copyright 1998 diary of a mad handyma'am an anonymous cyberspace diary & property of the mad handyma'am    1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11 12  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  27  28  29  30  31

Well, well... there's a lot to catch you up on. This is the first opportunity I've gotten to sit down since Friday morning. As I type away, the dogs are driving me crazy with VERY excessive whining and barking. They are locked up in the pen attached to the Outback Inn due to the addition floors being poured.

Poor dogs anyway. They have food and water, access to the Outback and double-decker dog coops outside in the open run area. All that and here they are making bleating sounds like they are being tortured straight down deep into their canine souls...

> > > > > >    Here's a synopsis of the mad handyma'am's activity the last few days...

It's Friday July 3rd. The first day off for the holiday weekend. The alarm goes off at 6:30 a.m. I shower and begin searching for tools and packing them in the back of the old truck. The battery is stone cold dead. The parking lights had been left on. Laura crawls out of bed to assist. We find the jumper cables and hook ‘em up to the dead truck and continue to gather equipment.

I have an outside job today < outside of this house anyway >.The mission is to build a 14 foot wall over at Mom and Dave's place. The wall will enclose the washer, dryer, furnace and water heater. If I don't do it now they'll have to wait until winter.

The phone rings. It's my sis. The big D thing is allegedly on again... she called the cops on her ranting and raving drunk husband last night to remove him from the house. He had locked himself in the bathroom and was shouting every belligerent thing he could think of. My sister called a friend over to witness, or I should say hear, his bullshit.

One of the lovely statements he made < again > was to shout, "I wish you would go and be with your Dad..."

... it would apparently be much more convenient for him if she were dead. Then he wouldn't have to pay child support for his two kids. It wouldn't cut into his party and bar hopping money and, his visits to local strip clubs.

After the cops told him to leave, he made a phone call and he spent the night at a friend's house. The next day he was back at 6:30 in the morning to confront my sister about calling the police. He claimed he didn't say any of those things he was accused of and he wanted her friend verify it. It's the first time she had a witness, but, far from the first time he's pulled that "I don't remember" shit on her.

According to my sis, she's not leaving this time - he is. For now, she's got her day care license for that house and, if he wants her to leave, he'll have to begin paying child support immediately. Not something I'd expect the selfish bastard to do...

...all I know is that he doesn't deserve her and someday, someone will appreciate her for all that she is. She followed her heart and went back, she's certainly not the first person to do that. She wanted her marriage to work.

OK sister. I have to hang up because I need to leave for Mom and Dave's to start the job. Sis will be stopping out to the job site later. < Frankly, I am very tired of this entire ordeal; but it would be quite rude to say that out loud, ...wouldn't it? >

Finally, I'm off the dreaded phone. With the truck battery charged up, I leave for their new house, 20 minutes away. I pray along the way that everything goes well on the project...

...as I wait at the light to make the turn onto their street, I notice the engine chug like it was going to stall. The light turns green and I turn the corner, the truck is really chugging and sputtering now. Come on! I'm a few driveways away! And, wouldn't you know it - two houses away from the goal - it dies completely. I'm in the rightmost lane on the edge of a 5 lane road. Traffic is fairly heavy and there is no side of the road to pull off on in the city. I put my 4 way flashers on, take the truck out of gear, hop out and run across two yards up to their house.

"My truck died out in the road. Can you help me push it?"

They spring into action. Mom steers while Dave and I push it into the driveway. Thank God it wasn't far... thank God we could push it.

"What do you think is wrong with it?" Mom asks.

I dunno. It's almost like it ran out of gas. But the gauge said 3/4 of a tank...

...and then I remember. When I started it the gauge was at 1/4 of a tank. As I drove it went up to 3/4...

...Dave poured some gas for their mower into the tank. It started up. The gas tank float must be stuck.

I worked very hard on Friday. I could tell that Dave was tired by dinner time and that if I would have said, "OK, lets call it a day and work tomorrow..." he probably would not have argued. I didn't though. I didn't because I didn't want to spend most of the entire next day working there. I have enough to do at home. Even though I knew I would return the following day to put the corner bead on and sling some mud.

The project went well despite a slow start. The wall was built and anchored to the cement floor. Ventilation doors were framed and it was completely drywalled by the time I left. Whew! What a day. Dave said he "didn't know a wall involved so much work..." I think it goes much quicker when you have somebody who is 6' 5" to help.

I left Friday night at 11 p.m. to head home. It had been a warm day and the night was finally cooling things down with a misting rain. The rain and wind whipping through the open window along my face as I drove towards home felt wonderfully refreshing.

I was pumped up to the max after having consumed an entire 6 pack of Mountain Dew during the wall building event < a record I doubt I'll either repeat or beat >. Laura had been home for about an hour from work and we sat up talking until 2 in the morning...

...on Saturday we went out for brunch and headed over to Mom and Daves. As we approached, we could see Dave and Mom installing their new split rail fence along the side of the yard. Dave looked like he had never worked so hard in his life.

Laura went in the house with her Compaq notebook computer and finished up some office work. The corner bead was installed and mudded < the plan is to return there Wednesday evening after work for dinner and more mudding >. By Friday the job should be complete - including the dreaded sanding.

Laura and I took the remainder of Mom and Dave's rummage sale items from the garage. A friend of ours is getting ready to have a rummage sale and we were headed to drop off the donation. By the time we arrived there it was nearing 6 p.m., and, after hauling the boxes out into the barn, there were a few sentimental things that I decided to drag back home. One of which is my Dad's old reel-to-reel tape recorder and 3 tapes. I didn't see it amongst the rummage sale stuff and, I was surprised it didn't go for the 10 bucks that was marked on it. It should be interesting to listen to. I will hear his voice again...

On Sunday Laura and I spent the entire day outdoors working at home. Digging, picking up rocks and sticks, basically trying to level the drainage field area. I ended up flattening a tire on the riding mower by running over a giant staple in the dirt AND < yes - another screw up > I damaged the siding on the barn as I rounded the corner with the cart attached prior to that < so there's the answer to "what's next?" for me - this time anyway >.

Monday continued with shovels playing in the dirt. A retaining wall was built and the I worked on regrading the soil away from the addition. Laura's Mom came over late in the afternoon < ! > and we had dinner together. Dinner that Laura cooked on the grill. She grilled giant potatoes cut in half with onion slices and garlic powder in the crevasse wrapped in aluminum foil. She made a steak for her Mom and herself, and, she grilled me a turkey breast with XXX habernero sauce on it... something which is obviously an acquired taste, but one that I love. It's one of life's finest pleasures where I am concerned. Of course, being tired and hungry makes most things taste pretty good anyway...

July 7th, 1998

It's Tuesday and I'm still digging. I called in sick today < the bad handyma'am! > without guilt. If you don't already know, digging dirt sucks. If you can avoid it - do. Especially vast amounts. I am convinced I would never make it as a full time shoveler. For now though, it looks like we'll be part time shovelers - like it or not. Digging is the definition of gritty manual labor.

"I feel gritty...oh so gritty, oh so gritty and witty and gay..." < YES of course this is sung to the tune of "I feel pretty" >

The chickens have a new pile of dirt to climb. The excavation for the new foundation left quite a pile. Brewster the Rooster and Chicken Noodle are still going crazy over the blackberries, while they don't like the raspberries much at all. Over the weekend, Brewster decided to perch upon Crash's back and pick at him while he is laying down. Crash is undecided about it, but he let him do it anyway. Brewster has yet to take a blackberry filled shit on Crash's back, but it is bound to happen.

The birds are definitely getting friendlier. Today, Brewster perched on my arm and ate blackberries from Laura's hand. Chicken Noodle jumped on and off my arm quickly, but she did let us pet her. Their personalities are distinct and amusing.

You've been waiting for it so here it is...

Time for:   the Sally and Ricardo UPDATE

Sally's husband DID end up going into work and telling the supervisors what was going on with his wife and the patient. It was too late. Ricardo had already switched companies in the nick of time. A timely maneuver for protecting Sally's job.

Laura was avoiding Sally for a while at work < she said she was disgusted > It seems that Sally had revealed her "secret" to a few other people in the office and ended up telling them something else that got back to Laura...

If that doesn't convince me that this woman has some mental problem, I don't know what would. The oddest thing about her saying that was that Laura told her she was gay! If she wanted to spread some gossip about her, why in the hell didn't she tell them that?!

The games some people play. Somehow, I don't get it....

July 10th, 1998

Isn't it a bit disturbing that I am sitting here writing without having anything in mind when I sit down? I don't know what'll happen when I start clicking away...

My boss says I type like a newspaper reporter in a 1930's movie.

And, I most certainly do. I resemble that fact.

It started off with the hunt and peck thing. Then, I graduated to mostly peck. So what! I'm a keyboard pecker...

.

.

.

...among so many, many other things.

While my evolution is ever changing, my keyboard skills will remain stunted.

That's what's on my mind today. Change. The benefits of change. And, the part it plays in our evolution.

Many of us have an inherent tendency to resist it. Many of us are "against it." We don't like it. We want the old familiar whatever it is.

But... we can't always go back. We can't always resist change. Things sometimes will never be the way they were. Never.

Change + acceptance = enlightenment and growth. Then... we are moving right along < rather than bucking the notion of the motion >.

As I've said before, we like to think we control things. Most of us anyway.  The human condition necessitates our illusion of such magnificent power.

It's weird how I can go from digging dirt in a massive attempt at landscaping and come in the house for a philosophical moment...

I don't know about YOU - but it seems EVERYTHING makes me wonder.

Especially the sky at night. I love gazing at it. Binoculars or a telescope or, simply looking at it flat on my back in the grass in the dark. It's mystical to think we are a part of something that is so awesome.

So MASSIVE.

So THERE....

.

.

.

...I like to think about it when the sun shines.

When my human vision betrays me into thinking it is not there.

.

.

.

.

.

.

...I realize

The handyma'am is slacking big time. She is OVERWHELMED! < insert appropriate warning siren sound here > Much too much!

I have this massive amount of e-mail that is getting scary. If I haven't answered or written to you lately it's because I am completely inundated... < aw, come on! won't you forgive me? >

.

.

.

July 14th, 1998

Yesterday, Laura's Mom brought dinner over. Chinese take out. Chicken Lo-Mein and Egg Rolls. Laura ended up coming home from work earlier than usual - she arrived shortly before her Mom did. I am so happy for Laura < and me, too > that her Mom finally seems to be accepting her daughter for who she is! < maybe one day her Dad will come around, too... there is always hope! >

Get a load of this one: Laura had mentioned to her Mom in the course of conversation that her brother < the oldest of 3, Laura is the youngest > doesn't come around < he's never been out to the house > and, she doesn't hear from his wife, or, the 2 kids < except near Christmas and their birthdays >. Although her brother is somewhat of a chauvinistic loudmouth jerk, he is afterall, still her brother < and it hurts her feelings >. ANYWAY... the point here is that Laura's Mom talked to him and said, "so... how come you don't have any contact with your sister? You know, she'd like to hear from you sometime..."

After several dart games we ate the Chinese food from take-out containers and afterwards, I broke my fortune cookie to reveal this:

July 16th, 1998

what's been going on... Landscaping. Lots of it < still >. More shoveling, raking and hauling than you can shake a stick at. Planning, planning, planning... making lists and notes... shuffling paper and making assessments < spending money >... assembling information <specifications >... formulating < decisions, decisions >... organizing < ok then, valiant attempts at it >... creating < more work of course >... dreaming < drawing >...

...continually doing < bustin' ass >.

In other news...
the big Drama update: < insert your favorite weird music here >

a fishy story if I ever heard one < add my slight embarassment... >

...and the headlines read in part: > > > > > > and, they appear to be getting on famously!

Hmmmm??! <whatthehell??> Odd you say?

Well, I'd certainly say THAT! < will it last or leave a funny aftertaste ? >

< add throat clearing sound > Silly little sister if I don't say so myself... she thought her marriage was over. She was prepared for it. She said so anyway...

It is unknown whether she's ever attended a Time Management Seminar, but little sis wastes no time. She gets on her bicycle for an impromptu solo getaway. Rides it several miles from home. Lovely weather. Sunshine with a slight breeze. She stops and gets lunch. Then, she cycles down under the bridge over the river downtown < the standard semi-polluted river > to consume her food. She starts talking with some unnamed guy who was fishing on the embankment < I didn't ask about what or how long >. Says she's ready to leave and grabs the bike and the guy says, "can't I at least have a hug?" < he was a nice guy she said >

Little sister does acquiesce < with no apparent concern for possible contamination via worm or minnow guts > and in the course of that polite hug...

Yes, this is for real. My sister would want to strangle me if she knew that I was telling you this. I wouldn't make something up to make her look dumb. When she told me I thought I would die laughing < nervously >. I could hardly believe it. Only days before she was talking to me and said that a friend told her that "she should have an affair..."

...we talked and laughed about it then, and, I said: "hell... you couldn't have one if you wanted to. He's always following you, you'd never get away with it... besides that, it would be stupid at this point. If you're gonna do something like that, be done with him first. You don't need the complications."

To which she agreed and days later, my influence dissolved completely as she trolled for dudes under the bridge on her bicycle...

...could this be a wake up call for him? Or, is it just a temporary shock? < time will tell... and we shall see what we shall see >

otherwisewhat's been on my mind...

When I'm working on something, I'm prone to be thinking about something else. In only a few weeks the new addition will be built. My brother is driving in from out of state < 11 hours > to offer assistance the first week in August < God, how I love my family! they are wonderful people... >. The project is overshadowing everything on my mind and, in my life.

It is crunch time. There is an uncontrollable feeling here beside me, akin to stepping out of ones body. Its mortifying and electrifying at the same time. There's nothing I can do to stop this uncomfortable sense of dread. Dread that is bound and locked up and, fighting for release. Dread that probably amounts to nothing more than unnecessary, but ordinary, everyday fear. Our basic, run-of-the-mill primal instinct < I am not alone >.

I keep telling myself I'll get through it. That it'll be alright. That everything will fall into place...

... because I essentially know this to be true, < despite not feeling it at the moment >.

I am slipping from the safety zone into a prickly abyss and I want it all to be over... In fact, when I get done, I'm gonna make a big ol' sign that says:

...finally!

AND, after the sign is up, I'll sit down for awhile to stare blankly at it... ...and soon - without a doubt - my mind will begin to roam immeasurably... and it'll conjure up another project < it'll never be over >... I'm always doing something < I am possessed >.

This handyma'am shit is hard to do. Very hard. When it's done it just looks easy. When you're in the thick of it, you don't see anything else. You can't see what you've done because you quickly move on to something else. The next thing to do.

I must have had a hundred milestones since I arrived at this place. The first and most distinct was a ceiling light in the kitchen operated by a wall switch.

Why YES, it most certainly did. You try going without that little taken-for-granted flip of the switch for long and you'll know. I went for 6 months without having one. So much for modern suffering, eh?

Borrowing money is temporary, while the internal personal price I am paying for this is significant. The money part is easier than sacrificing my core. Frankly, I wouldn't wish what I am going through inside on anyone. Certainly not you...

...because you see, I'd rather burden myself. I'd rather go by my usual credo of, "do-it-yourself, by yourself" and, I can't say why. Possibly it's a mix of total control, not wanting to impose, and punishment of the self. Punishment for what? I don't know < oh yeah, lets not forget to add perfectionistic tendencies, too >.

Utterly amazing. I expect all of these tremendous things from myself. In fact, my expectations are abnormally high. Much higher than what I expect from other people. Exceedingly so. I expect very little to < absolutely > nothing from others < avoidance of potential disappointment? control? > but, an incredible amount of everything from myself. Probably a typical over-achiever, too < trying to prove WHAT? >.

Even my handyma'am proclivities are over done. I can't do anything the usual way, I have to add some complications. It's as if I am compelled by an invisible guide < how many people do you know with a wood ceilings in half of their house ? ... among other things... >

To others, the handyma'am appears to be self-sufficient and very independent. For the most part, this is very true BUT, it is a double-edged sword. Why? Because she can be easily misunderstood. Her strengths, abilities and independent eccentricities may appear as < or be > threatening to some mortals < has been >. It may look like she "doesn't need others" when in reality, that couldn't be further from the truth. She cares deeply about the people in her life and humanity itself. She sees commonalities in other people that override and outweigh our divisions < still, she's certainly no candidate for sainthood >.

She doesn't consider herself to be a leader and she knows she isn't a follower... she's just doing her own thing. Always did. Probably always will...

...she has been accused of BEING IN HER OWN WORLD though - and maybe she is. Sheeesh... she always thought there was room enough in it for you < and YOU and YOU and YOU... etc. >.

The handyma'am isn't trying to "one up" anyone by being who she is, ...never. Most often, she's ill-at-ease with drawing attention to herself < it must be easier for her to detach and talk about this in a third person narrative - did you notice? >. My girlfriend sometimes flits around the house with someone in tow "showing off" my work. Hearing Laura babbling in praise makes me cringe and leave either the room or the house. While I am proud < albeit quietly proud > of what I've been able to accomplish, drawing attention to it isn't my thing. Sometimes, it's sort of embarrassing... < I must be humble because I wouldn't exactly call myself shy >...

In light of this, don't ya think it's strange then that I would do this web site? Doesn't this very public display bother me?

The answer is a resounding NO. Not at all really. And so now, of course, you wonder WHY ?

Well... in a way, so do I. But, I'd say it's the relative anonymity provided here < added to my normally eclectic self >. I've always loved to write when I could. The freestyle category. Whatever I was thinking or doing usually. At different times, I kept a paper journal. I wrote poem-like weird thingies. A few stories for the kids. Probably have ‘em here somewhere stuffed somewhere in storage boxes, exact location unknown. At least, some of them anyway.

Disarray I am today. Weary from a want of sleep and vivid dreams. Tired of being tired. And, guess what?

After working 10 hours today, I'll leave to finish sand drywall at Mom and Dave's place... and then - NO I can't go right home - it's off to my aunt and uncles house to meet Laura for a barbeque < prediction: visit, eat and collapse >.

Yes, I am a simple girl trapped within a complicated woman's body. Trying to force a 1 liter bottle of Mountain Dew down her throat in an attempt at a late afternoon molecular revival...

July 17th, 1998

Can you imagine losing your virginity LIVE on the Internet? An 18 year old couple, identified as Diane and Mike, say they are gonna do just that on August 4th at 6 p.m. < Pacific Time >.... they claim that world and Internet history will mark the day.

Unbelievable...

What in the hell will be next? Live executions followed by Internet funeral parlors?

What do I think about this? I wonder what is wrong with their heads. They will be living with this < and the repercussions from it > for the remainder of their lives. A decision made at 18 isn't necessarily the same one you'd make later on. Imagine breaking that news to your kids!

...even with that point aside; think about it. Would you have wanted a permanent public record of your first time? I don't think most people would. After all, the "first time" may be less than fantastic! And, what about your friends and family? Mike's father is allegedly a minister who allegedly knows nothing of this!

It makes me wonder how much these two are getting paid for this public display, and, it makes me wonder if they really are virgins to begin with...

The disclaimer from the site reads: < these are not my words >

1. YES - This is for real. There are two steps to making a child. First, making love. Second, the delivery. If the delivery can be shown LIVE on the Internet and be considered educational and beautiful, then why shouldn't the first step also be shown LIVE and considered educational and beautiful.

2. "How much will it cost?" Our web site is a free and open web site with no sponsors, or cost. We are making history just by showing the power of the Internet, as well as proving the point that there is too much sexual repression, and not enough sexual education in the world.

3. "Why isn't your site blocked to keep children out?" Our site is about education, freedom, and the power of choices. We ask you, "why don't you monitor what your children are doing or use a commercial blocking system?"

I can totally agree with point 3 in the disclaimer. As for points 1 & 2, they are debatable. While showing the live birth of a baby on the Internet could be considered educational < and beautiful >, I don't see how you can equate losing your virginity live on the net as an equal match. I could probably get a video tape at the local library showing the birthing process, but not one that would show anyone engaging in actual sex. My local library doesn't have sex tapes like that.

As for combating the sexual repression in the world and lack of sex education - is this going to help? The Internet is a powerful tool, but, like all tools: it needs to be used responsibly. As for the "power of choices," I think that Mike and Diane are making lousy choices. They have the freedom to have sex on the net and I have the freedom to say I don't agree with their decision.

Freedom is a exceptional matter and, it's not something I would want to give up. It's one of the greatest aspects of America, especially when considering the repression in some countries. What about boundaries? After all, we don't live in a lawless society here. If we did, there would be complete chaos that would eventually compromise the very freedom we value so highly.

Intimacy in the truest sense is a private connection. It is the dividing line between mere friends and the link between lovers. Unfortunately, the very nature of the Internet and the power of it allows for abuse and exploitation. While I would never vote for outright censorship < ban censorship! >, I can't say I agree with or approve of everything I've come across either.

Interestingly enough, the group putting on the Diane and Mike spectacle, is the same group behind the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tapes and the Jerry Springer stripper sex tape < among several other celebrity-sex oriented things >...

July 20th, 1998

ha!

Internet virgins called money-making "hoax"

By Mark Egan

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - A company that was to provide the computer equipment needed to show two 18-year-olds losing their virginity on the Internet said Friday the event was a money-making hoax.

Seattle-based Internet Entertainment Group (IEG), which had signed a contract to supply the computer hardware, told Reuters the organizers planned to charge Internet users $5 each and then not deliver on their promise that the couple would have sex. Warshavsky said the couple was going to have AIDS tests and pick put condoms leading up to their Aug. 4 event and charge viewers for "age-verification" purposes. Then on the actual day, the couple would decide they were not ready for sex, he said.

Mark Vega, the lawyer and spokesman for the couple identified as "Mark and Diane," did not return repeated phone calls, but in a letter posted on IEG's Web site said the charges were false and defamatory.

Warshavsky said he was informed by Ken Tipton, the organizer of the event, in a phone call on Friday that it was aimed at fooling more people than Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" 60 years ago. That realistic radio drama duped millions of Americans into thinking that Earth was being invaded by Martians.

Warshavsky said that Tipton had been using the pseudonym Oscar Wells up until the day he signed the contract with IEG. Wells was named on the www.ourfirsttime.com Web site as its designer.

"He said the reason he was calling himself Oscar Wells was that this was going to be the 60th anniversary of 'War of the Worlds' and this was going to be bigger. The whole thing was kind of a media hoax," Warshavsky said.

Heather Dalton, IEG's spokeswoman, said, "They were not going to go ahead with the act. They were not going to have sex on the Internet and they were also going to charge $5 to view the site."

Attorney Vega said Thursday that the site had attracted "hundreds of millions" of viewers and could become one the biggest ever online events. He insisted the Web site would have been free and that the event "was not about making money."

IEG, which markets the sex video of actress Pamela Anderson and rocker Tommy Lee on its Web sites, became involved with the project Thursday.

But 24 hours after signing the contract, the company pulled out because it said it suspected the organizers' motives and believed the event would not deliver on its promise.

Warshavsky said, "After investigating it and talking to them further, we had some serious concerns about their credibility and whether they were really going to deliver what they said they were going to deliver."

IEG hosts a variety of steamy Web sites and is best known for selling the Anderson-Lee sex tapes. It was taken to court by the couple, who were then married, to prevent the tape from being sold. An out-of-court settlement was reached and the tapes are now available.

Since plans for the event came to light earlier this week, many critics have been concerned the event was either a cyberspace hoax or a money-making scheme.

But Vega, who specializes in First Amendment cases at a well-known Los Angeles law firm, has maintained the event was for real and about freedom of speech. Critics said the couple looked more like buffed, beautiful actors than dewy-eyed 18-year-olds about to share their most intimate moment on a lavish Web site.

July 23rd, 1998

Now that I've calmed down about the fake couple losing their virginity on the net escapade... I'm glad to say I'm back. AND... I've stopped laughing about it < now I'm only shaking my head >.

I really do dream of having a normal life someday ...

Otherwise, I may fall off the precarious ledge of the edge. Never to return.

For today, I cling tightly to a hairsbreadth of hope.

That one day...

Or, I should say - that the infrastructure will be firmly in place. I am growing tired of building, remodeling, renovating...

...all of it really. And, everything it entails. I'm even tired of thinking...

I never knew I'd be doing this < repeat one million times >. I hadn't an inkling I'd ever become the mad handyma'am < well, the truth is that first I was the handyma'am, I didn't get mad until later... > . I never knew I could do any of this < but, I never knew I couldn't either >. It wasn't something I pursued. It just sort of happened. I fell in headfirst. I was naive < OK then, maybe even stupid >...

BAM-O! <  whatever hit me? whatever made me so dumb? why - why - WHY?  >

But, oh... today...

I want my time back. I want to do whatever I want to do < whatever that is on any given day >, not was has to be done. I long to be creative in different outlets. I resented this place for years because it kept me from so much. It kept me from my creative passions...

...or so I thought so many times...

...because the house I often resent is truly my largest art project to date. An accomplishment I had no previous vision for. Occasionally shocking myself when I look around at the surroundings that scream I've already made a mark on the planet. Humility sensing embarrassment at this bold exhibition...

Still...

...I would like to spend some of my money foolishly, with a sole intention of having fun. I'd like to travel on a whim. I'd like to see my hair turn white without power tools in my grip. I'd like to have the time to write a letter to a friend by candlelight with my goose feather quill and ink. I'd like to propagate my fruit trees and, have a garden again. I'd like to reclaim my summers. All seasons in fact. I'd like to make lemonade and stay in the hammock all day, with a book that wasn't a reference book. I'd like to speak fluent French and curse in Swahili. I'd like to show my girlfriend the world, and, devote more quality time to the people I love. I'd like to study Archaeology and attempt cold fusion. Fly to New York for lunch. Paint outdoors when the sun comes up. Spend time with people instead of projects. I'd love not to have to hurry. I'd like to get decent sleep. I'd like to be abducted by aliens, just overnight. Learn how to toss pizza dough in the air. Carve something. Have a horse drawn sleigh ride near Christmas. Finger paint. Reorganize things. Decorate. Play a game of marbles in the dirt. Ride a rocket to the moon. Explore a cave. Have a formal dinner party for no reason...

...it might be me...

...victim of circumstances.

...perhaps my own.

And that wouldn't be good at all.

Because I'd like to do so many things. Yes, I would... things that have little to do with what I am doing today, tomorrow and next week...

...except that, if I wasn't doing this now - I might not be able to do what I want later.

July 26th, 1998

Haven't had time for anything but work. Haven't found the time to write. I really haven't.

July 29th, 1998

Odd Project Factoid: In unusual display of symmetry, everything appears to be falling right into place.

That said, we're moving along < before something happens... > : My edorphins are beginning to work. The adrenalin is building. It's the countdown to the project. Only 5 days away !< add some sleepless nights >...

On Thursday, I will arrive home to a load of materials resting on the ground in the backyard behind the new foundation. I will neither perform nor allow myself to witness any rain dances for the next week. The windows will also be delivered Thursday in the second load...

In the mean time - I've got tons to do! < sorry if I haven't written... I know you understand... you're just that way > Tonight < and the next few >, I'm headed for the garage to get things in order. Then, I need to pay some bills < before incurring late fees >. I need to check my material list for potential items of forgetfulness, and, get some sleep...among so many, many other things.

Since I'm on the ball with this project... why not check out:

BALLS IN THE NEWS: The GM stall is over, so the ball gets rolling again. Monica Lewinsky is granted immunity - and, Clinton finds himself up against her again. Presidential scrotum in the vise; will Starr make him squeak? Powerball fever is rampant in the U.S. - Mike Tyson vows to box without the bite, provided he's not blackballed from boxing, and OJ Simpson's old house has a visit from the wrecking ball - < among so many, many other things >.

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The BIG D < dippy > update:

Can you say   D - i - a - m - o - n - d ?

Yep. He bought my sister a new ring < does that make it all better? >.

The wonders and astonishment never end...

< insert an unintentional shake of the head here >

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Chicken update: Still clucking, pecking, climbing and generally hanging out like chickens will do. Brewster has begun crowing more clearly, although it's still not a full fledged crow, it's grown beyond the kazoo-likened endeavors over the past month. The birds share an invisible tether. Last evening, they attempted to fly through the front window screen as I sat at the table. They ended up back on ground zero < vent towards the sky > after the first ill fated attempt. It didn't stop ‘em from 3 additional tries.

...then...

Laura says, "awwwww... maybe they want to come in!"

To which I say, I don't care what they do. They are NOT coming in the house!

July 31st, 1998

Hello again. Today, I don't know where to start. I don't really know what to say. The handyma'am is at a complete loss for words...

Because one of our friends committed suicide yesterday afternoon. He took a dramatic and intentional dive off the highest bridge in the county. He died immediately.

In February of this year, we attended his wedding. It was his second marriage. He was only 35 years old. He left 3 children behind from his first marriage, a very large family, many friends and his new bride.

Right now though - I am haunted. My entire body is haunted.

Our friend's shocking suicide has brought everything back. The ghosts are back. I did not want this to be. Not now. Not ever. But, certainly not now.

But, here it is. It doesn't care about how it makes me feel, it only is. I breath life into it through incessant thought. I can see his face and my father's face as clearly as if they were standing in front of me now.

Death evades perfect timing. When is it ever right? When is the right time? The right way? The "it's OK so here it is" moment? I don't know about you, but death never fits into my plans. I don't have a category slot for it. It never fits in neatly anywhere...

...it takes and it takes and it takes and it takes. It takes so much out of me. I've given so much to it already. So very much. Too much.

I am damn mad. Frankly, the way I feel right now - right at this moment is that it would be much easier to de<con>struct than it will be to construct. Concentration has slipped out of range...

...I had planned to answer some overdue e-mail tonight. If you are waiting to hear from me, I'm afraid you'll have to wait a bit longer than usual.

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