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January 1, 2001     - or -        jump back to: December 2000
 
 

Wow. A brand spanking new year! I'm still wondering where the last one went... ...otherwise...

...as for me: no hangover < sur - frickin' - prise! >. So, I'm off to a clear-headed start. Hope you didn't opt to ring it in with your head. If you did... wellllllll... OK then. Imagine I'm speaking in hushed tones. And, try to pretend you don't hear me laughing at you.

I brought in the New Year while indulging in a luxurious bubble bath! It's the first time I've ever done that, but... that's OK.... it's a New Year. Might as well start it off with something new and completely different.

I didn't make any of the usual New Year's resolutions. YET... I am not without a list of potentially profound changes. There's a ton of activity going on in my head. I'm back to speeding along in my thoughts. Speeding along with a new focus.

As you might guess, one of the first thoughts I've had for this New Year is that I hope the coming year brings joy. Joy not only to myself, but - to my entire family. Like.... no more suicides PLEASE. OK? I think we've all had enough. OHMYGOD! If you are thinking about suicide PLEASE get yourself some damn help... don't just do it. While you may be put out of your real or imagined pain here on earth, you have no idea of the pain you leave behind. None. It's not an effective way to find out how many people care about you either. After you're dead it's too damn late. Even if you don't give a shit about yourself - at least seek some intervention for other people you care about. Think beyond yourself. Your actions have repercussions that suck.

And WHO am I to talk? I mean, on at least a few occasions earlier in my life.... I thought about suicide. I mean, I really THOUGHT about it. Seriously thought about it. You should have seen the look on my Mother's face when I told her THAT after my Dad killed himself. It was the most painful thing I'd seen on her face. She looked at me with such compassion and horror that it described how I was feeling at the time. Not only did I feel it, but, I saw how I felt. It sucked to see that, too.

Now back to the point you probably didn't even realize I was trying to make... the main reason I spent the eve of the New Year in the tub is because my friend Gail was going to come over, but something unexpected happened, so, she spent the time with her family instead.

OK then.... WHAT happened?

Her sister-in-law's father committed suicide yesterday. Another one bites the dust. Which is exactly WHY I found myself starting off the New Year thinking about suicide again. I can't tell you how sick I am of this reoccurring theme. Stop it will ya?

January 2, 2001

Another day of the rest of my life. However long that turns out to be. And YES.... I have been busy assessing what I will do this year and where I want my life to go from there. Oddly enough, I have surprised myself with some totally divergent thinking.

So, the work plan for the mad handyma'am involves finishing up some loose ends around this place in the coming year. By the end of 2001, all of the trim and finish work will be done and the new addition will be finished. Essentially, my work will be wrapped up.

I've put a lot of work into this place since I've lived here. Gutted and renovated the original part of the house, added two additions to the existing structure, and, now have 3 outbuildings on the property. An amazing amount of work. More than what some people accomplish in a lifetime. And, I say that with humble intentions.

Anyway... I always thought I'd stay here forever. I mean, I've put so much labor into this place that I never thought I'd consider leaving. I figured I'd die here.

Now.... I'm not so sure about that at all. I'm seriously thinking about finishing my work here and selling the place. Of course, I couldn't do this overnight. It would probably take me a few years to get everything together and downsize my material possessions...

... it sounds crazy doesn't it? :^)

No doubt to some people... especially some I know... they probably wouldn't believe it. I can envision gaping stares. Audible breaths of disbelief. Incredulous masks. Soprano voices. Heads shaking NO. I can hear them now... "OhmyGod!!! I can't believe she did that! Can you? After all that work she put into the place! And then she just sells it and walks away... I just can't believe it!!!"  Yep. THAT and all the variations thereof.
 
 

A few things perhaps. But, let me start here...

...one day not long ago... I realized that I was the adult I'd always wanted to be as a child. Even though I also realized that the ideas I had then were far from realistic... I am still the adult. It's just that I don't know as much as the child thought I did. I didn't have all the answers. Damn it! But, I realized I was right about one aspect of adulthood through that child's eyes...  and that was:.
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How empowering was that? Wow. I started feeling lucky.

I can do whatever I want. Hmmmmmm... what a concept. A concept that I embraced often enough yet not quite in this way. Not quite like I'd thought before. This is about rocking my world. This is about changing my life.

And the reason that I like that idea is because it never seemed like a possibility before. It's opened up some exciting new thoughts.

Thoughts that could be entitled: now here's something completely different...

It is different. It was unexpected. Yet... in contemplating such a huge change, I feel the adrenalin rush. I feel that it would allow me to grow. I feel that it would enhance my spiritual growth. I'm beginning to think that this is what I need to do for myself. I'm beginning to think I have a new direction and a new stack of possibilities to deal with. I feel untethered. I feel the freedom in allowing myself to let go of what I've known and, what I've thought. It stirs something deep within me to think about stepping out of my self-imposed boundaries.

Yet... there is a part of me that can't believe I would be thinking this. There is a little noisy part of me that is even scared... BUT... there is a part of me that loves the idea of liberating myself. That part seems bigger than the rest. That part seems to be pulling me away. That part wants to throw caution to the wind. That part says: just do it.

And to think... after all this time... .
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I can still surprise myself.

January 4, 2001

Just got home from work. Decided to sit and write a bit before I go to the Outback and check up on the pups. Shit. Now I'm wondering if they have enough food in the gravity feeding station... I'd better check... hold on - I'll be right back.

OK. I've returned. My instinct was right on. Together, they chomped through a 20 pound bag of puppy chow in about 8-9 days. It's no wonder why they had gained 10 pounds each in 26 days on the last Vet visit. They ARE the definition of chow hounds. But, they are also the definition of healthy, happy pups.

Cass just left for the store, so... she's gonna pick up some puppy food. Tomorrow I'll be stopping for a big bag before I come home.

Maybe this weekend I'll try to get another picture of them posted. They have really grown since the picture posted last month. They've even outgrown their first collars. Collars that they seemed to take turns removing from each other. When they finally reach maturity, I plan to get them harnesses so they are easier to control. But for now, it's imperative to get new collars to leash train them. As it is now, they don't like being collared and like being leashed even less.

My compassionate tendencies cannot overlook the fact that I am the master. The sooner they grasp that concept the better. The sooner I grasp the concept the better.

So, enough of that. Now onto the upcoming weekend.

Saturday is my friend Gail's birthday as well as my niece. I have previously bought my niece her birthday presents ....sooooo.... I must shop for Gail tomorrow. I won't say what I am getting her in advance in the event she reads this!

On the shopping trip after Christmas with Mom, Sis and the 3 kids, I picked up stuff for my niece who is ALL ABOUT Barbie. Barbie this and Barbie that... she loves Barbie. So, when we shopped, I bought her some seriously cool Barbie stuff. It's funny because when I was about to check out my stuff at the register, she saw one of the things I had. Her eyes feasted upon this big pink Barbie thing. Like an oversized lunch box. Of course, it has an enlarged Barbie head on it.... and she said with wide eyes and a enormous smile < in the most enthusiastic little voice >:

Caught off guard... I reciprocated the smile and big eyes and said, "YES!" < which, I must confess is a lie > BUT... I thought I would die from the laughter suppression alone.

I could have never pulled this off on Gail. But... when you are about to be 4... welllll, YOU know... life is so much simpler.

What happens that leads so many of us to be disbelievers? Is it based on experience alone? OR... is it that we don't want to let go?We don't want to trust ourselves? Obviously, if we don't trust ourselves, how can we trust other people? How can we trust even ONE person?

How do we do it? Hmmmm... the answer is relatively simple. That being: we simply believe. We tap into our intuition or gut feelings - whatever you want to call it... it's all the same. Call it what you want.Trust really IS a given.
We give it. We hold the permission slip. Yet first, we have to learn to listen. We listen to that inner voice or inner thought... that gut thing, that IKNOWWHATTHEANSWERIS feeling. Know what I mean? We allow it to happen based on feelings that we sometimes cannot explain. Feelings that we don't have to explain. If you allow yourself to feel, you allow yourself experience. And speaking of experience...

... experience teaches. Experience gives us those Hallmark moments as well as a passel of potential shit. The antonym of experience being the word "avoid" tells me only one thing. And, what is that? Hmmmm.... how about the avoidance of experience is equal to the avoidance of life itself. Now... why would I say that?

Experience is a training session in life.

...one that SHOULD BE experienced.

My computer has been a pain in the ass lately. I hate that.
 

same old shit
I paid bills today and now find myself feeling somewhat agitated. Not too agitated, but enough to temporarily furrow my brow.

The increased cost for winter utilities, recovery from Christmas shopping, upcoming property taxes, and a dentist bill have me irritated in the financial sense. It's not that I'm worried about paying my bills, BUT - it pisses me off that I have so little left over.

Alright then. I'm over it.

Sorta.
Kinda.

It's a cash flow problem. It's coming down the pike but it's not flowing properly. I need to put the feng-shui hex on it.

I want money... that's what I want
OK. Now I'm laughing... after all, it's only money. Money has not been one of my foremost concerns. It's a thing... although, it's a thing we need. You can't take it with you... nope. Especially if you don't have it to begin with. And, if you're dead - your relatives need some of it to pay for your funeral. If you want to piss everyone off - leave it all to your dog. It's just money. It shouldn't matter even though it does. Do we want to believe that money isn't everything at a time like this? Try telling that one to your creditors. You might as well tell them that "the best things in life are free" while you're at it. Money.We are bred to be addicts. We have to have it. Someone is paying something for us from the day we are born. There is no detox. It's not like we can choose to live free somewhere in the woods.
We need money. From time to time, we try to act like we don't want it. Oh... we can be so damn righteous.

Hmmmmmm.... I wonder what God thinks about "in God we trust" imprinted on all of our cash. Isthatsanctioned by God? Did someone get licensing rights to do this? Is God getting a cut of it? Royalties perhaps?  Are we going straight to hell by referring to it as the "Almighty Dollar?"

Money is an essential part of living. Whether you're the cash poor or the abundant to fund it... it doesn't matter if you're living high or low off the hog...  money is a dictator. .
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And.... when I'm not thinking about stuff like this - I'm imagining how I will spend my future multi-million dollar lottery winnings. .
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. A mind. It really is a terrible thing to waste.

So then..... why haven't I been writing much? If you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that I mentioned in the last entry that the computer has been deemed highly uncooperative.

In MY ass, as Cass has been answering piled up e-mail and experiencing the frozen system syndrome. She chooses to brave it. To me - it's a reboot cussing nightmare < lets ignore the fact that it's my fault because I have overloaded and taxed the unit to near motherboard death >. PLUS... I'm using one at the office < really it's 2 - and they sometimes run concurrently >.... AND.... I'm mad at one of them, too.

I whine. I bitch. I stalk and pace around the house. I swear.Sometimes audibly. The computer does not respond to this. It ignores me. Hmmmmmmmmm...

I mean... if I had issues. Which I don't. Not now anyway. Not today.

The computer ignoring me would parallel a person who is ignoring me < and why not? >. That is... if I was acting just like that. Do you really think the computer will be fixed or somehow different because you are having a little fit? Do you think that somehow you can change the computer? Or, better yet.... that IT will want to change itself? Hmmmmm... maybe if I change my attitude toward the computer - the computer will change it's attitude toward me. Maybe if I'm nicer to it, it will be nicer to me.

final words to my computer < pretend it's on a webcam >
This is ridiculous. I can't go on like this. You'll never change.I need more. You aren't enough for me anymore.You can't give me what I need. We have different goals and ideas. I'm tired of the shit. I'm tired of fighting with you. I'm tired of you not responding. .
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I'm through.
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on a related note:
If you've e-mailed me lately... please note that it is the fault of my set. That factor has delayed and outright interfered with my response time.

January 14, 2001

the past
In a conversation I had earlier today, we spoke about having or not having regrets in life. After hanging up the telephone following my declaration of having no regrets, I began to pace around the house thinking about it. Mainly I was thinking about the relationships I've had.

On one hand, there ARE things I wished I'd never got involved in. On the other - most often, I learned something along with gaining experience from situations I've been in. Regardless... once something is over, it can't be changed. It was what it was, even if you think it's a mistake you made.

When I sit back and look at my life up to now, it is clear to me that the point of view I have today is different. While I can sit here today and say in retrospect there were choices I'd wished I hadn't made... and, that is an accurate statement... only because I am looking at it from here. I was a different person then, and, at an entirely different stage of my life. One with a whole different perspective.

the future
We all have our journey in life. And, we all have to get through something in order to get somewhere else. While I am not certain where my life will lead, I have faith in the journey.

dreams
Meanwhile... there is a part of me today that wants the dream. You know.... that girly dream. The white-picket fences thing. The fairy tale that comes true thing. AND... there is a part of me that believes it COULD happen even though another part of me thinks it's highly unlikely. It doesn't stop me from wanting it.

failures
As my relationships in the past fizzled out, I have always harbored feelings of failure. I always seemed to take it very personally. The exception was that I never had that feeling with Cass. Even though the relationship was relatively short-lived, we've both learned from it. We came into each others lives at the perfect time for a specific purpose... that purpose being to learn about ourselves and to grow as individuals. It wasn't a failure because we parted, it was a success that allowed each of us self-improvement.

nice people
Cass is a sweet person. She is compassionate and overall - she is plain ol' nice. She would never be mean to someone on purpose. After knowing her, I've decided I really liked nice people.

Not that I didn't like nice people before, BUT - I have been with people that project a shell of pleasantries and kindness, while the reality behind closed doors is a different story. That sucks.  I don't like fake people or mean people any more than I like people who think their shit doesn't stink.

parents
I don't feel sorry for myself because I made certain choices. I've lived with the choices I've made and will continue to do so. STILL... I remember reading or hearing at some point that we choose our mates based on the characteristics of one of our parents. I could never see that I had done exactly that until I looked back at things because....

Of my parents, I had and have the most respect and admiration for my Mother. So... why in the hell would I choose people that were more like my Father? I can't honestly answer that. Although I made my peace with my Father before he died, words alone cannot explain what an asshole he was throughout my childhood. He was often mean for no apparent reason. Physically abusive and verbally abusive. He was like another child in the house. Frequently unpredictable and volatile. I don't recall ever feeling safe around him when I was growing up.

On the other hand, my Mother is and was a wonderful woman. A kind and compassionate soul. She would never hurt anyone. She was the glue that held our family together. She set a good example while my father behaved in opposition. They both had jobs. For the most part, she wasn't around when he would get drunk and beat the crap out of us. The few occasions that she was, we were herded into the car to stay at Grandma's or my Aunt's place for a night or two - whereupon my Father would < predictably > beg my Mother to come back with the promise of being sorry and that things will be different. So we'd go back.

And things would be different. For a short time anyway. Then... repeat the song and dance.

Mom stuck with Dad. She stuck with him even though she deserved more. Through witnessing this dysfunction, she unknowingly taught me to put up with more than anyone should. So... I guess that explains my past willingness to stay in bad situations with unexplainable high hopes. That also explains the problems I've had in letting go of things that are not worth hanging onto. I never learned how to let go... that wasn't even in the realm of possibilities. Realizing this now, it's understandable why I felt like a failure when a relationship didn't work out.

As far as the future is concerned... I don't want a relationship with anyone who is like my Father. It's way too uncomfortable and familiar at the same time.

I want someone who is more like my Mom. Someone kindhearted. Someone proper and respectable. Someone I can trust. Someone nice. Someone I feel safe with. .
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As life seems to be taking another turn...
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I may have found her.
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Cass finds the situation exceedingly amusing. She seems to enjoy watching me squirm as well as pointing out to me what she claims is obvious. Not the usual reaction of an ex-girlfriend, is it?! So.... I guess it's safe to say she's not typical < and I really appreciate that >..
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January 15, 2001

After re-reading the entry above, I have to say something else about Cass...

and ...

that is that she and I do have a very unusual relationship.

Wonderfully unusual. Sometimes I still can't believe it.

To be perfectly honest, I can't imagine talking to any of my ex-girlfriends the way she and I talk. I mean, if I wanted to imagine getting my head pounded in - well... then OK - I could imagine that. But... with Cass things are entirely different. Different from anything I've known.

Far from typical.

No... no... no... < CUZ i SAID >

Cass calmly pointed out to me that anything is possible. Nothing is impossible. She told me that I needed to open up my mind to the possibilities and see that. There is nothing that is inconceivable. Anything can work out if it's supposed to be.

Of course, I knew all of this ...but, hell NO... this concept certainly didn't apply to this situation... and,  I told her that. She immediately told me I was wrong in thinking that and that I needed to look at things objectively. .
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I did NOT want to hear that. I wanted to hide in the comfort of my denial. This couldn't be. I wouldn't allow it. I didn't want to believe it.

But... I couldn't stop it either. Not having control over this made me feel uncomfortable.
 
 

OHNO!!!!!!!! ...........circumstances beyond my control !
 
 

but... it was true. I felt a spiritual connection to someone who lived 2,000 miles away from me.
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  Now... how inconvenient was THAT?To top it off... this wasn't someone I met recently. This was someone I was familiar with in the past. We had a history. The first time she wrote me was in early 1998, shortly after I started writing this journal.

HA!

I met Cass via the net... and that wasn't bad at all - BUT..... another one??? .
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< proof I truly am a worthy of the mad ma'am moniker >
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My mind was full of weirdo connotations regarding this Internet connection thing < still is >. I mean... UGH.
Like people falling in love over the net... yuck.
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JeeeeeeeeeeeSussssssss

Like it's not frickin' normal or something. Like you must be deficient in some way because you can't meet people any other way.

Reality calls... so, face it. Due to the handyma'am work < you know, the stuff I haven't been doing lately > ... it prohibits excessive socialization. Unless you want to count the grocery store or the lumberyard. The extent of my public involvement.

Yeah. OK then. So..... it's like this:
You're hanging out in the local lumberyard looking to get picked up < perhaps near the plywood > and.... I walk in and begin to shop. I turn the corner with the cart and there you are by the 3/4" exterior grade plywood. Our eyes meet and as I get closer my gaze falls to admire your work boots. You notice this immediately and smile. Your eyes drop to lock on the thin kerf saw blades in my cart... you help me load my truck ... get my phone number ...and, well....
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. ...the rest is history.
 
 

Q: Does that REALLY sound any better?
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Does it matter HOWyou meet someone? Does it matter more than say... ohhhh... say..... meeting them in the first place?

Does the "imsogladwemet" statement... ...does that exclude certain circumstances? Should it?
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OH WELL...
I remember feeling strange about Cass and I meeting via the net. Here I was feeling it again. .
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Only this time, Cass is laughing and my face is red.

January 16, 2001

I suppose it was back in September that Cass first noticed and said something to me about my mental preoccupation with my faraway pal. While I don't recall if I was daydreaming or not, we were sitting at a bistro table at the watering hole down the street, each quaffing a 22 ounce Labatts Blue. From what I remember, Cass didn't ask me a question, but, she made a statement... something like, "you know, I can tell that you REALLY like this woman... it's so damn obvious..." And, she said it with a great big smile on her face.

True enough. I did like her. I knew that. But, it was the smirk I couldn't wipe off my face that surprised me. Plus, I felt my face flush with the warmth of nervousness. What the...? And here sits Cass across from me with a Cheshire grin on her face. Suddenly I felt strange. It felt wrong to acknowledge her to-the-point statement.

"It's OK to have feelings for her," Cass declared while continuing to look directly at me. "It isn't wrong and you shouldn't feel bad about it."

I shouldn't?Hmmmmmmm.... seemed like I should. I mean... uhhhhhhh... ummmm... isn't it wrong to tell the woman you lived with that you liked another woman? That you REALLY liked her. But DAMN! I wasn't even telling her - she was telling me!

All I could acknowledge that evening was that - YES... I did like her. I really liked her - BUT... it felt like it was something I shouldn't be feeling let alone admitting. It made me feel bad simply to be having this verbal exchange with Cass. Especially with her sitting across from me telling me it was OK. I told her that. I felt weird.

GOODGOD! How can something like that be OK? WOW... I wasn't expecting any of this to begin with. I wasn't looking for it. This hit me out of the blue. Not to mention... the last thing I could have anticipated was having a conversation such as this with Cass - and, to top it off with her telling me what was going on with me.

It felt like the room was spinning along with my head. I would have preferred to deny what I was feeling... but... I couldn't. First, I had to deal with it myself.

Thus began an extended period of serious angst. This event also marked the onset of many more conversations with Cass. Conversations I couldn't imagine having with anyone.

I had wanted to write about this situation months ago, but, I didn't out of respect for Cass. At the time I asked her about it and she said that she wouldn't feel comfortable with my writing about it... not even when I rationalized that I would be putting myself out there by looking like the colossal asshole I felt like. For whatever the reason, she kindly asked me to refrain. So I did. It had nothing to do with saving face on my part.

See there. Sometimes I can be obedient < shocking isn't it? > .

Soooooooooo...why am I going in the confessional now?
For good reason. I'm flying 2,000 miles away to Arizona to meet Michelle and her 2 boys on February 9th. The countdown is on.

that internet thing again...
Hmmmmm.... it does seem strange doesn't it? GOD!!! I remember the second time Cass came to my house, Laura had stopped by. I remember the look of disgust on her face when I revealed we met via the net... she sneered the word INTERNET like it was the most vile thing a person could say. And, I'd heard later that she had said to friends... "...at least I'm not going to meet someone on the internet."

Like she'd stoop so low... ;^)... anyway...

...it made me laugh to hear she had said that, but, I was far from surprised. Besides, I understood the creepy-crawlies people associated with the concept. Hell... I've already admitted that I even had and have my own. Preconceived notions may be prejudicial but they often run very deep.

Nevertheless...
When Michelle and I first corresponded in 1998, I felt there was something different about her. I can't actually explain it, but... she stood out. I liked her immediately and we exchanged a virtual torrent of letters talking about everything from the mundane to the complexities of life. When I stopped writing in early 1999, I had a computer crash and lost all of my e-mail addresses - oddly enough... at work AND at home within days of each other.

I thought I had printed and saved some of the letters Michelle and I had exchanged. I thought I had them in a file at home... still... I haven't found them to this day. I didn't have her phone number, address or know of any other way to contact her. I did know her last name - which is uncommon - but, her number wasn't listed in any of the telephone searches I did. I also knew the name of her ISP, but, wouldn't you know it... she wasn't listed in the directory there either.

Initially... my hope was that she would write me... but, as fate would have it... I didn't hear from her. When I asked her about it not long ago on the phone, she laughed and told me: "I thought you dumped me..." but, the reality is that she is incredibly shy.

...anyway, shortly after I began writing again in June of 2000, I was at the office and decided to install an upgraded version of Netscape Navigator on the old computer. Lo and behold, there in my mailbox were some letters Michelle and I had exchanged. I sat there dumbfounded but elated. I had thought about her many times during the interruption... wondering how her life was going and what she was doing. I was delighted to have found her e-address and decided to write to her immediately, half expecting it to bounce back to me as undeliverable. It didn't... but, since I hadn't heard from her several days after sending it, I checked the sent file and the e-mail I sent her had the wrong address for me on it. Soooooooo.... I sent it back to her, explained what I had done and corrected the e-mail address.

Seems that she had received my initial e-mail prior to leaving on vacation, and, she had tried to write back several times but it bounced back to her as undeliverable. As soon as she returned from her vacation she received the corrected address and we began exchanging letters at an astonishing rate. We had a lot of catching up to do...
 

...damn... was I ever happy to be reunited with my long lost buddy! I had missed her during the lapse.

>>>>> insert an unexpected: WHAM-O here <<<<<  Somewhere in this exchange and reunion, things began to get deeper between us. Primarily, after we began talking on the telephone. I could feel that something profound was happening. Initially, I was completely freaked out about all of it. Part of me still is. I mean... like, slap me ‘cuz I wanna know if I dreamt this one up.

Last Friday night, Cass said: "I have the feeling that Michelle is the one you've been looking for... you know... it wouldn't surprise me if you two spent the rest of your life together." .
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OHMYGOD! Did she just say that?
Am I blushing profusely? Stammering? Pacing? Giggling?
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YES I AM
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Michelle and I haven't even been in the same room together...

...the way we met allowed us to get to know each other better than we could have if we had spent 6 months dating in virtual reality, yet... it still leaves a lot to wonder about...

... hmmmmm... rest assured ...I'll let you know if sparks fly!

Meanwhile... here's a complimentary front row ticket to the soap opera otherwise known as my macrocosm within the world.

January 17, 2001

The first time I talked to Michelle on the telephone was in August 2000. I wrote an entry regarding that phone call on August 6th  - I might have screwed up the date of this call because according to my telephone records, I actually made the call on the 5th of August. It wouldn't surprise me at all to find that I was a day ahead of myself... I'm terrible with dates as it is. I mean REALLY bad! My virtual friends could vouch for that. If I can even remember what MONTH their birthday is in then... I'm lucky. That personal defect is a strange aberration since I have a capacity to store extensive amounts of trivial information. However... it's something I have never been able to conquer. I quit wondering why. It's aggravating to me to have Alzheimer's symptoms when it comes to dates. It must be a number thing... but, you'd think if it was that I would have bounced at least one check by now. Hmmmmm... that's a mystery that may never be unraveled. What a  scatterbrained quality to have, eh?!

Therefore.... if I forget your birthday, anniversary or whatever -  don't take it personally.
Find fault in my brain function. Curse my cranium.

OK.... now back to what's on my mind... OH! Can you believe it? It's even date related...  February 9th, 2001... something which shouldn't be a surprise because not only is that the very date that my father committed suicide 4 years ago, but, it is the date I am leaving for Arizona.
 
 

I am beginning to wonder just how thoroughly berserk I'll feel in the week leading up to this. Will I even be able to sleep? Will I be able to think straight? Will I be able to do anything with a modicum of symmetry? Will I be packed and ready? Or.... will I leave a disheveled mess? WHAT WILL I WEAR? Will my palms sweat for hours in the airplane? Will I get stuck near an annoying passenger? Will I be having a good hair day? Should I bring a book? What book? WHAT COLOR SHOULD I PAINT MY NAILS? Should I bring something to write in? Should I have a drink on the plane? Should I carry my purse or pack it? Will I look exhausted? Will I make an ass out of myself and stumble walking off the plane? Will the flight arrive on time? Will I see her right away or will I have to scan the crowd for her? Will I pass out? .
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HOLYSHIT!
I'm gonna be freaking out.
You betcha.
It's inescapable.
I may as well surrender.
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Hmmmmm....
...it's ordinary behavior under extraordinary circumstances.
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. Whew! I need to think about something else...
So... enough about me - let's talk about you.... ohhhhhhh.... ummmmm.... excuse me.... I forgot where I was. Oh yeah.... my journal.... OK. Never mind.

Alright... back to earth.
OH... I know what I wanted to tell you...

...a few days ago, Cass and I were talking about these recent revelations in the journal, and, I asked her if she'd like to write something to post here. Whatever she wanted to write. After thinking about it a few minutes... she said she would.

Later the same day, I told Michelle that Cass was going to write something that I could post in the journal. Then, I asked her if she wanted to write something.... after gracefully declining, she relented and said she would, too.

January 18, 2001

OK then.... here it is..
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. The entries that follow are strictly for your voyeuristic pleasure.
Of course... this is posted with the permission of the authors. .
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Cass wrote this:

I am at a point in my life where decisions have to be made.  My only wish is that they will be the right ones.  I met the Mad Ma'am in the fall of 1999.  I am a firm believer that she was an angel sent specifically for me.  I feel so fortunate to have had an opportunity to benefit from her wisdom.  Our romantic relationship was definitely limited, but, one of the things I have learned... perhaps one of the most important things... is to keep myself open for what is intended to happen.

The Mad Ma'am (who I will refer to as MM from here on out) has recently ignited a spark that was previously lit years back.  I must admit, I did harbor a bit of the ‘ol jealousy.  I mean who wouldn't?  We break up, but... a month before another woman was in the picture!?  I just couldn't move on that quick. However, as more time passed, I had to ask myself what was I doing?  What was I accomplishing?  Not a damn thing, except frustrating myself as well as her.

She and I were definitely meant to be together.  What I was overlooking from the get go, were all the other aspects involved.  I wanted so much to be in a healthy relationship, and to feel settled down, but, I wanted everything to happen overnight.  Although MM was also sharing similar feelings, ultimately, I was rushing and forcing things to go as fast as I was used to having them go in the past.  What I should have said was, "DUH??"  All my previous relationships moved very quickly and of course, did not work out... "Get a clue Cass!"

I know now that her handiness and I were meant to be... however, had I paid attention to all of the things around me... instead of just paying attention to the feelings in my heart at the time, I would have known that she and I were meant to be as we are now-- friends.  We most definitely are on a very deep level.  What I had to realize was that I needed to make some choices.  Was I going to be co-dependent and expect others to get my needs met for me for the rest of my life?  Was I going to settle down, before I've even lived my life? What was it that I really wanted to accomplish in my life?  I got sidetracked a bit into the superficial, shallow sort of lifestyle-- drowning in my own jealousy.  Then WHAM!!

I thought to myself-- what right do I have to be jealous of another woman?  From day one, the Handyma'am and I have been completely supportive of everything each other has done.  I'm at a point in my life where I need to live-- to do things on my own, and experience life through my own eyes..no one elses.  At the same time, MM is one of the most important people in my life.  I feel deeply that she deserves all the happiness the world has to offer.  I feel like I can see into her thoughts sometimes.  I know that we still have feelings for each other, but they're different feelings.  I am no longer feeling angry, offended, or bad because she chose another woman.  For one, she did not "choose" another woman...it was suppose to happen.  I mean really-- what a wonderful and perfect thing to have happen to MM.  They have a connection... a connection that I can see.

Because I can see it, its virtually impossible for me to be anything other than positive about it.  Something pure, true and fabulous is happening to my best friend.  And now, things that she though were impossible before are transforming into great possibilities.  The same is happening to me.  So, in all of this, what have I learned?  If we keep ourselves open to any possibility and impossibility that comes our way, then how can we go wrong? If we embrace things and try to gain experiences as they come, instead of trying to plan and control things that aren't meant to be controlled-- our lives will react to that.  React positively.  I for on, am all about positive things happening in my life.

It has been so much easier for everyone involved when MM and I are on the same page.  As far as Michelle: I think she is the perfect woman for MM.  She is motivated, talented, compassionate, intelligent and probably a thousand other wonderful things.  To be quite honest, if it was any girl other than Michelle, I might not be so accepting.  Michelle has all the qualities that I know MM is looking for.  Why on earth should she not react to the feelings I already know she has?

The MM  and I both started out as friends and will remain as friends.  The whole point of life in the first place (in my opinion) is to achieve happiness--in other words--self actualization.  I know the MM is very supportive and encouraging of my goals, achievements, struggles and overall happiness-- as I am of her- therefore, I think that reacting this way--for me, anyway--is not anything out of the ordinary.  I mean, sure, everyone slips up once in a while, falling back into some jealousy, envy, and the like, but in the big picture of things...I react, live and treat others, exactly as I would like to be treated...and really....isn't that what it's all about? .
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Michelle wrote this:

The Net Thing
I must admit that I have always thought that it was very strange that anyone could fall in love with someone over the Internet.  I am surprised that it could happen to me....... NO! Not surprised.... SHOCKED!....... I thought that it was something that happened to "other people" (you know- other people as in not too bright people, really lonely people, sick people...............) It is actually kind of embarrassing to me BUT the fact is I am in love....... BIG TIME.  Here is how it happened:

The Beginning
I was surfing the net sometime in early 1998 and came across a web site called the Penpal Connection.  From there I followed a link to the Handyma'am Journal.  I began reading and ended up reading the entire journal.  I immediately felt a connection to the ma'am.  Her father had died within three weeks of my mother dying the previous year.  I totally related to the feelings that she was experiencing.  I really liked how she talked about her animals and I was interested in the fact that she lived in the country as I had always wanted to do that... it was a lifelong dream.  On top of that, I thought that she was extremely funny.  I liked her!! Sooooooooooooo, I wrote to her.  We wrote back and forth for quite a while... on a regular basis. We talked (wrote) about everything! It was great!  When she stopped writing her journal we quit writing and neither of us is sure why.  I do know that she was going through a lot in her life at the time and so was I, but I continued to think of her often and I missed the friendship that we had.

July
In early July 2000, I logged on to check my e mail and to my surprise and excitement there was a letter from the ma'am telling me that she had started writing her journal again.  I read her journal and wrote back to her.  I was so happy to hear back from her again after so much time.  We wrote back and forth for about a month getting caught up on each others lives as so much had happened in the time that we had lost contact.  I felt even more connected to her than I had before and it was really great!!! I found myself being very curious  about her, specifically about her voice, I wanted to know what she sounded like, I wanted a voice to go with the communication.  The ma'am said that we could talk on the phone but only if we had Cass' permission.  I wrote Cass, obtained the permission (in writing) and since then, we have talked for literally hundreds of hours!  (don't believe me?? you should see the phone bills!!!!!)

The Connection
I think that people that know the ma'am and I would really, really, really wonder what this is all about.  From all outward appearances we would seem like total opposites.  She is an extravert, I am quiet and shy.  She drinks Crown, I drink milk.  I listen to country music and she listens to...... hmmmmmmmm.... I don't even know what to call it.....wild stuff. She dances and I don't.  She cusses and I try and manipulate her into talking nice.  She has a disco ball and I have a ......... well, I don't have one.  BUT despite the outward appearances we have an incredible connection.  We have the same beliefs, the same morals and values and the same goals for our lives.  There are soooooooooo many things I like and love about her............ I love: her sense of humor, her ideas, her morals, the way she makes me laugh, the way I make her laugh, her creativity, the way she writes, her connection to her family, the way she views the world,  that she is responsible, her intelligence, how she likes kids............... I could go on and on...... AND over and above all that, we have a special connection that most people never experience in a lifetime.  It is very hard to explain to someone that does not understand it, but I truly feel that a higher power is involved in this, that it is beyond our control, that it is meant to be.  Our relationship makes no logical sense when you consider the fact that we live over 2000 miles from each other and that both of us are very rooted to where we are.  We both have long term jobs where we live, we have families, we are both living in the house that we thought we would spend the rest of our lives in.............  However, I still believe that we are meant to be together, somehow, someday.  It is a spiritual connection.  I can feel when there is something wrong with her.  I can feel when she is happy, sad, hurt, sick...................... even though we are sooooooooooooooo far away, she is not far at all. I feel that I have known her before and that we finally found each other.  I miss her incredibly.

Guilt
At times, I feel guilty about what has happened between the ma'am and I ......... about us falling in love................ It was nothing that was planned or that either of could in our wildest imaginations have thought of, but it did happen.  I do feel bad about Cass.  I am not the type of person that wants to love someone that is already in another relationship.  It is not the right or moral thing to do.  It is just plain wrong! However, it did happen and I would like to make a public apology to Cass for any pain that I have caused her in the process and to thank her for the kindness and understanding that she has shown the last few months and that I am sure that she will continue to show.  I hope that Cass and the ma'am will always be friends...... good friends.

The Future
I don't have any idea what the future holds BUT I do know that I can't wait for the day that the ma'am gets off the plane and we can really spend time together in 3- D.  It is the day I live for.  And, I do know that I want the ma'am to be in my life........

.......forever.

January 19, 2001

Ummmmm.... errrrrrrr....uhhhhhhh.... it's me again. I'm back and I'm blushing profusely. I had no idea what either Cass or Michelle would say... and, I guess it speaks for itself. I really do feel fortunate to know both of these remarkable women, and, to have them in my life. I am genuinely blessed. There's nothing further I can say about that, except perhaps -

January 21, 2001

Moving along.... other stuff.... a complete gear shift....360

here's proof that I think about things other than women... ;^)

Handyma'am stuff:
Can you believe I'm going to talk about actual work again?! Wellllllll.... I am. This is what I've been thinking about:

This is going to be a busy, busy summer. I've got an accumulation of anticipated projects around the house and the yard. At this point, most of these things are being planned in my mind and haven't been committed to either paper or timelines. Granted, my thoughts are in a state of flux < as they generally are > regarding upcoming work. There are options and choices to be made along the way. Once I determine what needs to be accomplished, I'll get the overall picture in my mind and go from there. Most often, I like doing several things simultaneously. That way I don't feel too bogged down, or, worse yet - utterly bored. I enjoy operating that way, and, it seems to work for me. As long as the objective is met, the method is my madness.

The biggest upcoming project: Finishing the interior of the roughed in addition. Presently, it functions as a storage area for tools and a scaffold. The original intention of the room was a master bathroom - specifically... a room built to install a whirlpool tub. Now... I'm not so sure. I'm thinking of transforming it into a bedroom instead. Of course, I would run the wiring necessary for the tub and water heater should I want to convert it at a later date. Why? Because technically speaking, right now - the house has 1 bedroom. The existing bedroom doesn't count because it has no egress. Egress meaning window. Window meaning escape in the event of an emergency. According to the building code, bedrooms must have an egress of a specific dimension. The addition was added where the window was. That window area will become a passageway. Removing that window will fall at the tail-end of the project. In the meantime it will keep the dust and mess down in the house.

By making the room into a bedroom, the cost of finishing will be cut back considerably < since bathrooms and kitchens are the most expensive rooms in a house >. I can handle this without getting into a financial black hole. Mentally... this makes me feel better already.

Regardless, it's still a lot of work. I have electrical work to do first, including the addition of another sub-panel. I'll have to figure out what wiring to run in the event this room will become a bathroom and provide access boxes. Once the electrical is completed, the room will have to be insulated. The ceiling is a cathedral one with exposed beams that will be faced off in pine. On the cathedral ceiling, you have to provide a space so that air flows from the ridge to the soffit, behind the insulation. After the insulation is completed, then... it's the drywall stage. Then I will remove the window and expand the passageway. After finishing the drywall and painting it... it'll be flooring and finally trim.

It's enough work to keep me busy for the next year and then some.

I also have painting to do in the house before finishing trim. Drywall repairs need to be made in the kitchen which also needs repainting. The kitchen light fixtures are hitting the curb, too < actually they will most likely be saved for a rummage sale > . I have plenty to do both in and out of the house. Lots of boards to router, plane, polyurethane and cut for trim. That will be an ongoing theme this summer.

I am also purging things and putting things in order. This is long overdue. When you stay in one place any amount of time, you tend to accumulate a lot of stuff. I look around and wonder where half of this shit came from and I realize that it was a gradual accrual. If I want a simpler life, I have to work at uncomplicating it. I have to break this habit I have of keeping everything. After awhile, it begins to look like a hideous stockpile. I mean... I have to MAKE myself look at stuff and say, "what do you need this for...?" The unfortunate consequence to this scenario is that I can generally answer that question... ;^)... you know... I might need it someday. I might want it someday. This could be tough... but... I need to get going on it. It's been bothering me for what seems like ever. Of course, another trick is limiting what I'm dragging home.

Today I feel good because yesterday I purged some clothes to take to the Salvation Army, and, I threw out a garbage bag full of papers and miscellaneous junk. There's also a pile of stuff I'm giving to Cass for her new place. Gee... and this was all upstairs - without touching the kneewall storage areas. That nightmare will be saved for another day.

It's convenient that Cass can use quite a bit of stuff to furnish the apartment with. That way I can get those things out of here fast, and, she doesn't have to go out and buy everything she needs. As far as I am concerned, it's better if it's gone rather than sitting in a pile somewhere around here. Knowing me I'd be picking stuff out of the pile later - stuff I'd want to keep. I'd rather not be tempted. I know me all too well.

The largest mess I have to organize here at the compound is my damn garage. OHMYGOD! You should see what a predicament THAT is. Piles of stuff... hundreds and hundreds of dollars in lumber... an old 1970 280SE Mercedes... bags of cement... big floor tools... lawnmowers... an old Schwinn... lawn chairs... bottles... plumbing stuff... electrical stuff... a rototiller... 4 ladders... shovels... hoes... rakes... rope... car parts... oil... anti-freeze... fencing... empty boxes... lawn chemicals... mole traps... tarps... rolls of insulation... extension cords... an 8 x 8 foot metal sign that came off the side of a diary that was torn down in the town I grew up in... Christmas decorations... leftover ceramic tile... a pile of wood off an old barn... Dad's old compressor and his beat up rolling toolbox... clay pots... fertilizer... and, I'm afraid that's not all. That alone could be a month long job.

It's a battle doing all of these things and trying to maintain the usual chores around a house and yard. Top it off with working full time and trying to fit in a little fun and a few breaks here and there. And, of course, now I also have the two new puppies that need plenty of attention as well. My work is cut out for me.

Hell... I'm tired simply thinking about what is ahead of me.

It's not a wonder why I drink Crown.

January 23, 2001

this creation has noted its evolution
It was recently pointed out to me that this journal has evolved from its beginning in 1998.

After thinking about it, I suppose that is true. I mean it must have changed. I've been told that I talk more about my feelings now. Hmmmm... that's probably true. It must be. 2 different people have pointed that out to me out of the blue. But - isn't life that way? Don't we all develop as time goes on? When you look back, can't you see subtle changes in yourself? When you look back even further don't you see obvious changes? I think that most people would. You'd have to be in one a bunker of a rut not to have changed.

I have to take it personal because it is
When I started this journal I didn't realize how personal it would eventually become. I had no plan for that to happen. Yet, happen it did. The name given to this journal basically sums up what I thought I would be relaying. Renovating this house was such a huge part of my life. At the time I began writing, the house seemed to overshadow everything else. It was my life. It was as if I was abducted by my house.

The multi-purpose restriction conviction
Yet, it doesn't take a nuclear physicist to see that my life encompasses much more than construction projects. Since life is inherently multi-faceted, it didn't take long to realize that in order to write honestly about my life, I'd have to reveal more about myself and the people around me. That's not always a simple task. There are times when you have constraints or limitations due to other people's feelings and boundaries. Then, you have your own boundaries because... there are some things that, well... ummm... you know you'll never be writing about because you wouldn't. Not to any level of depth or the details leading up to it.

don't ask - don't tell
I would never write about intimacy. There are plenty of other websites that have that kind of stuff. If you wanna read and look at pictures of what could be your neighbor... naked and/or involved in various sex acts for film... go right ahead! Really though, all kidding aside:... what makes intimacy intimate? Blabbing about it? Publishing it? Do what ya gotta do, but - to me, that would breach my ethics. If I have a intimate relationship with another person, it's personal and private. That's what makes it significant and intimate. That's something I've always felt considerably passionate about. Yes... it's true. Even though I've always felt like a lenient and liberal person politically and personally... still... I do have certain areas in which I personally remain conscientiously unswayed. At my foundation there are things that are there. They don't go away. The convictions on which I stand are my core beliefs. The base point of operation. On the other hand, I won't tell you what to believe or what to do anymore than I will tell you how you should feel. You've got your life to live. Live it, baby! Unless you step on my boundaries, I have little, if anything, to say about it. That ‘ol....  live and let live theory.

embrace affinity
Life does envelop a myriad of choices that we make which parallel the unforseen happenings contained in the circumstances of living. We each have to do it our way. What works for me may not work for you. You might not be able to learn a single thing from my experiences or my mistakes... but, you might know yourself better by knowing me or by knowing my story. The human condition has similarities across the board. Like a pox.

the concept of shit happens
You can never tell where life will take you. It doesn't even matter if you have plans for your life. Plans are only ideas until they manifest. A thought before an action. Along the way in the journey of life... so many things can happen to change you, and... to change your course. Some, well.... some you never see coming. They just hit you upside the head. These things don't take into account your ideas of how the world should be. How you deal with it is what matters.

the dead zone
The reoccurring theme of death in this journal was, at times, difficult for me to write about. The fact that 3 of the 4 were suicides... well... that added complications to the process. If they would have been accidents, of course, it would have been one hell of a shock... but, the route to acceptance and closure... it would have been a different road. If they had been sick or had a terminal illness... well... we might have had a chance to say goodbye, or, feel like we did. That closure thing again. But.... instead, we're left with questions that we will never have answers for. It is what it is. Whatever you think about it or how you feel... it doesn't change it. It's there somewhere. It's always there. You can't make it go away.

turn and face the strange changes
Life changes and we change. I've already been through many things that I couldn't have anticipated. I wasn't always sure that going through them made me stronger. In some ways, at the time - they seemed to make me feel weaker and much more vulnerable. I'm still not certain that I am stronger for the endurance of these life changing events. Seemingly... I'm getting through it, but, I am still dragging remnants around with me. It's not like I don't notice it. Some things have very profound effects. Some things are impossible to shake off entirely. Some become a part of you. Damn. There's another part of life that sucks. But... you can't let it get you down. You can't let it drag you down. You have to endure. And... it's a constant battle... it's one that I fight on a continuum. You keep your head up. Keep it up even when it's heavy. Keep it up when you feel like you have the weight of the world on you. You have to keep it up in case you miss something good. It's out there. But... you won't find it if you aren't looking.

keep on truckin' baby
I keep moving in search of blessings. I don't want to be bitter about my battles. I don't want to feel sorry for myself and feel like the world is somehow against me. I don't want negativity to drain me and everyone I come in contact with. But, I can see why so many people fall into that trap.

a universal thing
There have always been cataclysms in the universe, and in a way, my life isn't much different. I am always subject to a vast array of things that could go wrong at any time. As I learn more about myself, I learn more about other people. More things are bound to happen that'll knock what I thought I knew out of my hands. .
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Expect the unexpected.
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January 29, 2001

OK.... so I haven't been writing. I have been thinking about it though... does the thought count?

If the truth be known... I have been busy away from the keyboard. I've been reorganizing the house - specifically the kitchen. I didn't realize how much had accumulated behind closed doors. Yet, it was apparent upon inspection that it was a project that was long overdue.Nothing new there.

You may already know that part of the reason for doing this now is because Cass is getting ready to move out, and, she can use donated things at her new place... the other part is strictly based on nervous energy.

OHMYGOD!!!!!! I'm not even close to being ready to leave... yet, here I am cleaning out cupboards and drawers like I'm feeding a obsessive compulsive disorder. Meanwhile, I've got packing to think about, a huge pile of e-mail to answer < sorry! > and a virtual shitload of other things I should or could be doing.

Clearly...I am having a problem focusing!

If you don't hear from me right away it isn't like I don't have a reason - or - an excuse.... hmmmmm... I guess that depends on how you look at it. It could be either. Don't worry... I'll get to it.

But it is true... I am beginning to freak out.

----- a knock at the door ----a sudden interruption:
The tax man cometh. I just had a visit from the township tax assessor. He wanted to know if the addition was finished. No, it isn't... but - he needed proof. He needed to see it. If I wouldn't have let him see it, my taxes would have been assessed as if it was. I found that out when I asked if I had to let him in. Today, all you had to do is mention taxes/assessment and I'm an instant bitch. Then... I get talking with the nondescript bearded guy with the clipboard and noticed that he talked nearly as fast as an auctioneer. Once I got past what he represented, I realized he was simply another guy trying to do a job. He assesses 3 townships in the county to make a living. He encounters many a bitch and a bastard along the way... by the time he left I was smiling not only because he had become human, but, because the assessment won't change this year since the room is unfinished. Still... I've been warned - he'll be back next year about this time. AND... according to him, it doesn't matter if the addition is finished as a bedroom or a bathroom... the assessment will be the same.

Whatever... as a homeowner, you can't escape taxes. But... the poor guy happened to come over on the exact day that I was trying to figure out finances regarding the current property taxes that are due! I have to pay them before I leave on the 9th of February. Talk about timing, eh? ;^)

ANYWAY... back to the rest of my life...

I took the bullies, Tasha and Booda, on a long walk this morning. As I watched them running in the snow, I realized that I'll really miss them while I am gone. These dogs have grown on me quickly. I love watching them play together, and, I'm very glad that I have both of them instead of one. They are great company for each other when I'm not around. That equals less guilt for me... of course... I'm all for that. Anything that alleviates that is a good thing.

I can't wait for nicer weather. I'm looking forward to having the dogs out at night around a big ass bonfire when the weather breaks. Although... I am not looking forward to trying to keep the dogs out of the flower beds - or, the garden for that matter. Hell... I might not even plant a garden this year... I'm not sure. If I do, I'll probably have to fence it in.

Right now, I really don't know what in the hell I'm doing. I have all I can do to concentrate on anything other than my upcoming trip. Basically... I can't concentrate at all... my thoughts are scattered all over the place... and, welllllll... you know... that can be a very messy thing.

January 31, 2001

Alright... I put in another    l   o   n   g     10 hour day at the office.  Winter days sometimes drag on and on and on. But... finally... I am home.

The washing machine and the dryer are running. The dogs want my attention, and... here I am reporting from the control center... commonly known as the computer keyboard. I'll get to the dogs in a bit.

I was bad and stopped at the store on the way home from work. Not that stopping at the store is inherently bad - but, buying beer during the week is. I brazenly purchased it despite the stigma. I now have a cold glass of beer sitting to my left. Nice white froth on it, too. In a frosty mason jar that I chilled in the freezer.

The fact that I am drinking beer during the week is Cass' fault. Not that she made me - she didn't, or.... not that she's even here - she isn't. BUT... last night she went out drinking beer with the boys after work and didn't slide home until about 4 in the morning. She was basically incoherent when I left this morning and didn't remember my talking to her, or, the gibberish laden replies that she spewed... the actual details were filled in during a phone conversation while I was at the office. She was too tired to get up to get the phone and take a teaching sub job this morning. Probably a good thing since she still reeked of stale ale this a.m.

Gee... now I'm wondering if this beer thing is a good idea. Hmmmmmm.... wellllll... it is. The idea of beer sounded good... the details of the morning didn't change that idea lodged firmly in my head. I purchased my fix.

Beer isn't something I drink much of in the winter. In the summer it's great after dark and around a big bonfire... or, after working my ass off on a project most of the day. But, tonight... after a gray day... beer is tonic and fodder for my fixation. It tastes pretty good and... this 40 ought to do it - that is: ounces. Maybe I'll sleep better tonight.

It's officially 9 days and counting down...

I know what I need! I need hot peppers! Hot peppers and beer... YES! Now if that sounds like an explosion in the making - well, it certainly doesn't to me. I can't say enough about my love of fiery food... except maybe... mmmm mmmm good!!!

Aha! And... I just happen to have a jar of jalapenos in the fridge. Wooohooo! Lucking fucking me! I feel like I won the lottery finding them there. My mouth waters at the thought.

Postscript: I drank not even half of the beer after all that fanfare. The rest was emptied down the drain. The hot peppers were good... but the whole idea of beer fizzled.

Maybe I'm becoming a wimp.

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