diary of a mad handyma'am

The last time I talked to my ex-girlfriend Laura was on February 17th, 2000. I haven't spoke to her since. It's nearly 6 months.

After I got off the phone that day, I sat down and wrote the following regarding the conversation:

Last week she told me she "wanted me, not my house." A couple of days ago, she claimed she never said it. Then, she told me ‘if that woman wasn't in your house, she'd be willing to get counseling." When I reminded her of that statement today, she said that it "wasn't what she meant"... well, well, well... so whatever. Apparently I am making it all up because I love to play these silly mind games... ... I'm afraid NOT. This is only an example of her typical BULLSHIT.

She also said she'd like to "take me away from this place and go somewhere different..." and that apparently was her solution to all things that bothered her about the house and me. Jesus... SHE was the one who left. She'd left so many, many times before. Usually after creating one of her infamous dramatic scenes, which generally included screaming at the top of her lungs outdoors. She loved drama... but... I'm not sure the neighbors miss her.

She also told me that "I love you differently than you love me." What is that supposed to mean? Huh? Had I told her anything a week ago < at my girlfriend's prompting > other than the fact that I still had feelings for her? That shouldn't be a startling revelation, should it? Not after being or trying to be in a relationship with L for over 7 years. It wasn't like I said I wanted to get back together. It wasn't like I said I wanted sex. I said neither of those things. Nor did I imply them.

Laura said she wished I could be her friend. She also said I was never her friend. She said she loves me. In fact, she said so many things. Like, all I care about is drywall. She misses sleeping near me but she can't stand me. She claimed I never held her hand. That I never did anything for her... but yet... she says she misses me. I didn't do this and I didn't do that... I lived in my own world... and on and on and on <perhaps I lived in my own world to preserve my sanity> .

The waves of condemnation coming from her hurt. I don't deserve it. In fact, I never did. Why she feels as if she has to put me down doesn't make sense... I think she gets her own energy from sapping mine.

I could never do enough. I could never be enough. Not in her eyes anyway... so what in the hell is there for her to miss? And do I miss it??? Hell NO!!!!

Throughout the relationship - I tried to talk to her. I tried to be reasonable. I wanted a foundation based on communication. I wanted a healthy relationship based on love. I wanted friendship and companionship. In fact, I wanted peace and harmony over the hyped up bullshit and drama. But NO... she wasn't having any of it. She preferred to alternate between strife and being the center of attention. From one high to another low and nowhere in between...

It's the same shit feeling again... and, I don't like feeling like this. Like I'm on some sort of defensive alert. Why do you have to put me there? Why you can't acknowledge your shit? I really don't understand why you'd want to hurt me. Guess I never will. BUT... deal with bullshit enough and you'll eventually get enough. I had enough.

Geez... she even said that she wasted her time with me. How could you say anything more ignorant than that? And follow it up with a quick I don't think your a bad person statement? Apparently, she fails to see that the first statement implies that I'm not worthwhile while the second implies the opposite.

If I wasted any time, it was in believing and living in the land of what could be. Without her cooperation and dedication in creating a viable relationship, she formulated the destruction. Not ME. I'm sick of her focus being on me in such a negative, hateful way - all the while she claims to love me and to want to be my friend. That's pure bullshit which doesn't match her actions. Besides. I don't want friends like that let alone a lover.

She did this shit to me for YEARS. And, denied it for as many. On the other hand... I was foolish to have accepted so little while she demanded so much from me.

I'm severing this unsafe emotional tie, sorry. I can't put up with this any longer - I don't have to.

The last time was different though. I knew I wasn't about to let her weasel her way back. The revolving door wasn't on the house anymore.

At first I would go through my usual feelings of devastation. Right about the time I'd start feeling OK she'd be stopping by, driving by <stalking>, calling me at home and at the office or tracking me down away from home. She be in the full-tilt SWEETASCANBE mode... which I would generally fall for. Except that this time I could easily predict what she would do because I had detached myself from the situation enough to see reality. And, reality had little to do with my feelings.

In he late spring of 1999, we started talking again. I was concerned with her state of mind because since my father unexpectedly committed suicide, Laura had been through several depressed periods in which she would scream that "there is nothing to live for..." "...I don't wanna live" and/or "...I wish God would take me."

I cannot say how those words hit me. It was like being hit in your most vulnerable place. It was like being kicked in an already deeply bruised area. It seemed to me to be rather mean spirited where I was concerned, nevertheless, I felt compassion for her as she screamed out for help. Yet, the only way I could help her is if she wanted to help herself.

Over the years I had became enmeshed in her world full of highs and lows. After a long conversation during our spring of 1999 separation I brought up the fact that she could be manic-depressive and I was concerned about her. To my surprise, she admitted to having an Aunt with that very diagnosis. The same Aunt that I had often heard her describe as "crazy" more than once. An Aunt I never met.

That day, Laura agreed with me. I thought we were having some sort of a breakthrough, too. I showed her a book I had regarding living with someone who is bi-polar... and, it seemed as if progress could be made. We read parts of the book and alternated between laughing and crying while we purged our emotional guts out into the air. When she left I hugged her goodbye and felt like that had been a very communicative day. I also felt like whatever it took, I wanted to be there for her, because that's what love is about.

I was there for her because I cared. I didn't want to lose anyone else. Especially after the 3 deaths I've spoken about in the first round of my writing. Especially since 2 of them were a result of suicide. I couldn't take another. Not her. Especially not her. Despite all of the drama scenarios, this one hit a little too close to all of my collective immeasurable pains. To abandon her would leave me in a precarious position my mind would not allow.

Soon after, we were talking about our relationship again. I did love her but I wasn't willing to accept things the way they were. We needed to get counseling. At the very least, we needed to write some things down and talk about them first. I wasn't about to fall into the old pattern that didn't work out. I was insistent about it and she agreed.

She went and spoke to a counselor and stopped by after her session. She seemed excited. She was having an up day and was happy to report that the counselor had affirmed some things that we had talked about earlier. The counselor told her that many of her problems stemmed back from this odd enmeshment within her family. Everyone was in the others business. The illusion of closeness without the reality of it. Her need to break away and be her own person, etc, etc. She was on the upswing again. I thought we were having another breakthrough. I thought she was, too.

It was good to see her smile and have such positive thoughts again. The extreme negatives that drove me away had disappeared. Still I was not ready to live with her again. We still had work to do. I didn't want to go through the same old song and dance again. It was too painful.

So what does she do? Well... she went to the counselor a few more times and decided that "she was alright" and that "she didn't have a problem." She wanted to move back in and I held fast to the notion that we still had work to do. That we needed to sit down and hash some things out in black and white...

...but, she ignored me. One day after coming home from the office, she pulls into the driveway. I'm standing holding the screen door open as she arrives with a laundry basket in her arms. Laundry to do, eh? I inquire as she briskly strides past me and the laundry area. "uh? What are you..."I begin to say as she throws her arms around me and gives me a big hug and smiles right in my face and says excitedly, "no... I'm moving back in!"

I stood there stunned as she quickly exited for more merchandise to haul through the door. The second time she came in I stammered "but, Laura... I thought we... you knew we..." She interrupts with another excited voice and a hug and says, "oh baby... it'll be OK because we love each other!" I was speechless and felt like I had just been bulldozed 10 paces back.

True. I did love her. I did want it to work out because of that fact, but I also had come to the point where I knew sometimes love wasn't enough. Sometimes you needed something more. To top it off, I was scared of her. Scared of falling into the same trap of highs and lows. Scared she'd leave and scared she'd stay. I didn't know what to think except that I didn't feel at all in control of the situation and I didn't appreciate the obvious bypass of what I felt was important.

And so began the summer of 1999 and it's ups and downs. It wasn't long after she moved back that her critical thinking mode appeared again. I felt to blame for all of the negative feelings she had - even though I know rationally that I wasn't - I still found myself in the defensive position again. She questioned everything I did. She scrutinized me with a magnifying glass and blamed me for all of her internal insecurities and unhappiness. She accused me of "having a thing" for one of our straight friends. Seems I couldn't do anything right. I didn't give her enough attention. I didn't do this and I didn't do that... it didn't matter that she was doing whatever she wanted to do without constraint. I couldn't do enough for her. And, most of everything was all about her...

...meanwhile, I threw myself into working like never before. It was my escape from her, from myself and from the rest of the world. At least I had that. On top of feeling like the loneliest person in the world.

It's so hard to describe the pain I went through in all of this. The psychological effects linger a little when something triggers a memory. Like writing this down for example. It's not easy for me. There are so many things I could say about this, but in order to do that I'd have to dredge the river. I don't want to bring all that muck up so I'll let it lie where it is. That's where it belongs. It serves little purpose in my journey upstream.

After reading my last entry it seems rather surface compared to everything that had transpired. Hell... I could say some very nasty things about L, yet they would serve no purpose. I tried for 7 years+ to make everything OK and now it's over and I accept it. The fact is I loved her and I tried everything I knew to keep my relationship with her. A relationship that ultimately failed and was most likely destined for failure long before the end appeared.

To this day I believe that L is manic depressive. And, she is functioning without treatment and continue to do so because of the STIGMA associated with a chemical imbalance that isn't her fault. Her entire family thinks of these things in such a negative light. And that was clear to me after my discussions with L regarding the issue. Whenever she talked to her family they told her nothing was wrong with her and that she "wasn't crazy." THAT SUCKS. It sucks because they clearly equate this to mental illness and you know - mental illness is bad and mental illness is crazy and we are not having this!!! STIGMATA baby... and ya can't have that because we are more comfortable with denial. DAMN! Chemical imbalances can be treated. They are only in the mental classification because they AFFECT YOUR MIND...

......so FUCK THAT. I wanted to help her. She didn't want to help herself by going to a professional. I wasn't trying to do any backyard science here. Her family steered her in another direction to save the collective family face. I wanted out of all of this. In the end L has gone around to people saying that "I said she is crazy" and "I think she is crazy" and "I think she is mentally ill".... once again trying to make me look like the villain because saving face is all that matters. The appearance matters - not the truth. The shell matters - not the substance. What other people think is what matters - not what you do.

When she made the final move out in the early fall of 1999, I wanted her to go. For me it was finally over. For her, well... same old, same old. She got an apartment and began sporadically dropping in on me and calling again. Weeks after she moved out, she came over and started saying things like, we could have sleep overs... she missed me ...she loved me... etc, etc. Was I surprised? Hardly. I was disgusted that those tactics generally worked in the past. How stupid could I have been? The answer is very stupid. Despite anything I felt for her, I knew it was time to let go. The answer was no.

After she left I felt more isolated than ever. Winter would be coming, too. But, I knew it had to be over with her. I was tired of it all. It was too draining to continue on that worn out path. The biggest part of my world was wrapped up in whatever was going on with her or her family. What would I do now? I didn't know hardly a soul outside of my immediate family even though I've lived here for nearly 12 years. I didn't want to go to bars in search of a date. Plus, the work on my house was keeping me tethered. I didn't have much time or money to be out on the socializing circuit.

What would I do? Well... well... well. I'm sure you could guess... but, I put an ad out on the Internet in early October. My intention was to widen my circle of friends and perhaps, even play the dating field a little. I had no intention of getting romantically involved. Especially after coming out of this.

Funny things happen when you aren't looking... because when Cass wrote to me shortly after I put the ol' ad out there, I knew there was something different about her. In the exchange of letters I began to get a picture of a woman I hadn't seen that had such a beautiful soul.

I don't have to ask questions
to which answers would not suffice
explanations are unnecessary
what is here is very nice

heard it with my heart
saw it there too
before I saw her with my eyes
somehow I knew I knew

Other people wrote me. Quite a few in fact. Some of the letters I got were completely inappropriate to the point they were laughable... I wish I would have saved all of them now so I could share them with you but I didn't.

I didn't believe anything like "meeting someone via the net" could/would really happen. In fact, any previous stories I'd heard about things like that tended to make me snicker. I would be thinking, what in the hell is wrong with these people? So, here I was eating some personal crow...

Cass and I wrote a continuous stream of exchanges, and nearly everyday. She was working as a substitute English Teacher about an hour away from me. About 3 weeks after our writing began, I was at the computer at home and she wrote something at the end of her letter like, "I hope I'm not being too forward by giving you my phone number... <insert number here>... no pressure, no expectations but the phone is sitting on the table here."

I thought I would die. I certainly must have gasped. I know I felt my face flush. OHMYGOD! I had to get up and walk around the house because pacing was the only thing I could do. Should I call? OHMYGOD! What do I do? First things first... I head for the bottle of Crown Royal on the bar and pour a stiff shot. I was shaking like I just threw back a double espresso. Then, I walk over to the window and stare out into the yard before I quickly consume the golden heat... afterwards, I pace some more and grab the phone. My palms were sweating. I had a lump in my throat. Took me a few tries before I had the guts to dial the number. The phone was ringing and I was still in full pace mode. She answered. "Cass?" I said... "yes... this must be <insert my name here>"... "uhhhh yeah. It's me...." trying not to sound as nervous as I was... while laughing a little, "what, you didn't think I'd call?" "No... uhhh... I mean yeah... I thought you might..." she said while giggling...

She has the sweetest little voice... <even to this day!> ...the sound of her voice made me slip off into another dimension. I knew then that I'd have to meet her.

We continued to burn up the phone lines and write feverishly... we talked about meeting and I suggested that we meet for New Years Y2K at the Outback Inn.

Cass thought that Y2K was too far away and wanted to meet sooner. Didn't take much to convince me because what it comes down to is we ended up meeting the Sunday evening after Thanksgiving... and we were both as nervous as could be!

But, what a wonderful experience it was. I'll never forget it for as long as I live... we stayed up all night blabbing and laughing back and forth. We walked around outdoors on that clear night after dark and saw 3 shooting stars within an hours time... something that I personally saw as a good sign because of that old tale of "bad things happening in threes"...apparently good things can happen in threes, too! Meeting her was definitely a good thing... and it just keeps getting better.

Even after we met, I didn't think I was ready for an actual relationship... despite the feelings I was having... I thought it was too soon. Meeting her made it real and it made me believe this was far more than some romantic fantasy I might have been having. Still, I was sort of scared. Even scared of myself.

After we met, we continued to ring up some fairly mighty phone bills... along with continuing our e-mail exchange. We spent every weekend we could together talking, working on little creative projects and thinking of collaborating on some bigger things. When my lil' sis met her she said before she left, with a great big Cheshire cat grin "don't you two ever shut up?"

The level of communication we have is wonderful. My stress level has leveled off. She is supportive of everything I am doing and the feeling is mutual. I look forward to spending time with her.

We have our differences alright. But they don't seem to get in the way of what is going on between us. So what differences? Hmmmm... she has several tattoos... like 4... on the other hand, I have none. She's got several piercings... the tongue thang... and many, many in both ears... while mine are few and only in the usual places.

A difference that seems to make no difference at all...

... but it sure in the hell surprised me!!

Expect this diary to be erratic. I promise to write but... I have so many things <as usual> going on at once that I can't say how much I'll write. At the least, I will try to write once a week... I promise!

Well... well... well... busy little beavers ‘round here. We got the outdoor bar built in the courtyard and it is one happening place. Cass and I even went as far as to tile the 3 foot by 7 foot counter top. Accomplished with very little outlay as we used the broken pieces of tile I had leftover from the 12x24 addition. When I get a pic of it - I'll be sure to share it. It was a fun project, one with very little swearing involved.

On the home improvement front since I disappeared on you, the house has new siding and, the 10x14 master bath addition shell has been added. That was completed last summer. My brother and I built the bath addition and I hired someone else to do the siding. I think that's sometimes more of a pain than doing it myself... yet, I didn't have time to do it all myself which explains that.

The guy I hired was quite the trip. When Joe came out to make his bid he was entirely different than the guy who presented himself at the jobsite. The preppy, little smiling <somewhat dorky> guy who claimed he could do "just about anything," became the arrogant, cocky little son-of-a-bitch that I signed a contract with. His helpers looked like a band of prison escapees and he seemed to have different help every time he came out. He was a pain in the ass as far as his attitude went though. We got into a few arguments while he was here... why? Because he was doing some half-assed shit and I called him on it. He didn't like it but, hey... I AM THE HOMEOWNER and you aren't getting your money until the job is done to my satisfaction. Yep. I had to be the bitch and play my trump card.

After the fiasco with the sider from hell, I ended up getting an alarm system in the house. Too many different characters were dragged over here and while I had thought about it before, it became something necessary after going around and around with him and his revolving chain gang. I'm sure he was as glad to leave as I was to see him go. I hope I never see him again, and I'm sure that the feeling is mutual - even though he did end up apologizing to me after throwing a complete fit near the end of the job... because one of his helpers had screwed something up that I pointed out to him he went ballistic... even more so after I told him mid-fit that he was acting unprofessional and I hoped he was just having a bad day. At that point, I didn't give a damn about what I said to him because of his inappropriate behavior and it was true. Later when he apologized to me - which actually was a VERY big deal and I'm certain VERY difficult for him to do <because he began by looking at the ground while talking to me> - I told him that he was gonna stroke out from the stress of his work. He agreed that he has a stress problem and that he's often thought about getting into another line of work because of it... so, it ain't like he doesn't know.

Building and remodeling is stressful. I know. But, your attitude can get you through most things. When I'm having a bad day or a moment - I have to walk away and resist the urge to drop a match and run.

You know the type. The kind of day where you don't want to be cooped up in an office sitting at a desk. The kind of day when you feel like you are "doing time" just being there.

I offered to trade jobs with the mailman today but he doesn't know the first thing about computers. Such luck...

It's the weekend. Of course, I couldn't sleep in despite that fact. Whenever I have to commute to the office for a 10 hour day - I swear I could sleep until noon < even though I NEVER, ever can do that unless I'm very sick >.

So it's 6:30 in the frickin' weekend overcast morning. Cass has already left for work and won't be home until about 4 this afternoon. Here I am. Sitting at the keyboard in a rather uncomfortable wooden chair with nothing in particular on my mind at this point: other than the fact I need a better chair...

* so here is where I am gone into the kitchen making my coffee in the beloved french coffee press... find the coffee... grind the beans... take a deep whiff... wait for the water on the stove to boil and pour it over the rich soil-like blackness of espresso in the glass carafe... snort it again and wait a few minutes for it to deeply color the steaming water... all the while wondering if I am feeling the placebo caffeine effect due to the sniffing of espresso... yet realizing this experience could be due to the anticipation effect of waking up the ol' olfactory and brain chemistry that knows the resulting effects like one of Pavlov's dogs*

So I took a break and had coffee outside. Sideways on the hammock with the birds. Espresso with a little cinnamon sugar and hazelnut creamer. I have reached a new pinnacle of decadence very early on a day off.

So then what? I come back in and log on to the net... surf around and read the news and check my e-mail. I write a long winded response to a cyberfriend < one that I ‘met' via this site > while consuming the remaining coffee and decide that SHE should write an e-journal at the same time I hit the send button... which means I didn't tell her that... until now! < YES Michelle... I'm talking about you! >

Anyway, guess what? I don't have plans today! Of course, the handyma'am is a little lost without a plan, but strange things happen when I don't have plans. It's generally a dangerous sign that I will embark on a tangent...

...although I have TONS of little things that need to get caught up on, and despite the major caffeine running through my being - I have no desire for anything mundane like weeding, sorting or cleaning... and THAT in itself means that I'll probably get creative today and create another mess...
.

before I forget... here is a pic of the the outdoor "sky bar" that was recently built in the courtyard. It's peppered with signs in case you can't tell < ! > and the footrest edge is covered with old license plates...

I have to give Renee a little chunk of credit for my return to journaling, too. Renee who? Well... none other than the "just me" journaler herself! WHY? Well... I hadn't been reading much and one day in June I decide to catch up on what's been going on with her. Lo and behold I find that she mentioned me in an entry on May 18th, 2000 and it got me seriously considering my hasty departure and potential return... besides that - she missed me <!> and I missed writing, too < even though most of the time I still feel like I am talking to myself when I write >.

In her latest adventure, Renee recently had gallstone surgery with complications that included her gallstones taking a bile duct trek... OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ow ow wow owwwwww!!!!!!!

So... after wailing out in sympathetic pain - all I can say is, "hang in there woman!" You're strong and you'll get through it... oh, yeah - and happy belated birthday, too!

OK... over the past several days I have literally been making myself sick. WHY? WHAT NOW?

I don't know where or how to start this one. The words are hard to find. Therefore... we'll move right on into it...

If you're familiar with the story, you know that when I left you all hanging < as in disappeared! > over a year ago, my sis was estranged from her husband and headed for a divorce when he was killed in a car accident.

Because my sis was still married to him at the time of his death, she was graced with having to deal with his estate. The inheritance wasn't much of a financial endowment once the bills had been paid and the house was sold, BUT - it created quite the mess as far as his divorced parents were concerned.

To them, my sis should have received no benefit from his death, especially since she has intended to divorce him. It didn't appear to matter to them that sis had two of his children. What pissed them off the most was that she had control over his "estate;" and, well... these are people that like to be the ones in control if you catch the drift.

Didn't seem to matter that her husband's father had been distant where his son was concerned. A fact I can verify since I'd seen her hubby crying in his beer more than once about the lack of closeness with his own father. This was certainly evident after the death of our Dad and, it made me feel bad for him. And, he already had plenty of chaos in his heart where his manipulative mother was concerned. Yet I knew he loved them both despite their shortcomings.

Anyway, there is no way to make this long story short. I've tried to condense it and this is seemingly about as squeezed down as I can get it... so bear with me <and - feel free to take a deep breath here >.

Since Mr. Moody died unexpectedly, my sis has been tied up in litigation regarding "grandparent's rights". It's my belief that his father decided to pursue the issue more as a retaliatory effort against my sister and the inheritance of the house that formerly belonged to his parents, rather than his visitation with the children. WHY would I say this? Hmmmmmm... maybe because he never took the 2 grandchildren anywhere before his son died? Yep... you betcha.

THEN... his mother decided to join forces with her former husband. A surprise only because my sister had been allowing her liberal visitations with the children. I guess she felt she needed to do this since her ex was doing it AND she wouldn't have wanted him to be granted rights that she didn't have herself.

The whole situation is quite the mess. My sister didn't and doesn't feel like any court should make her children go with his father/their grandfather and his complete bitch of a wife < absolutely no kidding > who are nearly strangers to them - especially NOT overnight. Understandable?

His mother/their grandmother was allowed by my sis to have the kids overnight every other weekend along with mid-week visitation... once they got into court - she wanted even more and my sis has been fighting this every step of the way. So far, their grandfather has been allowed by the court to see the children < he lives out of town > when his ex-wife has them and only for a few hours on Sunday afternoons.

So why have I been making myself sick? When am I gonna reveal THAT part? . . . . Can ya be patient because I'm leading up to it by laying the groundwork here... and GOODGOD! I can hardly bear to put this down as it is...

...pardon me because I wish I could cry I am so angry. The tears haven't found a way to gain freedom yet. When they do, I expect a torrent.

OK... back to the story I am trying so hard to tell... . . . . The kids in question are a son < now age 5 > and a daughter < age 3 ½ >. Sis also has a son by her first marriage who is 10... his father is alive and has regular visitation with him

After a visitation with Grandma last week... her 3 ½ year old daughter revealed that grandma "touched her down there."

and from the mouth of that precious blue-eyed babe, it wasn't done in the course of going to the bathroom or washing up. In her demonstration for my sis, she not only rubbed herself but she spread herself open...

THIS was the second incident. The first one was learned through her son because his sister told him... and YES, it was reported to the court also. She had been given a judicial warning and flatly denied the incident ever took place.

This time, the first opportunity my sis got was to legally protect herself. She contacted her lawyer, a therapist and the Department of Social Services... I would assume that she also took her in for a medical exam - but... I can't remember if she specificallly told me that... but, I would think the lawyer would advise that, too.

ANYWAY...... when she called the Department of Social Services to report the incidence, she spoke with a man who for all intents and purposes < probably stepped out-of-bounds because he > said, "well honey, God must be pointing you in the right direction because this woman has apparently done this BEFORE... to her own children... and, she knows how to manipulate the system..."

. . . sis was speechless yet furious. Her lawyer will be uncovering the details and filing a motion ASAP.

I had everything I could do to contain myself from NOT going to this woman's house and pulling her out into the street and trashing her beyond recognition - the mere thought of which will have to suffice. I do not feel one ounce of guilt for harboring and sharing this imagined scenario either. It is apparent that BAD THOUGHTS are, at times, necessary in order to keep your sanity. AND, my sis needed support to keep a level head on, it was imperative I operated from a reasonable sister position.

The thought alone of ANYONE doing something like this to ANY CHILD infuriates me... let alone the children in my family. Let alone the perp who is "grandma" to them... who is old enough to supposedly know better yet secretly sick enough to not care... the same sick bitch who will probably faint in the court for effect when she stands before the judge... the same woman who goes to church and shops in the town we live... the same bitch who will claim that either the "child is making this up" or, my sis is to prevent the extended visitations... the same Grandma bitch who < according to a 3 ½ year old bright little girl > was "looking for toys" in her most private area...

I don't know about you, but I don't think a 3 ½ year old child would make something like this up.

So, there it is. NOW I'm certain that you can understand the disgust I am feeling....

After reading the early morning edition, it's clear that this journal is < again > back to it's old self of reading like fiction. The truth is: I wish it was but it ain't.

Otherwise mentally entangled in reality, life is plodding along. The newly established wildflower gardens Cass and I created earlier this year are coming into bloom as I write. In those gardens I can see the promise of beauty unfolding... the promise of the future. The hope embraced and contained in living. Thank God I can see that somewhere now. Thank God I have a measure of faith on reserve without questioning WHY.

‘Tis not the season for me to be or feel entirely jolly, but - at least it isn't winter with all the stark visual compliments that would only match my interior. I don't have to see the icicles hanging on the roof edge to remind me of the frozen tears that are hiding somewhere inside myself. I don't have to be confronted with the harsh brutality and vegetative nakedness of winter to say that I can feel it around my edges.

I can't wait to be home with my girlfriend tonight. I really need a hug. Well...OK... maybe more than one.

I have to remind myself today that I am a survivor. OK then - a survivor who can admit to occasionally harboring thoughts of being kicked off the island...

She called me first thing in the morning at the office. Her voice sounded unusually low pitched and peculiarly calm. The scenario described in the last entry seems to have knocked a little of the normal spark from her soul. A situation I hope is temporary.

The lawyer has filed a motion. AND, he informed my sister that she would have to take her daughter into yet another specialist - one that specializes in children who are sexually abused < in order to determine if the child was being fed this information by an adult or if it actually happened >. One that has a PhD. Also, the lawyer cannot get any information from the Department of Social Services unless it is ordered by the judge < which, fortunately - if it comes back with correlating information as described by the man sis spoke with at DSS earlier this week, then the fat lady certainly sings >.

Her lawyer asked if she had taken her in for an examination by a doctor. While I thought this would have been the first thing my sister would have done - her take on it, in light of these allegations is that she was reluctant to have her little girl possibly further traumatized by an examination, but she'll do it. The judge would most likely order that anyway, so she will be taking her this week. And, she will get her into see the specialist before the court date which should be next month.

My sis is now very concerned with being made to look like a liar or spiteful in court. She is also concerned with the allegations being dismissed and being forced < via court order > to send her kids to their Grandma and having her daughter being in a situation which could escalate due to these allegations... < this is why people take off on the run with their kids... >

...I can't blame her for how she feels here. She's feeling down and like the "bad guy" when all she's trying to do is protect her children and be the good mother she is.

I wish all of this would simply go away... it sucks. Besides, my entire family has had enough to deal with over the last few years.

The only actual plans I have this weekend are on Saturday. My girlfriend's family is having a one-sided < of the family that is... > reunion on Saturday at her parent's house.

It should be interesting because they have a big family and I'll be around strangers who know that I am her girlfriend. That kind of scenario is generally a little uncomfortable for me at first but, I know that everything will be OK because I don't have much of a problem finding common ground with people I don't know. The only aspect of this is the, "here come those lesbians" part... WHY? < although there is part of me that finds this very hilarious >... mainly it's just because it ISN'T the first thing I'd like people to know about me.

Survived another weekend. And, made it through family reunion at my girlfriend's parents place. Everyone was gracious and it ended up that I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. OK... a little jittery during the ride over due to the awkward anticipation of the event - but, that was about it.

We arrived minutes before dinner, greeted by an assortment of smiling faces that were active in greeting my grinning girlfriend. The same girlfriend who graciously provided my introduction followed by the usual exchange of acknowledging pleasantries and additional flashing of teeth.

The happening was a little like a church picnic. Folding tables set up in rows with those nicked-up beige metal folding chairs. Styrofoam plates, plastic ware and napkins in a pile. Crock pots, dishes brought to pass sitting on ice and a card table for the dessert display. And, a fridge in the garage stocked the rural rendition of holy water: beer.

After dinner, I had to check out the engineering marvel of the unique wood-fired barbeque grill. This baby had a trailer hitch welded to it, a chain-drive rotiserrie and a enclosed rack big enough to BBQ for the feeding of a county fair. Impressive welded functional sculpture. Blackened like a nice piece of cajun catfish < yum! >.

After dinner, we toured the grounds. Why? Because staring at flowers and gawking at healthy vegetable gardens is as good for digestion as it is the soul.

Then, we stood around yakking it up with the relatives and observing the guests. An uncle played impromptu with his guitar in the garage while his daughters jammed on mostly unrecognizible music < to me anyway > on an electronic keyboard. The fun truly began when a few aunts and even grandma had their turn on the ivories. While their laughter nearly overshadowed the music, the smiles on their faces graced the room.

After everyone took their musical turns, it was time for my girlfriend to sing a solo with a background tape as requested by family members. While the acoustics in the room weren't optimal, she sounded like a million bucks to me. I stood there transfixed and grinning in her direction and let out a "woo-hoo!" when she completed the song which ushered in the applause from all of the occupied folding chairs. Ballad achieved even though my girlfriend thought she could have done a better job... I was proud of her despite her undermining thoughts.

So we walked around and yakked some more. Cass had to get up early for work the following morning so we had to head out earlier than the others. As we gathered ourselves to leave, much of the party had gathered to the side of the garage outside where they were playing horsehoes. We left to the clanging of horsehoes against iron stakes, interuppted by the sound of an uncommon metal shoe hitting the earth. After waving goodbye and honking as we exited the driveway, we were on the road again. Homeward bound. Reunion achieved...

Looks like it might rain later today. Good if it does, although I wish I could exert some influence here so it would rain specifically on the garden and flowerbeds rather than the lawn. Oh, well. Speaking of lawns, moments ago I returned to my desk after a brisk 3 block walk in the neighborhood near the office. Ranch houses adorn both sides of the tree-lined street. At the most, there might be 20 feet between the sides of each house. I marvel at the view as I strut past the homes. Hardly a leaf out of place, and I swear that the grass height is virtually the same across all of the front yards. Yards that are kept green through the magic of chemicals and/or fertilizer and prolific watering. Yards that contain the most unnatural looking shrubs around: cut like sharp-edged boxes or globes. I wonder why people prefer that look yet I am happy to report there were no sightings of cement or plastic lawn ornaments to further sully the landscape. This hood appears to be full of Joneses who are keeping up. Right down to edging the grass along the driveways and sidewalks....

...hmmm. During the day the inhabitants are away. If I came out here in the evening or on the weekend it wouldn't surprise me to see that they all dressed alike. Hell, maybe they even resemble one another genetically.

If I had such a smattering of a yard, I might consider cutting the grass with a pair of sharp scissors. I'd trim my bushes with an electric carving knife and edge the driveway with a box cutter while I wore roller blade knee protection. Face it...

>>Republicans<<
Well, well, well... George Bush, Jr. picks Dick Cheney as his running mate. One of Dad's old cronies. And I'm not the least bit surprised that he picked someone who is actually more qualified for the job than he is himself. I'm sure he hopes it'll rub off on both him and the election. Republican convention right around the corner... and I do mean RIGHT...

>>Democrats<<
Al Bore - - - oops.... my Freudian slip is showing... but I mean that in the most affectionate of terms. Hasn't picked a running mate yet. Hopefully, he will pick someone with a personable personality... someone with charisma that'll rub off. I'm surprised there wasn't more attention paid to the grooming process of the potential prez... Tipper should have been pinching his ass or lighting a fire under it! Truly though, I suspect that underneath it all is a whole different guy... hmmm... well, maybe? Should we ask Tipper? He needs to lighten up and show his human side a little... instead of playing the role of a cardboard cut-out man with environmental concerns. Let your hair down Al!!! And... show us your teeth more often, eh?

Regardless though... Al's got my vote. I see no valid reason to repeat the old Bush administration. And, I think that about covers that... at least where I am concerned...

OTHER NEWS
>>all-in-one<<
Napster gets the smack, and then... Napster gets a stay of immediate execution via appeals court. The music industry sweats perceived lost revenue while Napster MP3 like-sites are busy popping up like wildfires. And speaking of wildfires, the U.S. is having a hot ol' time as dozens of fires rage on, mainly in the western states. 3 million acres have burned already this year while Americans across the land contemplate another burning question: WHO will be the last Survivor? Along with the not-so-burning question: who's the next to be booted from boring Big Brother? And, lets not fail to notice that we're now Live! without Kathie Lee. Nasdaq plunges 179 points. Studies show brain scans of people with violent behavior contain distinct patterns. A recent guest on "Jerry Springer" ends up dead... murdered by her ex-hubby who was also on the show with his new wife. No doubt if you scanned the brains of Jerry's guests, there would also be a distinct pattern. And... O.J. Simpson needs a brain scan, too. He is still proclaiming his innocence... this time on the Internet. For 10 bucks you could get online and "chat" with him... now I seriously doubt that anybody reading this little ol' journal of mine paid 10 bucks to talk to O.J. BUT... if you did - please get the hell out of here NOW < thank you >.

the Sista Update
Motion filed. The court date was rescheduled for August 14th. Sis is doing ... OK... she's pissed off like the rest of us...

NEWS FROM THE HOMESTEAD
The entire yard is peaking in a bloomfest. From the plentiful trumpet vines to the pampas grass plots... but the wildflower patches I've mentioned that Cass and I established this year are looking oh so beautiful. They nearly leave me breathless. They do take center stage in my book. I've decided that the red poppies are my favorite. They are so delicate in the wind and the petals are nearly imperceptible to the touch. I've decided I'd like to have a set of sheets made from this material if nature would so graciously comply...

So far, I've taken this year in a rather casual stride. Especially where projects are concerned. Can you believe that I've actually allowed myself some free time to relax? Well, I have and I guess that it's about time. Last year at this time I was busy painting. Doing the Michelangelo thing by painting clouds on the ceiling in the room with a view - otherwise known as the wing. YES, it was another one of my silly tangents...

Last night Cass and I went out to one of our favorite watering holes and drank beer served up by our favorite waitress in the joint. Becky sees us coming and whips out frosted glasses and fills ‘em up immediately. We exchange the smiling hi-how-are-yas as she plops the glasses on little white napkins in front of us. She'll be getting married in 3 weeks and is as excited as can be... we offer her congratulations, proceed to drink beer < and buy her soon to be hubby a beer up at the bar > and well... you know... we have a tiny meeting at the square table to solve the world's problems, wonder aloud what's the next course of action around the compound and < most importantly > we discuss whether or not I should cut my abounding and often unruly mane.

Today, my cheeks are feeling the effects of too much smiling. Hmmmm... I am happy to say I haven't lost that ability in light of recent events... thank you... thank you... thank you.

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