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January 7, 2002

The trip that wasn't a vacation....
or, the vacation that was a complete trip.

Which was it? I'll give you the details and you can decide.

Get a cup of coffee, a glass of milk, a soda, a shot of whiskey < or the entire bottle >... maybe snacks even. This is gonna be a long one. Probably the longest single entry I have written. I'm back and have plenty to report, despite feeling as if whatever I write might not adequately depict the panorama in vivid colors.

1 - 2 - 3 ..... we're off.
The trip with my Aunt began on Christmas day at 4 in the afternoon when Mom and Dave picked me up from my house in their van. I had been to their house earlier in the day for our Christmas celebration. I drove home a little over an hour earlier to ready myself, the house and the luggage for the anticipated trip. They drove us to the airport where we caught the first plane after waiting over an hour and a half to depart. The second leg of the journey had us waiting for nearly 3 hours. By the time we would arrive, it would be 2 a.m EST, midnight at Phoenix. It will be a relief to get there.

Now, why would I say "relief?"
Alright.... *whew* ....< insert an extremely deep breath here and proceed > ....while I love my Aunt, she quickly began to drive me crazy from the moment we left. Every time she spoke to me she preceded with a slap, a punch or a poke on my upper right arm. EVERY time. Could I read anything on the plane? NO. Could I sit there quietly with my thoughts? NO. Could she remember what time we would arrive, what time either of the planes we were on left? NO. Could I shut my eyes at all? NO. Would she shut up? NO. The arm slapping, punching and poking thing became more annoying with each tick of the clock. A few times I said, "hey!" and grabbed the targeted spot on my right arm with my left. Did she get it? Did she stop? NO. There was a part of me that thought.... well, she's always been a "touchy" person... so WHATEVER... I'll only have to put up with this for < insert time in span of 10 hours here >.

Knowing I would finally see M and the boys again was a diversion from her literal prodding, even if it was only for seconds at a time. And, there were times after I recognized the pattern in her jabbing and babbling in which I could feel myself wanting to laugh. Not that it was that funny in the HA HA HA sense, but... because it was so absurd. Like some comedy sketch. Or, Candid Camera. But, I knew that it wasn't. But, too bad for that. I would have been more than happy to have been told I was on "Candid Camera"....even IF they caught that unfunny look on my face. I would have been more than happy to sign that broadcast disclaimer. Hell.... I may as well admit it.... if it was "Cops" and they stormed the place to arrest her, after even 3 hours of her torturous nudging.... there were moments when I would have been just as happy.

Help me! And to think, I was looking so forward to this trip with her. BUT.... it'll all be OK. It really will. She'll be spending much of her time with her old friend Johnny and M and the boys and I will be able to just hang out together. We'll be able to do whatever we want, which is... mainly, staying home and being together.

Warning: that big bang you just heard came from my GEAR SWITCHING....
Let me describe my Aunt. And, let me again reiterate that I really do love her. I do. She's family you know... the ones you put up with. I've known her for the whole of my life. Of course, there is no choice involved. I won't think about THAT any further.... move along.

Hmmmm.... I'll try to paint you a mental picture: OK.... physically, she used to be tall. I say "used to" because she now has osteoporosis and she has shrunk from her heyday of 5' 11" to about 5' 7" or 8". She is thin and still looks rather lanky despite the shrinkage. She is as wrinkly as a thin-skinned albino raisin. Blue eyes, set deep in her wrinkled head, further accentuated by mascara. She has spindly hands with bony fingers. Short thinning silver gray hair that I discovered < via her vacation confession > that she cuts herself. As a beauty school drop out, she took what she knew and put it to use. I suppose that explains why it always looks the same - like a tight fitting wig that rode far too many roller coasters. She walks with great strides because she's just about all legs. The osteoporosis has given her the ol' upper hump back appearance. Getting that mental picture yet?

Alright then.... on top of that, add this: Emotionally she is a high strung as high strung gets. Fidgety. Nervous yet emotionally wrung out. She is caring and compassionate, although it's sometimes to the point of being smothering. Her spindly hands are rarely still while she speaks, at times.... they appear to be orchestrating her conversation. She doesn't quite know what to do with herself now that she is alone. She continually frets: ....what if your Mom and Dave don't pick us up from the airport? ....what if I can't reach Johnny when we get there? < and on and on > She can't make a decision: ....should I wear this? ....do you think I should < insert anything here >? She continually solicits the opinions of others. She doesn't trust her own judgement. She worries out loud. She gets right in your space. She doesn't know what to do. And... she perpetually says she's sorry.... except for the arm bashing, I do believe she apologized for everything.

OHMYGOD!!!!! Let me reach my destination!!!!! Get me away from this human wind-up smacking machine.... I couldn't get there soon enough. Trust me. And, I know that you would have felt the very same way.

There they are... it's M and the boys!!! Wooooooooo Hoooooooo!!! Hey!!! FINALLY. What a relief. We exchange big hugs and toothy grins and head for the baggage carousel. It felt good to be up and walking... it felt better because I could see them. But, it was late and everyone was tired - it would be better to suppress the 3rd wind I felt coming on. Tomorrow... or, I mean... later today would feel like a new day.

At the point of arrival, how would I have known that this was only the beginning?

Wow.It was sooooooooooo nice to be there with them! I was floating on that... taking in every moment when I first opened my eyes and saw her next to me. What glory.

Soon the kids were up and dragged us out because they were dying to open presents. More presents. Another Christmas! Their excited faces lit up the room. M reigned them in and we all took turns. Otherwise they would have opened everything in seconds.

Damn! The things they got me! Wow. I couldn't believe how many presents were there. Sheesh. I hadn't expected that. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. Instead I smiled, afterall it was early. But, she bought waaaaay too much! I got books... signs... European seltzer bottles... a hemp skychair with a footrest... perfume... a ring < a repro medieval posey ring >... OHMY! And much more!!!!!! But, the best gift I got was in being there with them. That truly would have been enough. But... M clearly went all out to make this a memorable Christmas. What a woman.

And, my Aunt had more presents then she'd ever had. The smile on her face matched that of the kids. My uncle never bought her anything for Christmas, and, her remaining son doesn't celebrate Christmas since he is a Jehovah.

On Christmas day, before we had arrived, my Aunt's friend Johnny had called and talked to M. He told her that he didn't have automobile insurance. Apparently, the man who pays his bills overlooked it. He thought it could be taken care of quickly after Christmas. Alright. No problem. That was OK because we could always take her over to where he lives whenever they wanted to get together. He wasn't that far away. Less than 10 miles.

On the 26th, Johnny called and talked to my Aunt. He told her that his plumbing overflowed and flooded his fourth floor apartment. Bummer. We offered to pick him up but, he said he couldn't leave because he was waiting for the people to come and fix it. He didn't want to leave and, he didn't know when the repairs would be done. But... wasn't that unsanitary? Shouldn't you sleep somewhere else? We can get you later and you can stay here... NO... that's OK he said. He was sleeping on a cot in a different room. Alright then. Everything should be back together come tomorrow. And, tomorrow we had planned a big turkey dinner and you can bet he wouldn't miss that.

On the 27th, we began preparing the turkey feast at breakfast. We stuffed the bird and had it in the oven shortly before noon. My Aunt flitted around the house not quite knowing what to do with herself. She was anticipating seeing Johnny, her friend of 50 years. We were all looking forward to dinner and seeing Johnny, too.

About an hour after he was supposed to arrive, Johnny called and said he was in an accident. Are you OK? Are you hurt? Well... he was calling from home but said he was going to drive to the hospital to get checked out. He was rear-ended in a multiple car accident and the pecan pie he had was ruined in the accident. That was OK... as long as he was OK. But, he thought he'd better go to the hospital because his neck hurt and he might have whiplash. Alright.... so, he'll come over after that. Hours elapse. Where's Johnny? The next call was that he was back home and was going out to get aspirin and wouldn't make it because it was getting late. He was going to rest. Tomorrow was another day. And so it was.

December 28th, we drove my Aunt to Johnny's apartment to drop her off for the afternoon, and, to meet Johnny. He lived in a senior citizen high-rise place. It was pink stucco and stood out in the cityscape like a big flamingo. All of us exited the vehicle and followed my Aunt into the lobby of the building. Elegant place. Wow. More sophisticated than the squared pink exterior would lead you to believe. Johnny was sitting on a couch right around the corner once we got inside.

Huh? I'd seen Johnny before. The last time I saw him was about 5 years ago. But.... who in the hell was this? The guy sitting on the couch before us was completely disheveled. What in the world...? He looked like a vagrant despite the fact that he had a box with a brand new cell phone in it. He quickly explained that it was a gift from his millionaire friend and that he didn't know how to use it. As he shoved it back into the box, he quickly stood up to greet us. He had on baggy jeans and a big open jean shirt over the top of a black T-shirt. The black T-shirt looked as if it was covered with food splash. Like food that dripped off your chin or something. What the...? I certainly didn't recognize him. He didn't have his dentures in. He wasn't wearing socks and he looked filthy. He looked like he didn't belong in the place. He wasn't the Johnny I remembered, although the dirty old toothless man was quite congenial to all of us.

Holy shit! What happened to the guy? Hmmmm... I dunno but I was shocked. We left my Aunt there and went shopping. She would call us on M's cell phone when she was ready to be picked up. Damn. All I could do was shake my head.

A few hours later we got the phone call. She was ready to be picked up and we were standing in line with the boys at a nearby Target store. OK. We'll be there in a few minutes. And, so we were.

My Aunt couldn't get over how he'd changed. They walked to a restaurant and had some soup and visited. He said he was in pain from the whiplash but, he showed no sign of it that anyone could tell. In fact, he seemed to be moving and turning his head like nothing happened. He didn't take my Aunt up to his apartment. In fact, he refused to let her see it even after she asked. Weird. But... if his truck was any indication, we could imagine why. It appeared to be a fairly new truck, but... it was littered with a variety of things and plain old trash. It looked as if someone was living in it. The truck bed was full of so much junk that you couldn't use the rear view mirror if you wanted to. The topper with tinted windows hid the trashed state somewhat, but when you walked near it you could see what an absolute mess it was. My Aunt didn't know what to think of it. She couldn't believe how he looked or that he wouldn't let her into his apartment. Plus, although none of us noticed it.... she said he stunk to high heaven.

On December 29th, Johnny drove over to M's in the afternoon. He must have cleaned up because he didn't reek. He opened his presents, a card with 100 bucks in it from my Aunt and a mini lava lamp from us. He had brown hair dye running down one side of his face < which at first, looked like dried blood to me... until he mentioned putting hair dye on >. His pants weren't zipped < thankfully his gut covered his personal bits as he sat on the couch > and again, he went without socks and teeth. After a short visit, he needed to take a nap - which he did < in the bedroom my Aunt slept in > and then we had pizza delivered. Somehow, to my amazement and amusement... he managed to eat several pieces of pizza without teeth. THEN.... my Aunt insisted that we go to Phoenix Zoolights that evening. We had told her that we'd prefer to go during a week night instead of a weekend, but... they wanted to go anyway. And Johnny had said he'd always wanted to go. SHIT!!!! The crowds would be even worse that weekend due to the Fiesta Bowl... but, < of course > we succombed. As predicted, the traffic was heavy and the Zoo parking lot was packed.

But wait... the best is yet to come... after we dropped my Aunt and Johnny off at the entrance curb, we parked and walked up to them. It took us a while to get to them because we had to park a distance away. When we walked up I could see my Aunt craning her neck to find us. She was looking panicked as if she was about to be abandoned... OHMYGOD... now Johnny informs us that we'll have to rent a wheelchair because he can't walk. HUH??? Like shouldn't he have mentioned this before? It was a manual wheelchair and somebody < my Aunt couldn't... > had to wheel him around. Up and down the hills in the park. Who was that task left to? Of course, M and me. We pushed his 250 pound < at a minimum > ass around in a wheelchair. What fun! We must have walked/pushed several miles by the time it was said and done. It's slightly funnier today than it was then. There wasn't any reason he couldn't have walked aside from pure laziness. My Aunt kept apologizing about it. But then.... forget that.... she apologized for everything.

M and I weren't too happy about the wheelchair thing. And, we found that the only time we had to ourselves was when everyone was in bed. The stress of everything was wearing us both thin. We weren't having the time together that we wanted. But, that would change because Johnny was coming to get my Aunt tomorrow. We held onto hope.

On December 30th, Johnny picked her up in the afternoon. We ended up having a few hours together that afternoon. After my Aunt returned to the house, she was completely frazzled. You could tell something was wrong right away. What now? Well.... it's like this: Johnny took her out and sprang for them to see a dollar movie. Then, he took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town where they ordered the cheapest item on the menu. The total bill was 7.89 and he gave the waitress 10 bucks and yelled at her for not bringing his change back. He left a dollar tip after my Aunt pressed him on the issue. She said she was mortified by his public behavior. Then, he whips into Wendy's after they left the place and gets a frosty for dessert. He insisted on eating it, spoon in hand - frosty in the other... while he drove down the highway hogging two lanes and going over the speed limit. My Aunt must have been having a fit because she said that she told him, "I'm gonna get out and walk because of your driving." He then made some snippy comment back at her about backseat drivers... something she didn't like at all. So.... she told him not to come over on New Year's Eve when he dropped her off.

On December 31st, Johnny showed up while we were all taking an afternoon nap and woke us up. We didn't see him but he gave my Aunt some strange rambling cards to give us... and, he left some weird dessert made with dates rolled in powdered sugar. YUCK. Since he said he made them himself, we threw them away. Maybe we should have cultured them first. No telling what would grow in petri dishes from that.

Happy New Year !
On January 1st, Johnny called to say he was sick and that he would be sick the rest of the time. He said there was no need to call him anymore.

On January 2nd, he called to say that he was very sick. He coughed for 2 hours until < his words > his throat was like hamburger. Now he declared he had laryngitis.... while oddly sounding completely normal. Then, he said he drank so much cough syrup that he said he got drunk.

Later that day, at an unknown time while we were all home, he came over and slipped more strange rambling cards/letters in the mailbox. Freakin' weirdo. What the hell is his problem? Later that evening, he called to say he was fine. He said he had been to see a Doctor but he was very contagious and wouldn't be able to see us anymore. Contagious with what? He didn't say. But, when asked if he wanted to talk to my Aunt, he then said he was waaaaaaaaaaaay too sick and needed to get right to bed and that he would be turning off his phone. OK... so by now, we knew he WAS sick and we believed it. But, we doubted that his malady was contagious. And, it didn't rub off either.

On January 3rd he called at dinner and hung up the phone when M answered. That wasn't the first time that happened. In fact, one day earlier in the week it happened about half a dozen times. Too fucking strange wouldn't you say? Later that evening, he called again to say that he bought vitamins and was feeling much better < whatthefuckever >.

In the days that followed... he called each day to say goodbye.

Obviously, by now.... we knew this guy had slipped into an oblivion even we didn't understand. And, we knew we didn't want to try either. He looks like he's all downhill from here.

Goodbye Johnny... and don't you dare come back after we are gone. Don't you dare.

MYGOD. We waited all this time to be together. We hardly spent any time alone. We were left trying to entertain my Aunt. Placate may be a better word than entertain... we ended up doing things we didn't want to do... like running the roads practically every damn day. It pissed me off. It made me cry. But, how could we have envisioned this? We couldn't have.

Even after I spent days telling my Aunt REPEATEDLY REPEATEDLY that I promised the kids that we'd stay home on Friday and it would be their day.... my Aunt needled M behind my back on Friday with, "...can't we just go out to lunch? Wouldn't the kids like to go to McDonalds?" And to top it off, she moped around with a very obvious long face... < this is only one of many long faces she made during the stay >... even AFTER M repeated that I promised the kids we'd stay home. I mean, she didn't get it. She just didn't get it. It really pissed me off to discover what she was doing... but - - S U R P R I S E - - I didn't blow up at her even though I wanted to. I really wanted to. We may as well go because I am not going to be looking at her miserable face for the rest of the day. So we did. But we did NOT go to McDonalds. The line had to be drawn somewhere. Then, after it was announced that we were going, she'd say... "well, I don't want to go if you don't want to..." Inside I'm yelling at the top of my lungs GET YOUR ASS IN THE VAN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. And... that scenario was played out several times over the stay as well. That Friday though, it particularly pissed me off because I wanted a day with them to do what WE wanted to do.... and that was just to be together.

It's funny, but my Mother had forewarned me of this. In fact, I called Mom and said, " ....she's driving us nuts! Yes Mom... you were right!" We laughed about it, even though we both knew how very unfunny it was. I could elaborate on this even more... but, by now, I think you have the gist of it. Johnny let her down, and she was distressed about that. I'm certain it hurt her to see him like this. Although, I'm certain that she had a good time because we saw to it that she did - it was a fact that it was at our own expense. But, what choice did we have? I didn't plan on missing my girlfriend while I was there, but... I did. We both did.

To top off our stressful festivities and to bring in the New Year... let's get hammered on New Year's Eve, well.... OK... not really hammered but, at least, slightly buzzed. After everything we were going through, that was my mental plan. We bought stuff for Pina Colada's and Strawberry Daiquiri's. We combined them and made some slush we put in the freezer. Unfortunately, I discovered acid reflux due to all of the stress. For the life of me, I could NOT get enough of the stuff down to feel much at all. That pissed me off, too... ;^)

So... I'm back home and I'm right back to missing them. While I felt we got cheated on our vacation, or, on our version of what we thought it would be... in the scheme of life, it was but a few days. OK... well... 10 days. OK... 10 days that seemed like forever with my Aunt.

One thing that came out of this though was that we know we won't be getting a house big enough to take in my Aunt. NO DAMN WAY! Small doses are fine... visits are fine... telephone calls are fine... in the scheme of things this was a good lesson. I'll take the 10 days of "living" with my Aunt over an indefinite number. Any day. Like my Mom said, "God works in mysterious ways." Yep. Thanks God. Thanks for sending us such a clear message.

There you have it.... now on to my mixed emotions.... on one hand, I feel a little guilty for being so irritated by my Aunt.... on another, I feel sorry for her. She's gone through so much in such a short time. Over the course of a few years she battled breast cancer, lost a son to suicide and buried her husband. While I had seen her as an incredibly strong woman, I now see her in a different light. The strength might be there in flashes... but, it isn't the main ingredient. It's more of a facade than anything. I didn't realize how miserable she is being alone.... I didn't see her negativity.... I didn't see her a such a victim of herself.... NO.... I didn't realize she was such a martyr, but - she is. She has been. She may be a survivor of many things, but.... she remains in the victim mode. While I can certainly appreciate God cluing me in on the living together thing... it feels weird to me to have seen this flip side of her. It's like I accidentally saw her naked or something. It's strange to see someone I have known my entire life in such a different light.

Some day we will look back at this and laugh. But, I'm afraid that's a long way off.

January 10, 2002

Here I am. After surviving the third day back to work in two weeks. You know how awful THAT is. Today should be Friday. Why can't I have my way?

It wasn't until Tuesday morning that I felt entirely stress free. The lingering effects of the vacation experience was real - even though the vacation itself was unreal.

Anyway... here I am feeling happy today because I made reservations to go see M and the kids in March for a week!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!! < NO.... I'm not inviting my Aunt or visiting Johnny while I am there >

In the interim....it's get back to work for me. Looks like this weekend will have me finishing up the wiring in the addition. Plus doing some odds and ends.

On Saturday, I'll also be making a trip to my Aunt's place. Believe it or not, I went over there Monday afternoon for about an hour and fifteen minutes. There were some things she wanted me to look at, and some things I wanted to check out. She was incredibly calm compared to the trip. That was a relief. A huge relief! She was busy with the probate mess my dead uncle left her. The bastard really screwed her over big time. He left so many debts that she's bound to lose the house. She won't have much left, if anything, even if she sold all of his possessions. It won't cover the debt. It would almost be better if she sold everything that he DIDN'T owe money on, and walk away and let the rest go into foreclosure.

So, it looks like I'm going to buy a few things from her so she can put a few bucks in her pocket. What? Oh.... a rolling tool chest from the garage. It's currently full of tools. After she found a ring full of keys, I spent at least 10 minutes trying to find the one that would open the lock. Once I found it, I couldn't believe the duplicate items he had in it. It's like he had a damn compulsion to buy stuff he didn't even need. A sickness. I mean, who needs 25 screwdrivers that are the same? It was weird. She wanted me to "take whatever I wanted" and, well... that didn't feel right to me. I didn't want her to give stuff away. Enough people are taking advantage of her and I didn't want to be one of them. I'll buy what I want. And, I don't want much. I have my own tools and, whatever I don't have I'll get - if I need it. Material things are easy to get. If you really want something.... you just save up the money. The material goods goal trick.

I'm getting three things. The old rolling Craftsman tool chest. Believe it or not... he has 5 tool chests in the garage. My Aunt wanted me to get the newer one, but... the older one is actually built better. Besides, practically everything my uncle ever had was kept in the most meticulous fashion. It's old, but it's like new. I think I'm also going to get a fairly large old lighted beer sign and a rusty pedal car from the early 60's. Add that rusty thing to the list of projects... but... M can take some of the blame since she bought me a book about vintage pedal cars for Christmas. I'll have a project going on until the day I croak.

I'll head out to her place on Saturday with a truckload full of boxes so we can empty the tool chest. Then, maybe I'll head down the street to get a pizza and have lunch with her. At least, once I get the tool chest home... it'll further help the organization process. Although I didn't want to get one now, I had planned to buy one eventually anyway. I may as well get it from her. Especially since she can use the money.

On Sunday and Monday it's back to work on the electrical. At some point, the power will be cut off to work on a live circuit. A receptacle will be added in the middle of an existing run and the wiring will be rerouted back to an existing receptacle. Otherwise, there's another receptacle to wire for the sump in the crawlspace, and two lights to wire. The following weekend, my brother will be in town and he'll connect it to the breaker box. Waaaaaah hoooooo and on to step 2.

Looks like I'll be putting the whip to my ass to really move along from there. There's always something to do around here. How can I get bored? It would be impossible. Particularly now.

Job prospects are looking pretty damn good here for M. We are both feeling optimistic about that. During the vacation, we got her resume together. And, she just received a letter from an earlier inquiry she had made regarding jobs and it looks better than we'd imagined. They will give her full credit for her years of teaching experience and the pay scale here is better, too. It's beginning to look like all systems go.

How much time will it take for this reality to freak me out? Not long at all. Hell NO. In fact, I haven't got much sleep this week. Yesterday I woke up at 4 a.m. and my mind was reeling... there is so much to do. I am waaaaaaaaaay ahead of myself in my thoughts. I'm even thinking about what M has to do.

I need to quit thinking and get to work. Yet, I can't help it. I have at least, a hundred lists in my head. If I start writing those thoughts down now... I won't sleep tonight. We can't have that. I have a busy day tomorrow at the office and weekend in that could prove to be very productive. That is, providing nothing unexpected comes up. HA! And, that's where it gets me every damn time.

Seems like since I've been writing here, it's always something. The proof of that is right here in this journal. A journal that will be 4 years old on January 21st.

I'm not sure I should celebrate that... and, if I did... I'm not sure how.

January 12th, 2002

those random thoughts have been running...

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Why aren't basic auto parts made universal? Universal joints aren't even universal. Why not make only 10 different types of mufflers, etc. Why is my dog staring at me? Why are people building all of these new homes on tree-bald lots? Oh shit... my property taxes are due in a few weeks. What is the ratio of population influx to infrastructure collapse? What in the hell is wrong with some people? Is there a gene responsible for this ? I can't wait to see the painted desert and the petrified forest. Get additional keys made for the main entrance door. I need caffeine. You probably don't like rodents, but.... why would you ever want to do this? Do I have any milk? I'd better start making a grocery list. I wonder if any of that surface rust can be safely removed from that old pedal car? Do not fold. Hmmmm.... now what will it cost to get that mystery coolant leak on the Eclipse? At least I don't have to think about that again until winter says goodbye. Caution: contents under pressure. Is Tasha's collar too tight? Read the instructions. Am I forgetting something? Did I lock that door? It's pretty cool how bees and ants work together like they do. Do I need a new wiper blade on the truck? Don't forget to fix that window squirter thing on the driver's side. I'm tired of seeing it dribble. Corn on the cob is out of season. Are there mice in the barn? Will they climb up in my engine and make a nest? I noticed some cob webs upon my return. Where are the spiders hiding? How sharp is that last saw blade? Make cappuccino. Where are the needle nose pliers? How much insulation do I need? Are there enough staples? Shred those old papers that are piling up. Is the shredder in the garage? Buy some Crown. Take Tasha for a ride soon. Too bad you can't make her go in and buy the Crown. Wash some clothes this weekend. Wipe the walls down upstairs and mop the floor.. the drywall dust has completely settled. Get rid of those old clothes you don't wear. Try to fix that old wind-up clock. Buy new blinds for upstairs. Reorganize the garage. Pretend this isn't happening. Get everything away from the walls in the back right section. Move all of the hand tools, ladders and rakes. Pick up those dog bones Tasha has strewn around outside. Fill in some of the holes she has dug in the kennel. Thank God for winter: no yard work. I don't really like winter. I get through winter. I like winter best out the window. Except for the car window. Assess the contents of the cupboards. Regroup. Get wiring. Get those temporary lights wired. Clean out the freezer. Wash your dress coat. Think about buying a new one. Pay bills. At this very moment I realize that I've never counted sheep. Stop doing that. Look for something to sell. Stop buying stuff. Dream. Look on the bright side. Put off thoughts of the Jeep. Imagine the garden I'll be working in some day. Take some ibuprofen. Throw away those old vitamins. Get rid of more stuff. Take an inventory of cleaning products. Keep what you need and use. Finish the grout in the corner. The little place left where you ran out. Brush your teeth. Try not to worry. Be confident. I am. I'm confident I'll worry. What about that? What about this? What about what? What about it, huh? Draw a diagram of that concept project you've been thinking about. Draw a blank. Speak in a drawl. Are there ice cubes in the freezer? Are there any more paper towels? Clean out the refrigerator. Get the chain saw blade sharpened. What's under there? What's over there? What's that? Why for? Who said? Why should I? Don't ask me. There is no question that is stupid. It's stupid not to ask a question. We're all stupid about something. Usually more than one thing. Where do starving artists live? Look for spare time. Count that spare change. And if you act now, we'll send you a free gift. There's no such thing as a free gift. Sometimes you can get a free ride. Dream on. Where are the flies hiding and sleeping in the house? Put a new light in that outdoor fixture. Please wait until the ride has come to a full stop, then exit to your right. Listen to music. Listen to silence. Listen to the wind. Listen to yourself. Listen to what words don't tell you. What exactly were they leaving to Beaver in "Leave it to Beaver?" Huh? Leave it to Beaver for his silly antics I suppose. When the world was black and white. Simpler. But, what is simple? Was it ever simple? Simple minded? Gee. I'd like to choose that for awhile. Rest the incessant vagabond thoughts. Rest it so I can rest. I'd like to learn to sleep in. Joke, right? Where exactly is the tip of the iceberg? There are clothes that need mending. Taxes are due soon. Should I remortgage? How will my Aunt be when I see her next? How much does a 747 fully loaded with passengers weigh? When is Dave's birthday and why in the hell can't I remember dates? What's Johnny doing today? Do badgers bother people or, do they only bother other badgers? Call your brother in Virginia. Does any doctor actually believe that he or she is God? Dance. Write a letter to your bio grandpa and thank him for the Christmas gift. Who invented chapstick? Don't try this at home. Bring the ladder in the house.

Damn. There is something that needs to be done everywhere I look in this house. There is an imprecise amount. Much more than I'd ever write down. Why write a list? It would be a list that would have no ending. I'd spend all of my time writing it. Hell. Most of this stuff I'd don't even want to THINK about - yet, I can't help it. I'd rather be working on something. That is the foreseeable future. But, I have been spending more time thinking about it that I have doing it.

OK. I'd better go now.

So then... what am I going to do?

How about NOTHING?

I'm tired of thinking about it.

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I'm tired now.

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January 18, 2002

What a week. After nearly burning to a crisp due to mental burnout... I arrived home tonight to find this at my door.......

January 20, 2002

While I am trying to sort things out around the house, it seems I keep bringing things in. This phenomenon has achieved a level of consistency within itself. Last week, I arrived home one evening to find my Office Max order blocking the door. Yes... I ordered cardboard boxes. 78 boxes in all. So, I had to drag in the boxes of boxes since it was snowing/drizzling outside. I'll be putting together boxes as I need them. The type with a lid and handles are more friendly than the swinging flap type. Therefore, that justifies the purchase. The uniform box sizes will stack neater.

The day the boxes blocked my door, there were 6 fat rolls of insulation in the back of the truck had to be unloaded as well. I already had 2 rolls in the garage. A few days later, I bought thicker batts for the ceiling. I may have to get more, but this time, I didn't want to end up with a bunch of materials leftover from the job at hand. Not this time.

I also purchased all of the staples needed for the job < and then some > , plus, I picked up a 10 foot wide x 100 foot long roll of plastic. After insulating, the walls and ceiling will be wrapped in plastic, then... it'll be a go for the drywall. The sooner I can accomplish this the better. It couldn't be soon enough for me. At least, it will be ready for drywall by the time I leave to see M in early March. That's the goal. In the course of this, there are plenty of other little details to take care of as well. I certainly know what I'll be doing. I know I'll be home working. But, that's OK.... because I'm working toward something.

I'm working toward my new life.

Yesterday, my brother came over with his 2 kids and we got the electrical hooked up in the addition. There was only one snafu in the job. There was a receptacle for the sump pump in the crawlspace that would kick off the breaker as soon as the switch was turned on. After checking it out and tracing the wires, it was discovered that I had reversed the wires in the box. More proof of my imperfection, but.... a relatively minor adjustment once we figured it out... ;^)... but, all in all... everything else works exactly as it should. Generally, this is how things have gone while working on the house: you run into a few snags here and there... OK, let's not sugarcoat it... sometimes there are huge snags. Big frickin' black holes that you throw your money into. And, that's part of the reason it always takes longer than you think it will. Always. You may as well overestimate yourself... and, get your paycheck made out to the building supply company you deal with.

I've got a damn good start on the insulation already. Aside from feeling picky from the material... I'm doing fine today. The tricky part in doing the insulation is that there needs to be an airspace so that air can flow freely from the ventilated soffits and along the roof ridge vent. This is accomplished by cutting and bending cardboard and stapling it in between the rafters to create an air channel prior to installing the insulation. Of course, it would be easiest to slap the insulation up and staple it in... I mean no one will see it after it's done... but, it's not the right way to do the job. Plus, the insulation is more efficient this way... and, because the building can breathe... the shingles on the roof will last much longer. It's the feng shui of quality construction.

Yes - ya gotta have flow baby. Ya gotta.

Knowing that eventually M and I will be buying another house, well... that doesn't justify compromising the integrity of the house. I know plenty of people who wouldn't feel that way, and... I'm all about cutting corners when it comes to many things, but... not this. I've got my ethics to deal with. And, while that may not matter to some people... it matters to me.

January 21, 2002

Happy 4th anniversary to this journal.

My day started off well... I accomplished much in the way of insulation. And then... late in the day, I discovered my decrepit pal, the old black lab Crash... dead in his coop.

The ground is frozen solid. He's currently rolled up in a tarp, laying in the snow. He looked peaceful, he died with one back leg in a hurdler's position < the way he liked to lay > and, his head on his paws. Due to his position, most likely.... he had been sleeping.

His burial will be tomorrow. My sister is coming over after work with her boyfriend. They're bringing a power auger and he'll be buried behind the barn.

January 23, 2002

Yesterday, I show up at home after a long day... only to find myself there and feeling rather delirious. The 3 hours of sleep wasn't cutting it. But... I had a grave to dig for my dog and feeling surreal only matched the occasion. It enhanced that weirdo feeling effect.

A call to my sis earlier in the day yesterday to let them off the hook. I decided that I'd dig the grave myself. I wanted to. It didn't need to be a big production with my sister, her kids and her boyfriend with a frickin' gas fired power auger. The tool of all phallic tools. And, I didn't need to see the look of glee on his face as he pulled the starter rope and revved it up. Or, as he screwed it into the ground like some mechanical dirt corker. In fact, I didn't even want to smell that 2-cycle scent. That's best left to my imagination... and, as you can see... even that isn't pretty.

Burying my big old stinky, beer lovin' boy named Crash was a private affair. I didn't want to share this moment with anyone except Tasha. It was hard enough putting him in that hole. Digging it was much easier than putting him in it. Hearing that thump as his lifeless body hit his final resting place was tough. I knew it was the last sound he'd ever make. When I started to cry as I stood over him, Tasha didn't quite know what to do with herself. She looked panicked and ran around me nervously. Maybe she thought she was next.

Crash had a good life. A long life in comparison to Tasha's brother Booda. And, this was to be expected... because, really, I didn't think he'd make it as long as he did. Because he was old and I could see this one coming, I'm not going to say it was easy, but - I can say that it was easier on me emotionally than putting my pup Booda down.

A little over three months ago I had 3 dogs. Yes.... sometimes that felt like a lot. Now I have one. But, I won't be getting another. Tasha is enough. It'll be far easier keeping track of one than three. I will have more quality time with her.

Here she is... the happy wrinkle head herself.
 

January 28, 2002

Picky - picky - picky.

That's how putting in insulation makes you feel. Like a brand spanking new thick wool union suit. You can't wait to get the damn thing off.

Progress is being made... except that I got sidetracked < again > doing other things < sorting, organizing and gathering up yet another round of junk along with another pile of scrap wood for the fire pit - can you believe it? >. Since there isn't much more insulation to put up in the room, I'll finish it up after work this week. A couple of hours should do it. I stress the word should.

My Mom stopped over today on her lunch hour. She was surprised at the amount of work I had done in the room. That's good to hear when you feel like it should have been completed by now. I should be content knowing that it's getting there - except that I've been feeling quite impatient as of late. A situation guaranteed to be produce aggravation.

OK.... it's getting late in the day, with this attitude... it's time to hang it up.

back by popular demand...

What's in the news?

Mike Tyson is leaving Las Vegas... the Nevada athletic commission rejected his bid to box in an upcoming fight there against Lennox Lewis. Prior to the decision, Tyson said: he was sorry and that in the future, he would try to control his anger.

Tyson fled to the parking lot while the regulators read the decision. Tyson was in the parking lot calling Lewis out and said.... he'd fight him anytime he saw him on the streets. I'll bet he didn't say it nice.

After the Holyfield debacle - this guy should have been banned forever, and, even though I think he's beyond anger management, he should be putting a portion of the big paycheck toward getting psychological help.

I don't want to get too deep into the political arena but...
...I can hardly ignore it either.
Bush gave his State of the Union address last night. Rhetoric with a capital R. Exactly what I expected. Let's all pull together and kick some ass. Let's kick the terrorist's asses and let's kick our economy in the ass, too. Let's kick that recession's ass all over the place. We can do it! We can do it because we're Americans. And... we're used to getting what we want. If you're not with us on this then you are an ass. Now, get your ass out of the way! So, why not send Mike Tyson to Afghanistan to lead the front? Can't Bush invoke some sort of executive privilege for that?

A U.S. Naval base dubbed "Camp X-Ray" in Cuba holds detainees from the war with Afghanistan. Our Government argues they aren't "prisoners of war" and aren't subject to rules set down by the Geneva Convention. They are criminals... they are not prisoners of war. They aren't comfortable - but, they are being treated humanely in 8 x 8 chain-link cells with concrete floors and wood roofs. Roofs that appear to be wood pallets that are decorated with shiny rolls of razor wire. Snazzy? No. But, throw in a rubber mat to sleep on and 2 towels < one of which is used for praying >. No need to worry as the current digs are temporary. Damn. My dog lives in the Taj Mahal. But - if they aren't "prisoners of war" or prisoners at all... then we should also come up with a new name for what we call the criminal offenders locked up in our town jails. Interns maybe? I'm wondering how this is different from Clinton's interpretation of certain words... hmmm... I'm thinking it's no different. Hey, I thought this administration wanted to distance itself from those reprehensible acts? Out with the old and in with the same...

OK then...
ummm... we lock up criminals. They are not be confused with prisoners of any sort.

In spite of the fact that Bush made nary a mention of Enron in his State of the Union address... it looks like Johnny Cochran is hired to represent Enron workers. OJ backer Johnny jumps right on in there while Bush-Cheney attempt to distance themselves. Shades of Fawn Hall at Enron. But, despite the confetti endeavor.... < so much for the paperless office concept >... much of what you might think is deleted on a computer by hitting the delete key or throwing it in the trash, has the potential to be recovered. Deleted info resides on the disk until it is overwritten. Don't ya love technology? But let me ask, just where in the hell is the Ken Starr-like creature?

I dunno. But, I know I've had enough of that. And, it doesn't generally take long.

Other stuff...
The manufacturers of M& M's want a new color and are spending 45 million dollars on the campaign. Pink, purple or aqua? The White house spends millions on anti-drug/anti-terrorist spots to air during the Superbowl. The largest jellyfish fossils ever found, were recently discovered in Wisconsin. The residual leftovers are 500 million years old when Wisconsin had a tropical climate and sea. At least, that's what paleontologists say. And who are you to argue with them?

Some people think we should exorcize Harry Potter's books from the shelves. These same people would probably jump on the first bandwagon to shut me up as well. And you, too. So.... watch it. And... watch out for a 7,000 pound U.S. Spacecraft that is slated to fall from the sky... when?? Any minute now according to NASA. And, I guess they ought to know. Chances are it won't hit a single person. BUT... that's a statement issued in comparison to the size of a person's head and the vast area encompassed by oceans. Let's just say that if you're not looking up in the air - you'll never know what hit you. It's quicker than anthrax. Hey.... and who did that anyway? I thought we were going after the terrorists?

I'm sort of amazed that we can be surprised anymore, but the economy showed a surprise gain. Hmmm... I hope that the statement wasn't released by Enron's auditing firm - Andersen. How can we be sure? Today, we also learned that fake investment sites were created on the net to teach people a lesson. The lesson: look at how fucking stupid you are.

The company didn't exist. Author: the SEC.

Gee. I trust the government... don't you?

Hmmm.... the way I look at it is that I can still love America without abso-frickin'-lutely loving our government. And so I do. Which is what makes me proud to be an American. The freedom to have my own thoughts, and air them... without the fear of being taken in as a.... ummmmmm.... an intern or something. My thoughts are not criminal nor will they be imprisoned and held in contempt of any Geneva Convention.

I'll shut up now... you've had enough...

so... I'm done... for today.

I'll be back. You can't get rid of me that easily.

< imprisonment is a state of mind and the state of my mind has yet to be determined >

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