1  2  3  4  5  6 7  8  9  10  11 12  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  27  28  29  30  31

 
June 02, 2002 

Today is the day I pick M up from the airport!

Of course.... I am beyond excited about it. I've been pacing around rather aimlessly in parts, and... in others, I've been going crazy trying to get things done.

I've actually got to the point that I've given up on the idea of getting everything together around here. Can you believe it? But.... I am still freakin' out! < would you, could you expect any less?? >

I went grocery shopping last night, so I'm glad that's over. Today, I'll finish mowing the lawn and doing some miscellaneous stuff.... like more pacing and more work.

I did manage to get 2 coats of paint on the room. Of course, there are a few touch ups to do yet before I take down the scaffold and start on the floor. But... for the next few days, I'm not gonna worry about it.

Waahhhhhhhhhh hoooooooooo!

Talk to ya in a few days, eh?

.

.

.

.

>>>>>> please send good vibes for M's job interview on Tuesday <<<<<<

June 04, 2002

M is at her interview and I am home. I dropped her off at 9:00 a.m. and won't pick her up until 1 p.m. Long interview, eh?

My fingers are crossed that she walks out with a smile on her face and a contract in hand. Right now, I have nervous energy that I believe I caught from her this morning. I need to do something for a few hours other than pace around picking up things around the house, so.... I thought I'd write.

Her plane arrived at the airport Sunday evening at 6:30. According to the flight plan, it was supposed to arrive at 5:30.... so, I ended up waiting for an hour and a half at the airport. Initially though, a plane came in at 5:30 and, I panicked because she hadn't appeared in the stream of passengers. I walked down to the baggage carousal and didn't see her there either. OHMYGOD! What happened? She had called me prior to boarding the plane and all was well. A relief because the first plane she was on was late in leaving the airport and we thought there was a good chance that she would miss the connecting flight and have to take a later one. But, a decent tailwind got them at the destination in plenty of time to catch the flight. Since she had called, I knew everything was alright and I left in the Jeep for the airport. BUT.... since it appeared she wasn't on the plane.... I began to freak out. AND.... to top it off.... when I walked down to the baggage carousel, the flight number she was supposed to be on was on the screen there. WHAT THE....??? She wasn't anywhere. I couldn't have missed her! So.... I ran to the airline ticket counter and tried to get some information.... "sorry, but we can't give out passenger information...." SHIT! I explained the situation to the agent and she punched in something into the computer and said.... "Oh, well.... this flight won't be in until 6:30...." MYGOD! I nearly had a heart attack for nothing! But... I had reasons to be concerned because M was flying alone and she has severe asthma... so, a zillion things went through my mind in minutes. On top of heart palpitations.... I felt like crying.

What a relief... so, I paced the airport some more. Walked around, even stared at things in the airport marketplace and talked to strangers to take up time. Finally, the flight arrived. There she was carrying her backpack wearing jeans and an Old Navy t-shirt. Damn, it was sure good to see her!

Whew!
If I hadn't been driving I would have gone to the bar and downed a double-shot.

Soooooo..... after driving by the house we were going to see the next morning, we get back to my house and I cook dinner while we share a few glasses of wine. After dinner, I go outside and let Tasha out. I've been worrying about this all day. And, in days preceding this moment.

Tasha is a scaredy-dog. She takes a long, long, long time to warm up to people. Unlike her deceased brother Booda, she never greeted visitors. While he'd be your best friend from the minute you extended you hand, she would be 100 yards away observing the situation. Even with people that she has "met" a dozen times, she'll most often be standoffish. Sometimes, she'll even stand back and bark at you for trying to talk to her. If I am there, she's often behind me peeking out at you. And, if she walks by you, she will walk as far away as possible and be sneaking looks at you the whole time. If she feels the slightest bit brave, she will double back and creep up to sniff your ankles from behind. Of course, the moment you acknowledge her doing this, she quickly runs away.

After letting her out, I take a big gulp and open the door to the house. M is sitting at the table and Tasha runs in and jumps up on her and is kissing her face like crazy.

I was stunned! AND then.... like a flash.... Tasha is so freakin' excited that she literally pisses!

I can't believe it. I couldn't believe it! I still can't.

I mean, Tasha gets very excited at times, BUT.... she's never got pissing excited! When my brother and sister's kids come over, she is happy, happy, HAPPY.... but never pissing happy! LOL.... how trippy is that scenario? Trippy to me.

Hell.... I really don't think my damn dog has ever been that happy to see me!

Alright, enough of that.

....moving on....

Yesterday, we met the realtor at the house 6 miles down the road at 10 a.m.

From the pictures we saw of the house, and, from driving by.... we were anticipating the moment. This could be the one. We both felt that way.

Once we got inside the house, it didn't take long to realize that we'd have to put some major money into getting it up to par. Every light fixture was extreme drag queen gaudy and outdated. There was a hideous variety of wallpaper throughout the entire home. Ugh. All of the carpeting needed replacement with the exception of one room - the berber in the family room. Since the house was 3,000+ square feet, that's a ton of rug. Ugh.

The roof didn't look too great. I could see air pockets under some of the shingles and, loads of tar smeared on roof valleys and over the chimney flashing. They claimed the roof was brand damn new in 1999. I doubted the claim. The pool needed about 5,000 dollars worth of repairs. And, the barn outdoors had missing shingles, and, when you stood inside it you could see light in spots through the roof, along with tell-tale water damage to the sheathing. Ugh. Not to mention the barn was full of junk. A smashed and broken down jeep, a snowmobile, and.... a trashed old truck that should have been in a junkyard and was leaking a large pool of tar-like oil.... and, so much miscellaneous junk you could hardly get in the place. Ugh.

The barn was fairly new. It had a traditional gambrel roof ....but, what alarmed me most was that the loft was unusable as storage. Why? Because the nailing plates were 1/4 inch plywood rectangles. The support to the roof was 2 x 4's that were clearly inadequate to carry the stress of not only the roof, but.... certainly would cause collapse if there was a load pulling on what should have been the loft floor. Also, birds were flying out of the missing soffit outside.... and, the rolling big door was damaged and wouldn't close.

Ugh. Work, work and more work. There had also been transitions built on the house that didn't flow properly. Old brick and new brick didn't match as they weaved an addition onto the house.... other additions should have had a step up or a step down into the new, but.... instead had an array of irregular lumps. All the while I'm thinking.... piss poor planning, piss poor contruction. Ugh.

Of course, anything is workable. With money and time, anything can be brought up to par. BUT... in the area in which we were looking.... a 3,000 square foot house is NOT a usual occurrence. The price was not a usual occurrence either. Most homes in the area are half the price and half < or less > the square footage.

If we were to buy this home, it would take every cent we both got from the sale of both of out homes. And then.... not only would we have spent all of our money.... but.... we would have been putting more money into a home that was already waaaaaaaaay out of character for the area.

So what are we gonna do? Hmmmmmm.... looks like we'll be exploring our options.

For one, IF we bought the big house that needed a bunch of work.... we'd have to carry a pricey mortgage for a while - maybe up to 6 months - until my house was completed enough to sell. I wouldn't be able to financially help with that house because I'd be putting money into what I am now living in and, M would have quite a high interest only load to carry on a new mortgage.

Shit.

We were looking at the house at 10:00 and stayed there for what seemed like a few hours. Then, we went out to lunch and drove around and talked and talked and talked.

By 4:30 we were out in my backyard with a measuring tape. Doing what? Easy guess.... the possibility of another addition to the compound. About another 1,000 square feet. M and I had the same thought at the same time.

While M was worried that she didn't want the stress of another building project < me stressing - who ME? LOL > to interfere with our relationship, I was most concerned with living in a construction zone with her asthma and allergies. I wouldn't want to put her health in any danger.

Hmmmmmmm.

Problem solved? Instead of putting the cash from the sale of her home into a different house, we could all live in slightly cramped quarters for a while and contract out the work. Of course, I'd come up with a plan we agree upon and do some things < with her help >.... the major construction - would be performed by a contractor to our specs.

The possible new wing would require a change in landscaping, and... possibly the courtyard ....but.... it would be attached to the existing house by a breeze way. It would be self-contained with its own heating/cooling system. Why? Because that would be far easier than attempting to tie it into the existing system, one which would have to be upgraded to carry the additional living space. The self containment makes the most sense, providing a viable plan could be worked out within the landscape.

Hmmmmm.... I'm thinking that this could work. And, I'm thinking this will have me thinking differently for a time. I'm thinking that this actually makes the most sense, and.... that in the long haul.... we'll have something constructed far better than the monstrosity we looked at yesterday.

This new possibility is something I can live with, and.... M and the boys could live with. In fact, it might be exciting because we could plan it together. It would be what WE want. Plus.... it wouldn't interfere with our main living quarters and... I wouldn't feel personally responsible for doing all of the work. YET... I would feel as if I had enough control over the end product to satisfy my anal tendencies. LOL.

The only reason I did everything myself was because I wanted certain things a certain way and because I couldn't afford to pay other people to do it. If the deed is in both of our names and we use the capital we have to hire a builder, we could end up further ahead in the long run not only financially but.... we end up with a quality home that is truly custom. Plus.... while the brunt of M's belongings reside within the barn... we wouldn't have to hire movers again.

I feel like my brain has exploded.
Possibilities are expanding the freakin' universe.

.

.

.

.

OK.... I'm going back to pacing again.

.

.

.

.

I've got an hour and a half before I pick her up from the job interview.

Same day.... only later....

OK.... so.... the deal is this:

Everything went fine at the interview.... BUT.... we have to wait for 2 weeks < or more or less > for the decision to be made and the paperwork to be drawn up. For all intents and purposes.... the principals at the school were talking to M as if she already had the job - but.... the regional director is the one who makes the final hiring.

So.... we'll wait and see.

June 13, 2002

< insert drum roll here >
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.

M got the job!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
< insert wild applause and cheers of joy here >
.
.
.
.

Of course, we are collectively euphoric! The contract arrived and she completed the paperwork to send back today. Everything is falling right smack into place. The icing on the cake is that the offer exceeded our expectations.

I knew that the moment she called me at work and said, "I heard from Linda today..." followed by, "...are you sitting down?"

Damn frickin' A straight WAHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

WOW! See.... sometimes really, really good things do happen. Add that to my extreme delight over Mike Tyson getting his ass whooped. Unrelated YES.... but I still say YAY!!!!!!!

;^)

So now.... the countdown is on to July 3rd when I fly out to drive back the following week with my family. OHMYGOD!!!!! Of course, I'm flipping freakin' out trying to get things together. But this time, I am trying to do a controlled crazy kind of thing. It seems to be working. Kinda. Sorta. OK then.... Maybe.

Alright.... so it works SOME of the time.

< insert time to regroup here >

The truth is that I am very, very distracted no matter what I do. When I am at the office, I'm thinking about what I need to do at home. I'm thinking about M. About the boys. About the addition. EVERYTHING! I'm on auto-pilot at work.

I know I have a zillion things to do, but.... this weekend I'm gonna relax a little < or try! >. Cass is coming into town and we'll party a bit Saturday night < and catch up on our lives >, and then... on Sunday afternoon I'm going to Mom and Dave's for a cookout. The Father's Day thing I am not thrilled about - BUT... I am doing this for my Mom. Nothing against Dave.... but.... it's just not a good day for me. At least if my Dad was alive, I could drink a few beers with him and laugh at his bullshitting ways. Maybe even shoot his guns and hang out in the barn.

Yep. Some days I miss that asshole < and I say that with fond intent >. But, those days are over. Because for whatever he wasn't.... he was still my Dad. Sometimes it truly bugs the shit out of me that he is gone. There's still this teenie-tiny part of me that is pissed that he offed himself. It's not as immense and hurtful as it once was, but.... things like Father's Day can bring it back. I only wish that I could have saved him from himself.

Next year on Father's Day.... we'll go and do something special with the boys. Maybe go away somewhere on an adventure. They don't have Dads around either. So, it would be a fitting tradition to begin. And, it'll be time for something new and completely different.

Nothing against Dave. He's a good man. He treats my Mom like a Queen. THAT is what I love the most about him. But, I am no substitute for his own kids. Last year they didn't even bother to go see him. Why? I dunno. For Dave's sake.... I hope they show up this year. That is what would really make him the happiest.

OK... gotta run!

There's work to do.

June 18, 2002

Summation: It takes all kinds.

Funny.... but, today it was pointed out to me today by a friend < rather nicely I might add > that I don't talk much about being gay here < damn! did I forget? LOL >. Hmmmmmm.... anyway.... so coincidental was that fact that over the weekend, while I worked < of course >, I was thinking about all things gay. Of course, here I will offer proof AGAIN that not only do I spend way too much time thinking while I am working on projects, but... that I also have moments of intense self-reflection. This is especially true with my new family being right around the corner.

OK... here goes. Some of my thoughts on being gay.

Basic fairness and equity.... that's what I'd prefer over "tolerance."

Oh, sure.... it's just semantics - I know, but..... really. Tolerance sounds like you have to tolerate something unpleasant.... like me and my gayness is something you must put up with. Really? Am I and and other people like me that damn bad? Is my sexuality so in-your-face and threatening that you must endure it? Are you suffering because I am content with myself and know who I am? Is it actually that menacing? Am I part of an evil clan? Isn't it true that it rubs off? Should I be happy and content knowing that you know this about me and you can stomach it? Like.... just cut away all of the God-awful ugly parts and look what you have left! Yeah LOOK. You have reduced me to pieces. You can handle me in parts. The all together package is what gives some of you trouble, isn't it? Or, is it your own perverted thoughts about sexuality that are coloring your dimly lit viewpoint?

The truth is, I don't see other people's problems as my own. Therefore if you have a problem with me and my gay factor... I see it as YOUR problem. Yet, I have a grand measure of compassion for people who are suffering.... including those who are self-induced sufferers. Although my graduated compassion table begins with a teary eyed "oh...poor, poor baby" < giant hugs >...at the other end it runs to, "well... too bad for you then." To me, that is still compassion. My depth of feeling, no matter how graduated, is not at all based on YES I am. I simply feel because I am. Yet, you could say there's nothing particularly simple about it. Because there isn't. In its multifaceted beauty, it shines.

I sometimes have to tolerate the bad manners of strangers and plain-out rude heterosexual people. Now that I am past tolerating their blatant heterosexuality, I must deal with this. How much more is there? Rest assured there is plenty. But, the sexuality of a rude person isn't what is foremost on my mind. Hmmm. Come to think of it, it isn't even a close second. Welllll.... wait a minute.... OK. Admittedly, if you were one of "us" I might feel a little weird because we already have enough to deal with. We don't need any more shit. Straighten up.... errrr.... umm.... I mean, knock it off.

Of course, I can understand people not "understanding" homosexuality.... even though for the most part... I don't feel there is anything to "get." How can I say that? Because there are many differences we have that can be viewed as either points of interest and/or points of contention. Do we have to try and understand everything? I don't think we do. Why? Because I, for one.... I don't understand accountants. And, guess what? I don't want to. Is that wrong? Hmmmm.... I don't think so. It's my choice. I let them be.

And, speaking of choice....

....homosexuality is NOT a choice. It's not like robbing a bank or deciding on dinner. It's not like OK.... so I'm gonna be a homo! Yay!!!!! Whew.... I finally made the choice!!!!!! Oh, I feel sooooo much better! Yeah. And, I made a choice to be different than the majority so that I can say I belong to such an elite group of people that everyone respects and admires! Wow! Damn! This is sooooo cool! I can't wait to spend the rest of my life periodically having to tell people about "my little secret!" This will be sooooo fun! Plus, think of what a blast it'll be dealing with intermittent religious zealots who claim God is their co-pilot while they shout scripture and proclaim your deviance while forgetting they shouldn't be so judgmental! And, OH.... the plain old hatred from random people and places! And, think of all the times you'll be privy to hear ignorant comments made in your presence by those unaware! Yeeeee ha! Not to mention the same-sex people who might feel as if you are coming onto them just by coming out with the truth!

Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love my life and I do know who I am. I am as queer as the day is long - which, of course means that I am much more queer in the summer when the daylight is extended. BUT.... I know this and I've made peace with myself. This is no angst ridden queer you are dealing with here. PLUS... I can tell you that it is NOT a necessary requirement to harbor cats in order to be a gay woman. Neither is it a prerequisite to have a closet full of flannel, Indigo Girls CD's, a trucker's wallet on a chain or.... a masculine haircut and/or swagger.... rainbows plastered all over the place including your car.... or, whatever "they" say says gay. Hmmmmm.... should I worry that I don't have stereotypical credentials? Don't you worry, I don't. And, I won't. I am whatever I am.... and, YES.... I am. I am no less gay because I don't spend much time banging a great big gay gong. If you do or if you don't.... that's up to you. It's fine by me if you do. Or, if you don't. Hell.... I'll still talk to you if you wear flannel, have a butch haircut and a trucker's wallet and are holding a cat while you listen to the Indigo Girls.

Fact is, I don't think much about HOW to be gay because I am so OK with just being who I am. I don't even think about WHY I am gay, I only know I am. It's like a non-issue for me. But... over the weekend, I confess I was thinking about it. I had gay thoughts.... but then, if I am GAY... wouldn't most of my thoughts be GAY, too? Hmmmmmm.... nevermind. I see I could get easily off track and roll with this one. OK - OK - OK.... so WHY? WHY was I thinking about being gay? Alright then.... I'll tell ya....

.... that would be because .... there's a little part of me that got thinking and felt slightly anxious about the future and having 2 boys living who will be living in a family that is "different." I don't want them to ever feel like they are somehow less because of it. I want them to feel more because they have love and feel love, and live in a very supportive environment.... I want them to learn and grow and enjoy being kids while they are on the road to adulthood. I want them to grow into loving, responsible adults. Loving adults who have an appreciation of differences. Loving adults who are multifarious in their thinking as well as in their interests and abilities. I want the best for them together and as individuals.

While I wouldn't prefer the gay/lesbian/homosexual thing to ever be an issue... when it comes to two women raising 2 boys, eventually... it will be in one form or another. Both M and I know that. Our main concern will always be in protecting the children from the bias/ignorance/hatred in any way/shape/form. Not that life will be sugarcoated.... it can't be.... it won't be.... but... we'll go with the flow and we'll cross the bridges when they appear along the road - and, you can bet that they will.

The upcoming years will be interesting. Life is about to take a huge turn!

Waaahooooooo! Hold on... we're going for a ride!

As for life, expect the usual hills and valleys. A few holes thrown in for good measure. Unexpected good things, too. And, those damn rainbow bridges.

.

.

.

.
Such is life.

Endnote: I wouldn't want it any other way.

June 22, 2002

LOL ... alright... I've calmed down considerably and, after reading the vitriolic entry above.... I'm laughing my ass off at how damn defensive it sounds. And, so it stands. While I don't normally feel defensive about my sexuality, apparently.... when it comes to the kids I do to the nth degree. I'd really hate to be the first homophobe to cross my path between the kids and I... ;^). Hmmmmm.... apparently my Mothering instincts have kicked in and, well.... I am a bitch.... hehehee!

OK.... a BIGGER bitch.

Now.... onto some other things:
Friday morning I drove to work in the Jeep with the top flipped back. I got about 5 miles away from the house when rain began to pour down! Of course, I got wet and was laughing out loud as I pulled off the road and put the top up. Then, after driving a few blocks in the rain - it was dry again.

Wow. The weatherman was effectively doing his job Friday a.m. when he said that rain would be hit and miss. I didn't believe a word he said based on his recent forecast record. But.... lo and behold.... this morning he was onto something. Surprise, surprise. A gold star for him.

So.... after reaching my destination, I had some trouble getting the key in the damn door and getting into the office. I'm thinking.... "if this is any indication of what the day will be like then..." Fortunately, after 2 cups of coffee, everything went fine.

Work is going as planned at home. Of course I have completely thrown the idea of getting everything done I'd like because, ummm.... that never happens. Only in my dreams. But, I did get the floor in last weekend and the bed is now set up in the new room! And, THAT was, by far, the biggest damn deal. Sure.... it bugs me that I didn't get the trim done - but, I've decided I could live with it for now. I didn't have the materials or the time to complete that task.... and once M gets her belongings packed into the barn, it's unlikely that I will be out there running the planer and the router - OR.... buying ANY more materials. At least not until we can reclaim the space.

This weekend I've got plenty of work on the agenda. Some patching and painting, last minute organizing and general "OHMYFREAKIN'GAWD THEY ARE ALMOST HERE" preparedness.... and right now, I can't remember everything I need/want to do....

.... not to worry though, the minute I get away from this desk I will be confronted with the entire scene. Then, of course, I won't know what in the hell to do first. I don't have a particular course of action.... as my thoughts are all over the map. And, that remains the problem. Too many different things that need to be done and only one me. But, if I am looking at this objectively.... that has been an ongoing problem. It's nothing new. Same old shit, blah - blah - bleh!

In between things I did manage to draw up the first rough draft of the addition. I'll be taking it to AZ to show M. The addition will be 32x40, and with a basement, it will add 2,560 sq. ft. to the house. When completed the damn house will be just over 4000 sq. feet!!! HOLYSHIT, eh? LOL

The coolest aspect of the addition is that it will greatly enlarge the courtyard area. THAT will be the central focus of the plan. The most painful aspect is that I will have to disinter two of my pets. Yes. You read that right.... I have to dig up old boy Crash who died in February and bury him elsewhere. Ewwww. I am NOT looking forward to doing that, but.... on the other hand, I can't imagine him being dug up by an excavating crew.
To add further horror to the thought of digging up the old boy, I didn't wrap him up when I buried him. And... he was a big dog. Now, how much Crown will it take to do the deed? I dunno. But, it'll probably take some major liquid courage to do it. As much as I hate the thought of doing this, for whatever the reason, it wouldn't seem right if I didn't do it myself. As for the other dog buried there nearby.... she was tiny and died several years ago.... and, she was wrapped in a quilt. I'm not so worried about that one even though I'd rather not disturb her. That one shouldn't be as difficult.

OK.... back to the grindstone.

OH.... WAIT!!!!!!

Something else:

Last night I let Tasha out before going to bed. She was outside longer than usual, so I called out to her. Seconds later, she pushed the door open with her head hanging low and I heard a clunk.

Hmmmmm.... something was rolling on the floor in the dark....

....what the?

As I bent over to pick it up it was cold and wet.

It was an unopened can of Busch Light beer.

I laughed out loud. Took the beer, put it on the counter and told her what a good girl she was. Would you like a treat? Well, of course! So, I handed her a few dog bones as she sat nicely waiting, wagging her tail across the floor.

Beer in hand, I thanked her.

And, just as I was about to put it into the fridge, I held it out to her and said....

.... but, Tasha.... next time, could you please get me a Killians?

 
 

---

. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . .