4 years. At least... I hope not.

December 15, 2000
News from my world:the complaint department
OK. So, here I go whining again... but, I hate driving to the office in the winter. I find it particularly detestable because it’s dark. I swear, every asshole in the county is on the road in the morning. Having snow and icy roads to contend  with adds to the hazard along with amplifying any attitude I might have. YES. Under these conditions, I usually do have an attitude. AND... sometimes I am swearing at you people from the discomfort of my vehicle. You wanna ride my ass down the road? Fine. If I’m feeling unusually cranky, there’s a 90% chance I’ll be cursing you while I drive. The profanities I utter don’t change you a bit... and, they only make me feel a little better. “You wanna crawl up my ass mother f*****? Welllllllll fine then you dumb bastard.....”< and I slow down to annoy you > If you don’t pass me... I’ll go on with the tirade. “Whatsamatta asshole? Pass me you prick! Riding my ass won’t push me to go any faster!” If you’re smart you’ll pass me and hope I’m not seething. If I am, I might speed up and ride your bumper.

So... a version of this happened to me today. This morning. Some jerk in a truck talking on a cel phone and drinking coffee while barreling down the road finally passes me after driving a few feet away from my bumper for a half mile. I didn’t spend much time swearing inside the vehicle this morning. I said under my breath, “pass me you imbecile!” and when the truck got along side of me I looked in its direction and said rather flatly... “you asshole” as it sped by.

Minutes after this incident, I’m continuing the drive in the darkness when I approach the bridge and see that the oncoming car has lost control and was spinning in the road. Spinning toward me. I had about a second to decide what to do. Should I drive towards the ditch on my right, or, should I cross the centerline?

I crossed the centerline and pulled over on the opposite side of the road. Fortunately, nobody was behind that car,or, behind me. The first thought I had was that the out of control car would flip off the road. When I turned around and saw that the car had slowed and regained control, I proceed down the highway with my heart pounding in my throat. I am happy to be alive and happy for whoever was driving the out of control car. Hell... I’m even happy for the asshole that passed me. If he wouldn’t have, there could have been a terrible accident. There have been several fatalities on this stretch of highway since I’ve lived out here. It’s the most dangerous type of road to be on: a high speed, two-lane highway with minimal lighting and no divider, crossed by rural roads. Unfortunately, there is no other practical way for me to get to work.

What in the hell caused this to happen? The wintery phenomenon known as black ice.

December 16, 2000

Yo. And here I am. Running in the house trying to get warm only to go outside again. What am I doing? Wellll... I am doing something I haven't done in a very, very long time.

Not a regular snowman of course, but, a rather unconventional snowman. Would you expect any less from the mad handyma'am? I have this ingrained tendency to complicate whatever I do. I'm not certain it is possible for me to build a regular, traditional snowman. I can't tell you why except to say that I have a proclivity towards detail and elaboration when it comes to projects. Even unnecessary projects such as this. WHY? I don't know.

But, I'm not sure that building this snowman is an unnecessary act. While it may be uncalled for, it seems to be serving my need to fulfill some childish whimsy of the day. Plus, it's nice to be impulsive at times. Especially necessary is this snowman to celebrate the peace I've been feeling. I am celebrating this unrehearsed, but, cheerful event by building it with a smirk on my face. I'll take that over agitation and angst anyday.

same day. . . . only later. . . .

The pups, Booda and Tasha, were instantly suspicious of the snowman standing out in the yard. They crept up on it like it would soon be chasing them. They weren't outside long when I noticed they had pushed the door to the Outback open.

Lo and behold, there they were on the mantle in front of the old woodstove. . .

. . . what a life. What a charmed life they lead.

December 18, 2000

Got a card from the ol' ex today < L >. This is the second time she's sent me a card recently. The first one was after she found out about my cousin's suicide. In that one, she gave me her phone number and said, "call me sometime."

Of course, after a tragic event, it's nice when people reach out to you. But... even then, I felt strange reading anything from her - despite the circumstances. I was shaking a little inside. I can't say why. Although, I can say that it surprised me, I can also say I didn't like the fact I felt anything.

So... I get back from Sista's place today and, lo and behold... here's another card from L. The last time I talked to her was February 17th, 1999.

I wrote about the last time I talked to her in an entry earlier this year, July 1st.

Key sentence:I'm severing this unsafe emotional tie, sorry. I can't put up with this any longer - I don't have to.

That is how I left things. That was it. That's what I told her the last time I talked to her. And... that's basically how I feel. Even now.

Am I bitter? No. Hateful? No. I don't think so. It may seem that I am being cold-hearted when it comes to someone that I loved for over 7 years... but, what it comes down to is that I have to protect MYSELF. It's not safe for me to be around her. That would be dangerous for me. I'm not ready to see her, talk to her or write to her. I have no desire for communication with L. I will know when and if I ever am. I did love her. We did have our good times. Now it's over. I want to move on and I am. I have been. I don't want to be around her because I wouldn't want a single cell in my body to react to her. I'm not ready or willing to take the chance. Yet... I wish her happiness in her life and, I hope she is safe...  but... I want to feel this way from a distance. Here's a "good luck to ya" wave from the window of a bus leaving town.

I had an intense relationship with L. Intense highs and intense lows. High drama. Very high drama. To her, the world was black and white. She was on/off - in/out - down/up... etc....etc. Very little in-between. There was no stability in the relationship. I always felt like I was on shaky ground. There was no constancy in anything. There was no balance. I couldn't count on her. If she was there fine... if she wasn't she wasn't. If she felt like doing something fine... if she didn't then she didn't.  I never knew if she was coming or going at times.

I don't miss the shit. I don't want that. I'm done. Spent some reserves on that. That's one thing I can say about Cass... and that is, she is a genuinely kind person who isn't all over the damn map emotionally or personally. For the most part, she's easy to be around and easy to get along with. She's real. She's communicative. She's been much easier to live with. Bonus: she doesn't have the telephone shoved up her ass.

After things between L and I ended.... I decided that I liked nice people. Stable people. People with their own thoughts and ideas. People with convictions and goals. Responsible people. I  have had enough with haphazard bullshit.

So.... excuse the digression. I think I feel my blood pressure rising thinking about this. Isn't that odd how some people can have that effect on you? Even when you aren't around them. Obviously, I know myself well. I am not ready to be around her because, if I was, I wouldn't have this kind of reaction.

Anyway..... back to this card she sent. This is what she wrote in it:

"< insert my name here >, Just wondering how you've been. Haven't talked in a long time now & wish we could. I feel uncomfortable calling you because of what we had discussed. I just want you to know that I wish we could be friends. That will be totally up to you < insert my name here >. Come on < insert my name here >, open up! I'm positive you'd have a good time if you'd visit. We'll take you out. Hope to hear from you someday! < insert her phone number here >.

< oh, yeah.... lets not forget to mention > the dog sends me hugs XXX and kisses OOO."

I'm not BUT if I would reply to this, this is what I'd say:

I'm fine. I don't want to talk. I would also be uncomfortable. Discussion? I don't recall a discussion. You mean, accusations? Or, my declaration? Hmmmm. You are not my friend. We weren't true friends. Opening up to you was the first mistake I made. Your idea of a good time is different than mine. Thanks but, no thanks... and, don't wait by the phone.

Please do pet the dog for me and give her an extra biscuit!

peek into my brain.... here's some STUFF I THOUGHT ABOUT TODAY

first day of winter < coulda fooled me.... >
Wah wah wah...  ain't it awful?
In the Midwest all we've been talking about lately is the cold and the snow. Blah. Blah. Blah. It's so cold. It's so damn cold. Can you believe the snow? I can't believe how much snow we have! I'll be glad when summer comes. And.... blah, blah, blah. So what. We have snow.Yup. We have snow and we like to whine about it. You've already heard me whining about it. Well... maybe you didn't actually HEAR me........ but......... you read it....... didn't anyone ever tell you that was the same thing? If you catch the drift, what else matters? It's comprehension in suggestion. Wow. You are using your imagination.
 

As you know.... imagination is a terrible thing to waste
 

Warning! Warning!
Diversion ahead >>>>>>>>> philosophical meanderings on imagination

Imagination is way cool. Waaaaaaay cool to < at least > the tenth power. It is the impetus of inventors and great thinkers and tinkerers since the beginning of time. It is the core of creative energy.

You gather information. You absorb it. Spit it out. Assemble it. Rip it apart. Reinvent it. Ignore it. Question it.

It's really up to you. The whole approach thing is best suited with whatever works for you. Whatever sparks it for you.

So..... what sparks mine? Hmmmmmmm..... easy enough. Looking at things differently. Ordinary things. Things I see everyday. And..... dreaming. Thinking of things I want to see. If I can see them in my mind's eye... I can see them through. The passion to do that requires imagination < not to mention courage >.  It requires that you can see possibilities in things. It's a positive flow.... and.....

.....speaking of flow... lets get back to what I was wandering < I mean talking > about.... < no... I didn't mean wondering >....

...welllll... OK then.

In imagination.... you find flow. It is the feng-shui that I like to call funk-shun... < yes... I am hooked on phonics > because THAT is the essence of it. It has FLOW. It fits. Flow creates energy because flow IS energy. Flow is power. If you find power in flow... you must find it in imagination.

Become powerful. Use your imagination.

never mind....
something else... trivial pursuit and sleeplessness
The end of the day today is the start of my Christmas vacation. I'll be off until next year. Big damn deal, huh? Well..... sort of. I don't have to live by the clock for over a week.
YEAH! Unfortunately, that is also something that screws up my already screwed up sleeping pattern. Whenever I have extended time off, I seem to find myself staying up half the night - sometimes all night. While I don't mind it when I'm in the midst of it... getting back to the work groove is always a problem.

Meanwhile....
Today, I renewed my license plate tabs on the net. Seems I'm living through the net sometimes! Damn strange for someone who often gives thought to dropping out of the rat race < yeah sure huh! >. Clearly, I'm caught in the web. So much for a simpler life.

Fuck that notion.

thought for the day:The double-edged sword of imagination can cause great trouble.

December 22, 2000

Puppy update
The pups went to the vet today. Cass and I practically had to drag them into the car... it appears that they now assume a car ride equals going to the vet. I want them to be comfortable riding in a vehicle, so, it looks like I'll have to take them on regular outings that don't include the veterinarian. I'd rather they weren't afraid to ride. This is one of those things that I knew would happen. Why I feel the least bit surprised is beyond me.

At slightly over 3 months of age < they were born September 15th, 2000 > ...Tasha now weighs in at 24 pounds and Booda weighs in at 30. They each gained 10 pounds in 26 days!

They were sort of freaking out at the Vet office. It was the first time they were on leashes and Tasha didn't like it one bit. She spent a good deal of her time trying to back out of her collar and hiding < like under the bench in the lobby >. Booda wasn't as bad, but, you could tell that he was nervous. They did, however, relax long enough to accost a woman standing at the counter as they were being weighed in. She even leaned down enough to be within face licking reach. She didn't mind it a bit and said, "my... my... they are so cute... what kind of puppies are they?" They are Pit Bulls. A split-second look of surprise crossed her face as she said, "Ohhhhhh... but... but.... they are so - so friendly..."

And... friendly they are... along with being full of puppy energy. The breed has been given a bad rap. I don't believe they are inherently mean dogs... the people who breed and raise them for the purpose of fighting are the sick puppies. "Petey," the dog from Our Gang/the Little Rascals was a Pit Bull. Helen Keller owned a Pit Bull as a companion/helper. Pit Bulls can even be trained to fight crime.

I haven't had them long, but, I love my dogs. Frankly, I never thought I would have Pit Bulls either. Why? Because I had heard the same bad press as you probably have on these animals.... and, I thought of them as being a VERY scary breed. Getting them has forced me to re-evaluate what I thought I knew. Sometimes, life does that to you... anyway... now back to what I began telling you...

...once we were in the examination room, Booda was sitting near Cass on a bench looking at Tasha and nervously waiting. Cass was trying to calm him as he cried. Meanwhile, Tasha was shaking like a leaf on the stainless steel table. I tried to calm her as she leaned hard into me. My holding her shaky body and talking to her only made Booda whine louder. Often... he gets jealous when she attention. And... I noticed that he is learning to give dirty looks. Sometimes, he'll turn his head and watch you out of the corner of his eye while you pet Tasha... then, when you look at him... he'll look away. He pretends he doesn't see it and then he'll act aloof until you coax him over for some attention. Booda is Mr. Sensitive... seems he's either brooding or smiling.

Christmas shopping
Cass and I finished up some Christmas shopping yesterday. Of course, the stores were crazy busy, and, the traffic was horrendous. We ended up having a excellent day in spite of it. We talked about everything under the sun and acknowledged how fortunate we were to know each other despite how our relationship has changed. Neither of us have any regrets. Even though the transition period in our relationship has been awkward, we came into each others lives at a time when we needed each other. It was absolutely what we needed. And, we are both better people because of it. We have learned a lot, about each other and about ourselves in the process. Although we've both grieved the death of our relationship, we've embraced the new relationship we have. The relationship didn't actually die... it changed.

I know that most people don't live together after they break up, but somehow we've managed. I don't think either of us can say this has been a piece of cake, but, it has brought us to a new level of understanding. That's the coolest thing about Cass... the level of communication we now have amazes me. I can talk to her about things I could have NEVER talked to L about. I love that about her. That is rather remarkable to me. Our relationship has allowed both of us to grow leaps and bounds in a year.

Of course, we aren't going to live together indefinitely. We've known that for a while now. Actually... we knew that practically from the start of our relationship, because Cass wanted to be out on her own to find her independence. Something that I believe is a good thing. Anyway... Cass is planning on moving out after I get back from my vacation in February. I am very glad that she'll be here to take care of things while I'm gone. I know that I don't have to worry about anything with her her here.

I hate worrying. I hate it even though I've had plenty of practice.

December 23, 2000

Another bitter cold day. After cleaning ashes out of the woodstove, I hauled wood and started another fire in the Outback early this morning.

My brother and his two kids are coming over this afternoon. It's been over a month since I've seen them and they've seen the dogs. My brother laughed when I told him how much they weighed now. They were probably half of that weight the first time they all met.

As for the seizure my 13 year old niece recently had, so far - all of the test results are inconclusive. She'll be getting more tests in the coming weeks. Still... there is a chance we may never know why this happened.

December 24, 2000

Merry Christmas eve.

Computer problems prevented this upload from arriving in cyberland when I wanted it to. Sometimes I hate it when I don't get my damn way. As a show of personal power, I restrained myself from throwing a complete fit.

December 25, 2000

This morning started off on the wrong foot for Cass. First, she had to work today... and, she had to leave here shortly after 5 a.m. to head for work. At 5:45 I get a phone call from a payphone. She's at a 7-11 in a neighboring town - her damn car died and she can't get it started. It's either the alternator < even though she recently had it replaced with another from the junkyard near her parents > or... it could be the battery < which so old she doesn't recall when it was replaced >. Regardless - where are you gonna get your car fixed on Christmas day?

The plan for her today was to go to her parents house after work. She has all of her family's gifts wrapped and in the car. I'm bummed out for her. She can probably get a ride into work from a co-worker < she isn't that far away from work > - but, first.... she's gonna call a wrecker to see if they can jump start the battery. If this doesn't work... I don't know what she'll end up doing.

This is the absolute worst day for something like this to happen, not to mention it is bitter ass cold here this morning. Telling her "Merry Christmas" might sound sarcastic....

.... on the other hand, telling you "Merry Christmas" might not.

So then..... Merry Christamas and I hope yours is a day to remember. A day that doesn't include car trouble... or any other trouble.

Hmmmmmm. The night before last, I had a dream in which my truck wouldn't start on Christmas... I can only hope that isn't prophetic.

December 28, 2000

I hope that you all had a good Christmas. As you can tell, I've been busy and haven't taken the time out to write. So... here I am. Pounding away another update.

I had a nice Christmas at Mom and Dave's place. My brother was there with his two kids and, sista was there with her three kids along with her boyfriend. My Mom's half-brother < who I refer to as my "Unc" because he is her half-bro > was there, too. Along with my Aunt who was dropped off by my increasingly cranky-assed uncle.

My uncle didn't feel social because he would have had to chain smoke in the Florida room. According to him, "it's too god-damned cold in there." He didn't even budge when I said I'd bring my ceramic heater. If it ain't 95 degrees he isn't happy... and, face it - if it was 95 degrees he would find something else to bitch about. He's been a real prick lately. I mean... shit... it isn't my damn fault that your son - my cousin - committed suicide... and - it isn't my Aunt's fault either. I've decided I HAVE to stay away from him because, if I don't, I'm gonna end up telling that bastard off. I'm sick of his bullshit and frankly, I'm surprised that I haven't told him what an asshole I think he is by now. My Aunt may tolerate his crap and kiss his puny ass, but, I don't feel like I have to.

He didn't even want to drop off my Aunt, but, he did anyway. I'm sure she had to listen to him bitch all the way there. I wish she could be hypnotized to say at the mere sound of his voice: "shutthefuckup!" I ended up leaving early to take my Aunt home... which, considering his demeanor, I do not understand why she had to rush back home to his belittling behavior. Nevertheless... I cut my day short because she was chomping at the bit to leave. I happen to live closer to her than anyone else so I won the prize. Once I got there, she wanted me to come in and did, although I didn't want to. I thought my presence might dissuade his nastiness. Wrong. The minute we walked in he was bitching. The ONLY reason why I didn't say a damn thing to him was because there was a neighbor guy sitting there. Between his bullshit and the fact that the place felt like a damn incubator, I left after a few minutes.

Other than that shit... Christmas was fine. It was nice hanging out with my family. When we get together, we laugh a lot. Since laughing is good... it's good to be around them. Lord knows we've all had enough to cry about over the past 4 years... the laughing was a clear indication that this WAS a good Christmas.  We are moving along. We have to.

My sista, myself and sis's kids spent yesterday shopping with Mom. We had money from Dave and Mom and she must have wanted to make sure we spent it.... so we did. I was surprised that the stores weren't that packed, but, they weren't. We all found enough bargains to make us smirk and, I now have enough perfume and make-up to last for at least 5 years.

My sista's oldest son < 10 > came back to my house to spend the night - no... make that 2 nights... < after a call from sis > and, he'll be getting picked up tomorrow. This afternoon he and Cass are running some errands and... this explains the time I've had to transcribe these events. Of course, I sat down to do this AFTER I swept and mopped, shook rugs and washed the bathroom floor on my hands and knees.... amongst other household chores.

Last night my nephew and I hung out in the Outback with the pups and fed the woodstove. It was a damn cold night and... we were running back and forth between there and the house all evening. In between that, I set him up with his own hotmail account and taught him how to use it. My friend in Arizona was kind enough to volley e-mails with him, so, now he feels like the e-mail king. We also cranked up the music in the wing, turned on the strobe light and danced our asses off. He's a damn good dancer for being 10! I asked him, "didja ever dance like this for your Mom?"

But... now he wants a strobe light, a copy of some CD's I burned and... a mirror for his room. Hmmmmmm.... I wonder what Mom will make of that?

If it's alright with her... it's alright with me. That's one wish I can make true for him. Sometimes it really nice to get what you want, dontcha think? Although he told me I could get it for his birthday, I'll have to make up a fake holiday < like national shake your booty day > so that I can indulge him sooner. His birthday isn't until October!

At 10 your concept of time is so different from adulthood. Hmmmmm.... maybe not that much though. Why would I say that? Because I seem to be the one who is wondering:

December 29, 2000

Friday. The last Friday of the year 2000. Another year flies by.

I sit here wondering what the New Year will bring. Especially in retrospect a year from now. Although... even if I could, I'm not certain I'd want to know. So, I'll embark on the continuing voyage of my life with few assumptions and wish for the best. Despite recent years littered with the hardship of personal tragedies, there is a big part of myself that remains forever optimistic.

That optimism is a spiritual mystery to me, although, I do thank God that I haven't been left entirely disheartened by these experiences. If that were so, it could be counted as another tragedy in the scheme of things.

This New Year I am celebrating life itself. Whatever unknown events transpire in the coming year < of course >, I hope that incidents to come will be predominately good. Yet, if unforseen burdens come my way, I hope that I can somehow weather them and go on without losing my faith and optimistic essence. Even though the possibility of tragedy frightens me, it is a part of life as much as the blessings are. Nobody asked me if I liked that fact. Oh, well.

Because tragedies breed a subsequent awareness regarding the fragile balance, I can say that I have a true appreciation of what is good.... yet, I am realistic enough to know that life is fraught with its share of imperfections. My expectations are not so unrealistic that they aren't attainable. In fact, I'm not sure that I have much in the way of pure expectations at all... although I am fully stocked in the hope department.

Life is an adventure. Some parts we'd rather skip, but, we have to travel in the dark sometimes. We have to journey to the uncomfortable outer limits to learn something. We can't know everything in the midst of this quest. Sometimes we can't know what is happening when it is upon us... hopefully, we learn and grow in retrospect.

In looking retrospectively at my life over a handful of years, what do I feel I have learned? Well, I've learned quite a few things in this accelerated course. I've learned that I am much more resilient than I had previously imagined. I've learned that there is strength to be found in situations that seem to be the most draining of strength. I've learned to appreciate what is and to accept life as imperfect < sometimes hideous > yet simultaneously beautiful. An exquisite dichotomy of immense proportions. A complexity woven with an elegant clarity. I've learned to appreciate intuitive moments, and, to acknowledge my feelings. I have learned to appreciate the life I have been given, along with who I am. And, I haven't stopped wondering who I'll become. I've learned to embrace so many things. Flaws and frailty included.

Successful living is evolution. In embracing change we tend to enhance our development. In facing our fears we gain confidence. In stepping out of bounds we grow and expand our horizons. As long as I am moving, I am going somewhere.

While the idea of change frightens me, the idea of becoming stagnant is beyond frightening.

Sooooooooo... as I sit here today contemplating the New Year, there remain many things to think about. Some, I may never have the answers to. Some, I may. Some may simply drive me crazy. Some I may attempt to forget.

Here's another peek into my thoughts. Questions I am pondering on the brink of  the New Year:

Can we actually play it safe? Or.... do we simply fool ourselves into believing it?
< what is safe anyway? >

Are certainties real? Does guilt motivate us in the right direction?
< Is there a right direction? >

Now don't go getting a headache wondering about any of this. I'm not. I'm only illustrating the fact that I don't proclaim to know a damn thing.
 

On the other hand, if you do have a headache from thinking.... then go ahead on this trivial pursuit. Contemplate these questions instead:

. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . 

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