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February 2, 2001

Finally.... it's Friday. 7 damn days until I'm outta here.

Seven days until I am in her presence. Seven days that I feel like I've been waiting for forever. I thought the day would never come. It's creeping up.

Perhaps I am beside myself because I feel like I'm having an OBE . No doubt I am beside myself... quite possibly literally... yet...I still can hardly believe it. I'm actually going to do it.

I'm really gonna do this. Hmmmm... well, it's not that I thought I wouldn't do it. I knew I'd do it. I knew I'd do it because I have felt and still feel like I have to do this. Like I need to do this. It is imperative. I can't NOT go.

I'm feeling that little energy flow thing. No, that big energy flow thing. Maybe you know what I'm talking about and maybe you don't... but... I feel like this when I am going in the right direction. I know when it happens. I can feel it. Hmmmm... you might be one of those people that think it sounds wacky - but... to me, it isn't. To me it is very real. And... somehow, it's like magic nearly... I feel it at my core.

And for the lack on my part of a scientific term or new age name to throw out there for this phenomenon... let me just say that:

Wooooo hoooooo!
HEY... and... if you happen to be one of those people who can see auras... welllll then... lookie here... there is absolutely no doubt that you would be able to see mine. This thing is freaking huge! I mean... I feel like a walking energy field! Although I've felt this before, I haven't like this... not quite to this extent. This is an incredibly intense experience. Very cool... very... very.

Hmmmmm.... wellllll then, ........praise the Lord.

Oh, God... do I ever need to talk to you: While I feel I have been a worthy servant God... I have also fucked up a few things... like... welllll... I mean, ahhhh... I guess we don't have to get into all that. By the way... uhh... yeah.... ummmmm....uhh ...God? I know you understand my language and you know that I mean no disrespect towards you at all, but... I don't get it God. I just don't get it. You knew I was gonna do this. You knew what was going to happen. So.... like if YOU knew and I did something wrong... or even - < you forbid >... sinful... aren't you actually some sort of accomplice to the deed? Why do I have to take all of the responsibility when you already have the answer? Why do I get the heat? You know the answer before the question. You even know the question. You know everything about me. You even know stuff about me that I don't know. Now... what I'm wondering God is... ummmm.... uhhhhhh ... is all that really fair?

And the Lord sayeth: "Yours is not to question why, yours is but to do and die."

But - why God why? Isn't that the equivalent to "just because?"

And the Lord sayeth: Yes.

But... God... I hate that. I really hate that. I want answers God. I want to know why...

And the Lord sayeth: When you are ready to hear it I will tell you... and... not before.

But... I am ready. I am really ready.

And the Lord sayeth: Bullshit. You are looking in the wrong place. And... remember... I would know when you are ready...

Huh?

And the Lord continueth: You have the answers. Look inside yourself. I've given them to you.

Am I crazy? YES... but, that is beside the point! Because... this condensed example is actually how I talk to God. So today I decided to transcribe a few second of dialogue in written form. Now, I can't recall ever sitting at the keyboard and talking to God until today. Generally, when I do... usually, I'm in the yard... or... driving in the truck... or... I could be...oh... I could be lying in bed when I have these conversations with God. I'm usually not here.

When God answers me... it's not like I audibly "hear" a voice... but, I "hear" the answers inside myself. Inside my head. It's gotta be that seed that was planted. It's gotta be connected to my essence... to my soul.

Hmmmm... well then... OK. But God told me to send you here.

February 7, 2001

OK... I crawl back to the computer hoping you wouldn't notice my hasty departure.... I know - I know - I know... I haven't been writing much.... too much going on away from this computer....

you might be wondering...

...what in the hell HAVE I been doing?

vacation prelude
Here's a partial rundown of what I've been doing: < not in any particular order >

Going around in circles. Putting in my time at the office and attempting to work. Nearly desperate to maintain a sense of order... < ha ha ha HAH > Paying bills. Trying to pack for the trip. What should I bring? OHNO!!What will I wear? Hmmmmmm... even though I'd decided earlier on what I'd wear, I'm having second, third and fourth thoughts. What to do? Stop thinking about it. Wear the Old Navy Jeans and that white shirt with my Sketchers. OK. That's what I originally planned. What color nail polish should I use? Search for pictures to take. A book to read. Paper and writing instruments. Gum. Pillage Napster and make more CD's... burn ‘em to haul along.

SHIT!! It's only 2 days until I leave...

So... I'm trembling. An ever so slight panic settles over me. 2 damn days! Less than 48 hours and I'll be off that plane. Insert my nervous laughter here. Right here.

This is where my grin widens and I flash my teeth toward the computer screen. I can hardly wipe that smile off my face. I love the way I am feeling. Being immersed in happiness is good and it's even better because it's coming out from the inside. I am sooooo happy inside. You know - inside... inside where it counts. If my entire being could smile, it would be right now. That is how wonderful I am feeling. Damn. If these feelings could be bottled and sold, I'd do it. Because I'd like to share these remarkable sensations with everyone. No doubt the world would be a better place for it. Hmmmmmmm... imagine that. Everyone cheerful and benevolent. As close to perfect as we could get... and, of course - it doesn't take long to snap out of that fantasy and realize that ain't gonna happen. OK then. Forget it.

WOW... am I ever excited to be meeting Michelle.  It certainly  isn't everyday that you travel across the country to meet a penpal that you had first contact with in 1998. And... to top it off, this is someone you feel you have found a real connection with... a genuine contact...

That doesn't happen often. It has not gone unnoticed by me. So... I stop to thank the day. It's times like this that I feel incredibly blessed.  And... I most certainly am. .
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  Love is so damn cool, ain't it?

ohmygod! The day is upon me and... I'm outta here!

February 20, 2001

OK. Soooooo....

....I'm back at the compound otherwise known as the project live in.

And just HOW did my vacation go?

Wellllllllll.... put it this way.... .
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I didn't want to leave.
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. The statement above pretty much sums it up.
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Michelle and the boys were everything I had imagined and more. I had a wonderful time. In fact, take every positive adjective that you can come up with, put a warm glow in your entirety, add a can't-wipe-it-off cheek busting grin, and, there you have it.

Old friends
While in AZ Michelle had to work a few days during the week while I was there, so, I met up with a couple of friends I hadn't seen in a long time. It was great to be able to spend time with them and catch-up on the happenings in our lives. They took me for a day trip in the jeep along the Apache Trail < spectacular! >, and, on another day we bummed around in the desert yakking and gawking at the mountains.

Guess what else?
This perpetual insomniac stunned herself by actually sleeping.... AND.... sleeping consecutively better than I had in at least 15 years. Assume what you'd like, but, I take this as a sign. It's evidence that I cannot contest. It's that connection thing again.... and, it's been authenticated. I felt at home away from what I've called home. THAT has never happened to me before. Not like that.

What's next?
Hmmmmm.... as stated in the start of this entry, here I am back at project central - and, I know that at the present time, this is where I have to be. I have to be here because I have work to do. The difference is that I know now that I will not be here forever.

This old house...
I really thought I'd live and die here at this place I've worked so hard on. I mean, I had it in my head that after doing all of this work, that I could never leave. It had never occurred to me that something could or would happen in my life to change all that. Something that would change my mind was an unfathomable idea. For the longest time, I felt I KNEW it wouldn't happen. Never ever. It wasn't a consideration.

Why not throw what I thought I knew out the window?
OK then... so I did. So much for what I thought I knew. It blows that theory. My preconceived notions about myself and my life are splintered into a million pieces... I am left removed from feelings of devastation. I find myself quite content in knowing, REALLY knowing what I need to do and where I eventually need to be. I am elated BECAUSE I know.

I have a new direction...
...something to work toward. And even though there is an impulsive part of me that wants everything NOW - right NOW.... today even. Fortunately, I am realistic enough to know that is impossible. Impossible because I have work to do here before I can do anything. My life from here on out will be in laying the groundwork for my eventual departure and the beginning of a new phase of my life.

Let's talk about the weather...
Michelle and I do live in climatic extremes. Even though we know that we would be happy together, neither of us could live where the other lives and expect ourselves to fully adapt. She lives in the desert where it gets hotter than hell, and, I live in the northern Midwest where it gets colder than hell. The fact being that we both live in hell - but, we are used to OUR hell... it doesn't translate into one of us sacrificing to the extreme of the other. That would be unrealistic.

Moderation is the key...
Since Arizona is a state diverse in climate, it appears that I will eventually be packing up and heading there. In the meantime, I've got plenty of work to complete before I can put my house on the market, and, a ton of downsizing to do. The accumulation needs to be dispersed. I need to figure out what I am going to drag across the country.

How long will this take?
I don't know. If everything fell right into place, it probably still wouldn't happen for a few years. Michelle would have to find another job in different area and we'd have to find a house. It wouldn't make sense for me to move across the country and move again. When and if that happens, I'll put my house on the market. Since this place is I've been working on is so unique, I doubt it will be on the market for long. In fact, I am so confident about that, that I plan to sell it on my own - without giving a cut of my equity to a real estate agent. This house will sell itself. As for work, I'm not concerned about that either. Wherever she finds a job, I'll find one, or, I'll make one. Since this is going to take some time, it's safe to say that nobody can accuse either of us of rushing into anything. .
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Although I hate waiting...
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Damn.... do I feel lucky or what?!

February 26, 2001

It's Monday and I've been dragging ass for the last 3 days. Seems some damn flu bug got me so I've been feeling far less than par. I hate that.

Oh, well. At least I wasn't sick during my vacation, and, the weather isn't all that great here either. Cold and gray. Blah. If there was ever a time to be feeling like this, I suppose this would be it.

It's nearly a week since I've returned. It'll be 5 months until I see Michelle again. She and the boys are coming here for 17 days in July. That seems so far away from now, and, it is. But... somehow I'll manage. After all, I've got plenty of work to do. So, I'll work and think. That's right. I'll work and think about them.

Work. The bane of my existence. Nothing new there. Except that I've taken a rather extended break. Hmmmmmm.... the last big project I did came right after building the courtyard fence, when I built the outdoor bar. This has been the largest lull in my working around here. And, I'm feeling like it is necessary to get back at it. I really want to wrap some things up here, and, there is enough work to keep me busy for the next year. Very busy.

It looks like Cass will be moving out, possibly by the end of the week. She's moving to an apartment of her own not far from here. I remember when I moved out on my own and how excited I was about it. Now, I see the same thing in her, and, it makes me smile. It is a period of tremendous personal growth, and, I hope things work out well for her. My best advice: pay the bills first and party second.

In the dark
Last evening, while I was talking to Michelle on the phone, she was mid-sentence when the power went out. The cordless phone immediately hissed loud static in my ear as the room I sat in plunged into darkness. I tripped over Crash < the old Black Lab > while feeling and fumbling my way through the kitchen to the location of the wooden matches. Once located, I struck one and found a candle that I quickly lit. I couldn't find the damn flashlight to save my life. It wasn't where I had remembered seeing it last. Not to worry though, there were plenty of candles in the house. I gathered a few and lit them.

I wondered, What in the hell am I gonna do now? Hmmmmm... the silence and the flickering candles were nice. So.... I looked for some paper and sat down at the old wooden table with a pen in my hand and wrote a letter to Michelle. A handwritten letter. Something I don't do much of anymore since the advent of e-mail. But, something I will specifically make a point to do on occasion. I won't wait until the power goes out. It felt good to feel myself writing rather than typing.

After writing 3 ½ pages... I put the paper away and found an envelope that I addressed to her, the writing instrument still in my hand. Folded the letter twice, slipped it into the envelope, sealed it and applied 2 stamps. Two stamps because of the penny postage increase to 34 cents. I wondered why they didn't make it 35 cents. I suppose it doesn't matter though. In a few years it will be 35 cents. Maybe they think that raising it a penny at a time doesn't get people too damn riled up. I mean, what can you buy with a penny anymore? Is there anything? Nevertheless... I don't think 35 cents is too much to pay to have a letter delivered over 2,000 miles away. Hell... I don't even think it's too much to pay for one delivered across town.

The power ended up coming back on about 2 hours after it went out. It wasn't off long enough to make a difference on my bill, but, at least it was off long enough to write a letter and enjoy the silence around me.

February 27, 2001

10:30 a.m.
Cass just called from the high school she is substitute teaching at. She's been approved for the apartment she applied for. She'll be signing the lease this coming Monday.

1:15 p.m.
Sista called... so it's time for another long overdue Sista update:

Today was finally the day when her 4 year old daughter was taken in for a professional assessment to determine whether or not she was sexually abused or inappropriately touched by her Grandmother. You might recall that this has become part of the court battle for visitation rights which began shortly after her son < Sista's husband > was killed in a car accident.

Because of the court wrangling, the patriarchal Grandmother in question does not have visitation rights with the children < although she does have limited contact via phone as ordered by the court >. As you could imagine, my Sis doesn't want the children to have physical visitation with her. Especially visitation without supervision. What mother in her right mind would? You'd have to be nuts to ignore something like that. Top this claim by the 4 year old off by adding her 6 year old brother as a witness < he was also at the assessment center today >. Since he has had no contact with the Grandmother, he has begun opening up to my Sis. It wasn't long ago that he admitted that he saw Grandmother "looking inside" and touching his sister - "down there."

Only days ago, both of the children had visited the judges chamber at the courthouse where they videotaped the children's responses to the judges questions. The children corroborated each others story. The State trooper present at the assessment center said she was going to talk to the Grandmother. The other woman at the center said she would be turning over the information to the prosecutor. She felt that inappropriate contact had been made.

What will happen now? Who knows. A charge of inappropriate sexual contact is on the lesser end of the scale of sexual abuse. Most likely, nothing will happen to her. The old slap-on-the-wrist probably. BUT... we hope that the judge does NOT allow physical visitation again with the children. For more than this reason alone...

Last week, my 6 year old nephew admitted to his mother that he had thought about killing himself. MYGOD! This child is six damn years old!!! After his father died, he was acting out horribly after weekend visitations with the Grandmother. He began slipping in school, and, had regular night terrors upon his return home, along with a number of incidents when he acted out in anger. Sis got him into counseling and the counselor stated that he was a highly intelligent boy and he couldn't understand why he was doing so poorly in school, but, it all seemed to be related to the visits with the Grandmother.

Apparently, my nephew needed to be removed from the influence of the visitations with the Grandmother before he would completely open up about some of the events that took place as well as the feelings he was experiencing. It took him over a year to admit to witnessing Grandmother touching his little sister - and, to admit that she specifically told him "not to tell," and, that it was "their secret."

It was shocking to hear that this little boy I love so much was in such pain that he would think about killing himself. It really made me sick to my stomach and angry as hell to think that he felt that way. Not only did he feel that way, but, he had devised ideas as to how to carry it out by "falling on a knife or sharpened pencils." How shocking is that? To me it was shocking enough to feel stunned for several hours before I could even cry.

Sis is adamant that the Grandmother NEVER has physical visitation alone with the children again. IF the kids WANTED to see her, my Sista said she'd allow her to come to HER HOUSE and be there in my Sista's presence. I'd say that's quite accommodating considering the entirety of these issues since her estranged husband's death. Otherwise, if the judge tells my Sista that she must allow the kids visitation with her, she said she'll either go to jail or move out of the state.

The court date is tentatively set for the 20th of March.

3:45 p.m.
Other stuff in my life

The bully dogs. The bad bully dogs.

They tore up the Outback again yesterday. I shoveled a bunch of stuff they ripped to shreds into a barrel for the trash - wadding from an old cot mattress, shredded wood for the woodstove, nails and screws they managed to pull off a shelf, and, electrical wire they yanked from the wall < which fortunately is not live >. Plus, they found a magazine < after I thought I'd pet proofed the place > and tore it up outside in the kennel while I went grocery shopping. They were pissed off because I wouldn't let them go for a run before I left. Somehow, they even took hold of one of my cast iron pots that has a wooden handle. I'm sure you can imagine what the handle looks like now.

They ought to be really pissed off at me by the end of the week. Thursday, they both get spayed. But, at least they might not feel good enough to vandalize everything for a few days.

Tasha is the worst of the two of them. Booda, as large as he is getting < at nearly 50 pounds >, is much more mellow than the little shit Tasha is. She may be the smaller of the two, but, her attitude is so much bigger. I've snuck up on the Outback and caught her doing stuff while Booda is either nearby watching or laying down.

The ground is still frozen, but, that hasn't stopped the brat dog Tasha from discovering her love of digging. I can hardly wait until it thaws! She's been diligently working on her first hole in the kennel near the building despite the frozen ground.

I can just imagine coming home to her sitting in the driveway after having dug out of the kennel. Booda might stay in the kennel if only to prove he didn't do it.

Anyway... I just took a few pictures of them. I had to use up a few on the last vacation roll so I could send it in for processing. When I get them back I'll scan one and post it. I'm overdue in posting a picture...

8:30 p.m.
Wellllllll.... what do you know? A rambling diatribe that lasted all day long. While I should be winding down from the day, I seem to be winding up.

I must be feeling better because I am overwhelming myself again by thinking about all of the work left to do on the house. The angst and stress is part of the project it seems. I have developed a pattern here.

1. think     2. fret     3. freak out     4. do the job.

I don't know why I do that, but, I do. I recognize it. I can laugh about it in all but the #3 stage. When I'm freaking out, I'm rarely laughing. This is the stage I pray passes as quickly as it comes. It is the most annoying of all. TRY TO IGNORE ME. Sometimes I appear possessed by an evil bitch twin.

It doesn't feel like me. I hate it. When I look back at it, it never seems real. But, things can become out of control in my head. Pissed off and overwhelmed is a good description. My angst apparent and my brow furrowed, I always wonder later, "what in the hell was I thinking?" I can laugh about it only after the fact.

I'm happy to say I'm not at that freaking out stage. Perhaps I'll get lucky and skip it this time. That could happen. After all, there are other things to worry about other than this perpetual work-in-progress.

What then?

Wellllllll... things like spontaneous human combustion.

I don't want to get so hot under the collar that I'm cruising for a flaming.

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