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March 4, 2001

Sunday.

I didn't even know the date today. I had to check...

I confess that I like it when I lose track of time. Sometimes anyway.

Not being tethered to a schedule is nice. Yet... there are times when plain ol' forgetting is pleasurable too. Yep. Forgetting. Hmmmmmm.... aside from this date, I can't remember exactly the last time this happened. Huh. Guess I forgot that, too.

Does that matter?  Is this a pattern? Are we keeping track? Should I be writing this down somewhere? OHMYGOD! If I were a hypochondriac, I might worry that this may be the onset of a disease or a brain tumor. Maybe Alzheimers. Could I be the first diagnosed patient that has that human version of the mad cow stuff?

Welllll...... HUH????

Oh... hell, I forgot AGAIN....

.... I'm not a hypochondriac.... never mind.
It was just a "what if" scenario. Do I have to spell it out?

And, about today's date and the forgetting it thing - BONUS! I did know the day of the week. Does it matter I knew because I saw the hefty Sunday Papers stacked up at the store when Alex and I arrived? Does it matter that we were on an all-important trip to buy milk to make cappuccino with? Hmmmm... as you can see, I didn't forget I wanted caffeine. So... what's up with that? I remember I want caffeine and I don't care what the date it is.  THE DATE DOESN'T MATTER.

I want caffeine.
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On all dates, preferably.

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Now just where in the hell have I been?

I've been right here.

Wellllll.... not right here because I wasn't at the keyboard, but - I was in the vicinity. Major Tom to ground control.... everything is A-OK.

And... if you ARE paying attention to the dates.... you'll notice that I haven't been writing much.

No excuses. Just haven't taken the time to do it.... despite the fact that time has been a predominate thought lately.

Don't remember dates, but, time is important, eh? How in the hell can THAT be?

It is. For obvious reasons time has taken on an expanded meaning.

My recent time thoughts:
Tick-tock. What time is it? I have to call M at 9:30. How long will it take to get this done? When do I have to be there? How much time can I get off work? How long would it take to drive to Arizona? How can I see her sooner? How long have we been on the phone? < what time can I call you again? > How long will it take the paint to dry? How long will it take to build the courtyard gate? When did they say they were coming over? How much time will pass before I can move? When will I ever learn? How much time will Tasha need to recover from her spaying? How much time do I have left? Remember that time when...

 --------------------- tick-tock --- tick-tock --- tick-tock --- tick-tock --- tick-tock ---------------------

TIME. I don't have time to say anymore about it.

Time-is-a-wasting.
 
 

--------------- end of rant ---------------- and onto something else:

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S     C     A     T     T     E     R     E     D

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Scattered I am. Can't you tell?

I've got plenty to think about. I noticed that my thoughts are all over the map some days. I'm thinking about a bunch of different things at the same time. Those neurons are super charged and zinging around like mad. Like a bunch of raving lunatics. My thoughts are out of control.

When I begin to think:
If I were one of those court reporters, I could be writing all this stuff down. OK - most of it anyway. As it stands I'm missing some good parts. Waaaaaah. If only I could type faster. And... faster. Yes. Ummmm.... fast would be good. Fast would be damn good. Not in that fast-food kinda way fast... but, in that the job would accurately reflect a true picture of what in the hell is going on here inside my head.

Yeah. So... how about that TV show with Dan "what's the frequency Kenneth" Rather... you know - " 48 Hours. " How about them tagging along with my thoughts? Could you take it? Would it convince you that you don't need therapy? Could you have a miracle healing? Could you be scared out of your wits? Could it allow you to recall who you really are? Do you enjoy listening in on people? Are you a voyeur?

Hmmmmmm. I'd say you are. You are a voyeur.

If only in the literal sense.

Hmmmmmm.... am I judging you for that? Am I making a big damn deal out of it? Are you crying?

If you are crying.... then I also think you are quite dramatic.

But, enough about you. Back to my thoughts....

or.... on with them - depending on your depth of perception.

So I was thinking...
It's been a damn long time since I've been fishing. Wonder what they catch in the river around the bend. Probably nothing you could keep. Another throw away society parallel? Huh. Most likely a catch and release thing. Or, the catch and release a dying fish trick. It's cold and windy today. Where is that damn flat edge shovel? I wonder whatever happened to my Sista's parakeet. She said she thought it was dying and then I never heard anything about it. Wonder what the temperature will be tomorrow? What in the world did I do with the flashlight? Take the garbage out. Look at those cobwebs. Make a mental note. In the meantime, try to see their beauty. Quickly conclude you can't. The dryer stopped. I don't think I remembered to lock my car doors. Do the dogs have enough water? Throw away that old food in the refrigerator. Take the lettuce out to the composter. Check the fridge first. What is the heat on? A hot bubble bath sounds good. Why couldn't I have been taller? I wonder when my Uncle will croak. Did I get the mail yesterday? Check the due dates on the bills. I wonder when I'll get my pictures back from developing? Did I shut that window in the wing? Why aren't fairies that work at night real? Is there a ....

....OHMY! Look at the time!!

I've gotta run. This is the appointed time I talk to M....

....I've yet to lose track of that.
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What goes around comes around.  So much for:

--------------- end of time related rant ----------------
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There will always be time for:
 

 --------- and onto something else: ---------

March 5, 2001

Monday. All damn day.

While Tuesday is my Monday at the office, I hope you made it through your day intact. Today, I'm mentally gearing up for my four consecutive 10 hour days.

I haven't been watching the news or reading the paper lately, so, I made a cappuccino and sat at the desk and decided to read the news.

There has been another shooting at a school near San Diego, California by a student today. As it stands now, 2 are dead and 13 are wounded. A student who witnessed the incident said the shooter was smiling as he fired the shots. The suspect is now in custody. Fucking punk. No doubt, more people will begin thinking seriously about home schooling given this violent trend.

Today, the U.S. Supreme Court rules that the KKK can adopt-a-highway in Missouri along Interstate 55.What the fuck is up with that? How can a government make laws regarding hate crimes, yet sanction a hate group such as the KKK. That's total bullshit if you ask me < even though you didn't >. Personally, I don't believe a group such as the KKK should be given any civil rights. Especially since they aren't civil to begin with. How damn stupid is that? We won't allow same sex marriages civil rights because it is viewed as special rights - an assumed violation of the sanctity of heterosexual marriage... but, we allow the KKK to adopt-a-highway? And... on a route that is used to bus black students to integrate a school in St. Louis? Isn't that special rights? Is that not fucked up? As for same sex marriage... if two people love each other, why in the hell can't that be sanctioned? Is it then a special right reserved only for heterosexuals? And.... as for people who think same sex couples marrying will destroy the sanctity of marriage - let's look at the divorce rate. I'd say heterosexuals have already done a damn good job at undermining the value of that as it is. I could go on, but - I'll stop here. As you could imagine... I could easily get on a roll with this shit.

OK. That's enough of the news. I've heard enough. I've had enough.

My cappuccino has been consumed and I'm going back to more adventures in housecleaning.

So much for a damn break.

March 7, 2001

- - - - a change of pace within this space - -

Welcome to the sanctuary of the mad handyma'am... we turn the lights down, light the candles upon the altar, and, prepare for the evangelistic decree. The choir's swaying floor length robes glisten gold in the light, as they collectively hum a liturgical melody in the background.

Good evening. Tonight I will attempt to speak about people, not all people - but, a specific type of person. Myself being the focus because I'm always around. Around myself anyway. I make no claim to know you let alone to judge you. In this light, it is hard to even see you, therefore, I speak for myself from this exalted position and I do not expect or assume the backing of the entire congregation. I could not ask that of you because it would be difficult to get even 3 of us to agree to the items on a pizza, so... it is a given that some of you just won't get it.

Moving right along...

...I'm not what you'd call a high maintenance person. I don't assume that you aren't my friend if I haven't heard from you or seen you in a while. Or... even if you haven't called in a time. Frankly, I just don't think that way. Generally... I assume that you are busy living your life. I don't take it personally. I don't assume that I did something wrong or said something wrong.... so, if I did, I won't know unless you tell me.  I don't assume to upset people.  Therefore, if you are ticked off at me for whatever the reason, and, I know NOTHING about it... how can you stay mad at me? If I feel that I offended you, of course, I would WANT to talk about it... providing I know. So, it's safe to say that if I have said nothing... you can suspect I am entirely unaware. Blissfully unaware. In other words - I don't care if I'm unaware. While it would be nice if you were upfront... don't feel like you have to change for me.

My independent nature can allow me appear aloof. Aloof as in distant, not as in arrogant.I've heard this a couple of times, so... I have to lend some credence to the observation. I'm definitely a nonconformist. A little eccentric even.... I can certainly buy that. I don't try to go along with the crowd any more than I specifically try to go against it... so, big damn deal.  Apparently, what comes natural to me is quite unnatural where many people are concerned. It's OK. I can live with it. I have been. Besides, it would be a cheap imitation if I attempted to be anyone else.

I've got incredibly high expectations for myself, but, I have very few expectations for others. What others choose to do has always been an uncertainty where I am concerned. I mean, how in the hell do I know what you are thinking? How do I know - really know - what you will do? Or, what you should do? And... how do I know what is best for you? The fact is that I don't. And, I try not to box people in by laying my ideas of how they should be living their lives according to me. Of course, this is not to say that I don't have my own opinions... of course I do < like you didn't know THAT >. But... what I am saying is that I will not and do not give certain types of opinions or thoughts to others freely.  While some people are always saying stuff like, "If I were you I'd.... < fill in the blank >" and statements in a similar vein, you won't be hearing that from me. You might have heard about my reluctance to dispense that type of advice before. I wouldn't doubt it. I feel strongly about that. BUT... if you were my girlfriend.... wellllllllll.... then you would be privy to practically every thought I have. Hmmmmmmmm.... come to think of it, if that were the case, you might be very damn sorry.... ;^)

I believe in giving people freedom. I believe that mainly because it works for me. Freedom of thought, action and all of the ensuing consequences attached. Responsibility has it's liabilities. As a person who is self-directed and propelled by internal inertia, I find it odd that some people are always trying to get into a codependent scenario. Especially odd, because it never seems to work for them anyway. At least, not the way they want it to. It's never satisfying in the long haul. It's always a disappointment because you never get what you want. It's much safer to expect nothing and get whatever. It's easier to accept than it is to assume. I can accept you as you are... even if you are fucked up and I think you are a jerk. That's just the way it is. Reality baby. No illusion here - if that's who you are then that's who you are. Better you than me.

Not that I think you are a jerk, but - if you are... hey, it's OK by me. That shit doesn' t rub off. From my end of the spectrum, it can actually be very amusing.

While I like being able to depend on people, that seems to have been more of an idea I've had about life as opposed to reality. Why? Because, for the most part, I've been involved with people who are codependent. These same people like me at first and then detest me later because I don't play into the game. They don't get what they want and are unhappy. Of course, according to them most of the time, this is my fault. It doesn't help matters that once this attitude arises I purposely distance myself. My motto then may as well be, "you are on your own because I don't have time for this." And, I don't. Shoo-fly... shoo.

I really don't care to get bogged down by bullshit perpetrated by people if I can help it. I mean, the real life things in life are one thing, but - so many people have a way of concocting shit in their lives that they, in turn, wanna bitch about.  Waaaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaah. Poor me stuff. The kind of stuff that you can never be sorry enough for. At least not as sorry as they feel for themselves. To that I say, "get thine sorry ass away from me." Of course... I'm polite so I don't say this out loud. But... I'm thinking it. And... this is where I distance myself. I don't have that type of energy to give to a spirit-sapping black hole. And, it's not because I am not a giving person. I am. It's just that if you are the type of person who wants to feed off my energy, welllllllllll... I'd rather not play into your lost cause. If and when I do, it will invariably leave me feeling drained. To protect myself, I will avoid you in the future. Out of sight because you are out of your mind.

If you have a real problem < big or small >... a crisis even... then, by all means, talk to me. I have a compassionate soul and would be willing to help you in any way that I can. My sensitivities may not always be on the surface for others to see, yet... they are there. I won't tell you what to do, although, I may draw a direction out of you without actually giving you a recommendation. How? By pointing out the possibilities I can see without pointing you in a specific direction. Because I believe, for the most part... deep down... somewhere within ourselves... we already know. We have the answers.

And... to conclude my sermon for the day, I leave you with this:

Some of you are in your own hell... which is what I call the heavenly farther. Look within or you may always be without.

Amen.

March 12, 2001

Spent a good part of the weekend cleaning. Deep cleaning.

New mode: new focus: new life. I like it! As for the cleaning part - wellllll.... it's a start. I'm never without work or the potential for it.

I took Friday off because the pups got fixed Thursday morning and I wanted to keep an eye on ‘em < they are doing great >.  Also... this was a two-for-one maneuver because Cass had the day off and I helped her move to her new apartment. After a few trips back and forth - she's all moved in!

Finally... I have the place to myself. As a result, I'm cleaning house and doing some mental assessments. It's the inauguration of my life reorganization... all without smashing a champagne bottle across my nose to induct this phase of being. There's no reason for this transition to be painful because what I am feeling begs to differ. I feel joy.

Yes I do. I feel joy. Predominately anyway... BUT... there is this  l i t t l e  annoying part of me that is feeling bad because M and I can't be together at the moment. I miss her soooooooooooo damn much. In fact, it wouldn't take much to get very whiny about the entire situation, if I chose to dwell on it... but - I won't. I'm working towards the reality of us together. Until then, I will have to live within the confines and torture of this separation.

I recently got all my pictures back from the trip to Arizona. Damn. Seeing those pictures allowed me to feel wonderful as well as they made me hurt. I miss them...

Waaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

Now, back to the predominate joy part... yeah. Let's talk about that.... well... I am happy that I know where I am going with my life... I have a goal. Actually, many goals. Why? Because I have tons of little goals along the way... every detail accomplished here at the house gets me one step closer to the big picture. And therein lies my problem... I need to focus. I need to pay attention to the little goals in the overall scheme of things. BUT, sometimes... I like instant results - or - the IDEA of instant results. You know.... I wanna jump straight to the big picture. When everything is done and I'm off to find a new life.

Clearly, in my mind.... the cart is before the horse. It's that way because I am preoccupied mentally. All I can think about is them. Even when I do think about something else, it's rather fleeting... because, somehow - it all goes back to them again. Those thoughts are what go around and what come around. And around, and around, and, back around again.

If it was any other incessant thought, it might really piss me off.

But... thinking about them feels good even though it makes me want to be there NOW.

Hmmmmmm... "somehow I will live" is my new mantra.

March 17, 2001

Oh, I know.... I haven't been writing much lately. I had thought about it and thinking about it was as far as I got.

This week was a long one at the office - 48 hours... and, I'm glad it's over. Today I am home working around the house, and, as evidenced here... taking some time out to write.

I spent some time last night moving a bookshelf and going though a collection of books - deciding what to keep and what to get rid of.  What I'm getting rid of is sitting in a big pile on top of the bar in the wing. My brother will be coming over tonight, and, I know that he'll want to haul some of these books back home. Whatever I'm left with will end up in a rummage sale, or, at the flea market if Gail and I decide to rent a spot for the day.

I'm sure I've mentioned previously that I've amassed an extensive reference library of how-to-do-it / troubleshooting / fix-it books. The best ones I am keeping. These books have taught me how to do things I could have never imagined doing, and, they've saved me a ton of money in the process. While some people would be too afraid to attempt many of the things I've done, I can't say that I thought about any of it until I was faced with it. It wasn't like I said when I was a kid when asked what I wanted to do when I grow up: ummmmm... let's see... ooooh, I know! I want to buy a dumpy house and rebuild it.

I can attribute the books for most everything I've learned when it comes to handyma'am activities. The books coupled with my determination built this place. Literacy and sheer will can be a powerful duo. I'll be keeping the best of my reference books because I'm tossing around the idea in my head about starting a handyma'am business once I relocate... but, I'll save my thoughts on that for another day.

The time spent working and building this house was an incredibly productive phase of my life. Yet, I don't think leaving this place will be that hard for me. In my mind, I'm already somewhat detached from it. That in itself is an entirely acceptable yet unexpected happening.

And to think, I thought I'd never leave here. It makes me think I shouldn't have wasted my time thinking. Then... I wonder, just how in the hell do you shut it off? Hmmmm... I've never learned that. For me, it may be impossible.

Anyway, as I'm going through the house cleaning and rearranging, I'm simultaneously culling things from the pack. Separating things that I don't need or want to eventually haul across the states when I eventually move 2,000 miles away. I can't believe how much stuff I have. And, even after everything has been sifted - I'll probably end up parting with more once I see the size of the final pile.

This place has also been a shelter for anguish as well as my housing. Over the last four years in particular, it has been a sanctuary for heartache as I pushed myself to work harder and harder. In retrospect, I wonder if I was trying to separate myself from the pain of a dysfunctional relationship with Laura as well as the sorrow I felt over the suicides and death in general. The memories of my sadness, shock and trying to work it through are still here because I am still here. Getting away from this will be like getting away from those memories. Although they'll never leave me completely, I won't be here among the evidence. GOODGOD... I remember exactly how I felt inside while I worked on certain aspects of this project. I can look at a wall and recall how hollow I felt inside when I installed a piece of drywall... and hundreds of other little things just like that. I'd rather not remember those things, but, I do.

On the flip side, I have been feeling internally happy and content lately < despite missing M and contemplating all the finish work on the house >. And, I'm happy to report that since my return from Arizona, I've been sleeping sooooooo much better. That's in itself is an astonishing fact for this insomniac. I can only hope it lasts. I'm getting the best sleep I've had in years. It's about time. Still... I can hardly believe it.

Tonight is party night with the family. While I won't be drinking any green beer, I will be drinking some Killian's Irish Red beer. I won't be overdoing it though... because I'd rather not be green in the morning.

March 18, 2001

Sunday in the church of the garage the tornado hit. Seriously though.. < imagine that? >, I probably should be praying because I have a long, long road ahead of me before I can get out of this place. The workload alone is daunting, but, I am determined to see this through. I am beyond bullheaded at times. No doubt.  I readily admit it.

On Saturday afternoon I took the Mitsubishi Eclipse out of the garage.
I hadn't started it since last year when I put it in the garage for winter. Surprise! It started right up. So, I couldn't stand it and took it down the road a few miles. Damn... did it ever feel good to be in that car again. It is very fun to drive, and, it was no surprise to look down at the speedometer and see the needle on 75 within seconds. The biggest surprise is that I haven't had a speeding ticket since I got the car. Hmmmm... I suppose there is still time for that.

There are some cars that want to be driven fast. The Eclipse is one of them. I contemplated selling it this summer, but, all I needed to do was drive it a few miles to realize I am not ready to part with it. Providing I can keep the lead foot under control, I won't regret the decision. Besides, it's paid for and gets great gas mileage. While I have entertained the thought of buying a new truck, I guess I'll wait. Having a new set of payments and higher insurance isn't what I need now anyway. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you want. In this instance, if I got what I wanted and bought a new truck, the payments and higher insurance would piss me off. So... if getting what you want pisses you off - don't do it.

The choice is clear. There is no choice.
 

March 19, 2001

Since I began assessing the messy mass of goods in the garage, I'm left wondering just where in the hell did all this shit come from?  You could fit 4 cars in this garage and I'd say half of it is taken up by piles of lumber, leftover tiles, shingles, insulation, fencing...  and miscellaneous visual debris in the form of: ladders, camp chairs, gardening implements, camping stuff, an 8 foot section of wood picket fencing, a couple of wood doors, window screens... and God-knows-what-else. I took a deep breath after looking at it and headed for the Outback - trash bags in hand.

There was a huge mess in the Outback Inn created by none other than those innocent looking puppies. Put it this way.... I'll be damn happy when they get past the teething stage. They have chewed on nearly everything they could reach that was made of wood. Everything that has a corner or a ledge has been gnawed on. The wood steps used to reach the loft, the edges of several chairs, the edge of the hearth and more. But... the mess wasn't from that gnawing... it was from one of those roll away fold-up and push-on-rollers type of spare beds. Twin size with a canvas mattress with blue ticking. It was ripped to shreds. The Outback looked like a gigantic gerbil house. Pieces of wadding from the mattress padding EVERYWHERE. Various dimensions from a cotton ball to the size of your fist.

Tasha and Booda. The cause and effect duo. They eat, they shit, they rip things up. When they aren't doing that they are slurping water... play fighting... jumping... rolling in the dirt... and then some. How do I love thee? Let me examine my head. Must be the 2% of the time they are looking cute and being good. It could be that they are tired and not trying to be good at all. That could be very true.

Now they have a new talent. Stealing items from the neighbors yard and bringing them back home.
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Damn I love my dogs.

March 21, 2001

Another hump day Wednesday. Made it through 10 hours at the office. Napster was down... so I found a substitute: WinMX. For those of you who are in the know, it works much like Napster does. Although, after using it for a few hours, I declare it's better than the Napster interface. For one, for files that don't completely download on the first try, you can pick up where you left off when downloading it again. AND - you can also exchange video and pictures along with MP3's.

Go ahead and shut down Napster. There will be many a clone to take the place of it. Neither the music industry or the court can abolish it now. File sharing has taken on a life of its own. The only way to exterminate it now is to obliterate the entire Internet.That ain't gonna happen. Wellllll... that is.... unless we have a cross-country power grid failure. A rolling blackout across the country. Then again, if we did - how long would THAT last? Hmmmm.... I'd say it would be temporary at best. Albeit a major annoyance to the web addicts, it would only amount to hours of irritation. It's doubtful that it would result in any noticeable reduction in the cost of electricity.

Damn it. THAT realization makes me want to throw away the UTILITIES in the Monopoly game.

Oh... don't worry. I'll try to restrain myself. But... the virtual utility companies have been aggravating me and a lot of other people recently as it is.

Read the news lately?
Hoof and mouth disease threaten to taint the global cattle herd. Cows are mad - but, THAT isn't why. Stocks drop along with interest rates. Mir plunges toward the earth, hopefully, to hit the Pacific Ocean in lieu of a land mass. Impact on Friday. Nothing small either. Certainly not space marbles or even rocks. According to the sci-tech news: 30 tons of debris, including some pieces the size of an automobile, are expected to smack into the earth. 1:45 EST Friday a.m. - so, it would probably be a good idea to be sleeping if a big chunk of this junk is intended to be your demise. Unless you are the sort who would like to see it coming so you can attempt to dodge it. If you do that... you may as well try some liquid courage in conjunction with it. That is, if reading the news hasn't already driven you to drink. I can only read so much of it, and, so often. The majority of it is entirely depressing.

BLAH.

So, what else?
I've got a fair share of e-mail to answer. Sometimes it's allowed to pile up and it then becomes mentally added to the other piles. It sits on the TO DO list. Complete neglect on my part. I haven't made the time to do it because I've been busy doing other stuff away from the pixel box,  except when I am at the office. I've been stuck to it like glue at work lately. I hardly feel like logging on when I'm home. Even though... I COULD have answered e-mail tonight - but, if I did, I wouldn't be writing in the journal. My conscience tells me that I haven't been writing much here as it is. It's true.

I'll get to the mail this weekend over a cappuccino. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten!

I went to Mom and Dave's for dinner tonight after work. Mom called me at the office before noon. Roast chicken and salad. Some talk about my eventual moving away. I think my Mom is trying to condition herself to the idea of me leaving. That's OK. I understand her. A part of her will hate to see me go and another part of her is very happy for me. When it comes to my Mom, I feel very much the same way. But... it's OK. It'll all be OK. I know she is safe and happy with Dave. That is what means the most to me. If my Mom didn't have him, it would be much harder for me to leave the area. But, she does have him. And... I figure if I can be half as happy as SHE is, I'll leave this world a happy handyma'am. And, I'd say that the odds are with me on this one. Obviously, I wouldn't be doing something so drastic in my life if I didn't truly believe in it. While I may be crazy... that is still a far cry from being completely insane.

Because I AM still here, it looks like I'll soon be helping Mom and Dave with a project made for the handyma'am. They are doing a remodeling job and requested my assistance. Probably another month from now.... I'll be sure to chronicle it when it happens.

There aren't too many things that can tear me away from the work on my own house... Mom is one of the few.

If I didn't feel so damn lucky, I'd be hoping that Mir thing would smash into my house.
Hit it "just so,"you know?
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Just so I got out.  Just so I wouldn't have to finish all this frickin' work.

March 22, 2001

Ahhhhhh.... for whatever the reason, it feels like Friday today. Only difference is that I know it isn't. Nevertheless.... I have that feeling. You know, that sassy Friday sort of attitude... the one in which you can envision yourself staying up half the night and sleeping in < at least until the sun comes up > - but - then again, it could be spring fever. Whatever it is, it's still Thursday and I have to get up for frickin' work tomorrow < hmmmmmm.... what if my alarm mysteriously malfunctions? >. Since I must get up for the office and retain some modicum of functionality - it is imperative that I should behave as if it is Thursday.... which shouldn't be hard because it is.... but, it will be a bit strenuous because I have that damn Friday thing going on and on inside my head. I CAN'T TURN IT OFF. It's like a stupid simple song going through your head.

Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday.

I'd truly like to go home and make a cappuccino, maybe even 2. Yet.... I do not dare because it is Thursday. Hmmmm..... I'm actually beginning to feel a bit pissed off about it now.  Pissed off because my internal self screams Friday...

Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday Friday.

Oh shit! It's the seething hormonal effect magnified by sunny skies.

Hormones. Those insidious Thursday bastards.

wellllll HUH....
Haven't heard JACK SHIT from Cass since she moved her ass out. Hmmmmmm.... WHY?

Because she owes me money.

And.... because she owes me money - I may not hear from her. WHY? Because some people are just like that. I'm certain you know, or, have known one or more of them.

Frankly, I don't get it. I mean.... I've always had a damn conscience and, I've always been responsible and paid my bills. I wouldn't feel very good about myself if I didn't. I take pride in being responsible. Personally speaking < and that's actually the only way I can speak >, I would feel like a complete piece of shit if I acted that way towards a friend, a co-worker, a family member, or, even an acquaintance. I simply couldn't and wouldn't do that. And... it's not like I actually expect everyone to think like I do, BUT - I do expect some decency of character - like personal integrity for instance. Or... maybe I "suppose" it until you prove me wrong. Anyway... I think that certain traits say a lot about a person. Yet, because I halfway expect it - it doesn't mean it's in the forecast when it comes to other people.

The larger issue here in this situation is that -  it isn't even the money part that bothers me the most. I mean, it's not like I couldn't use the money....of course I could.... but, it's the fact that I thought she was my friend. Now that hurts me. That makes me feel sad. AND - that fucks with my "trust" issues. I mean, sometimes you want to believe things about people and, wellllll.... it turns out that it just ain't so.

What makes this harder for me to understand is that I cannot imagine being her... I mean, what the fuck are you thinking? Or, is it indicative of NOT thinking?

I am a big believer in karma.

Before and shortly after she moved, she balked about paying me rent. It completely pissed me off. Then, it pissed me off even more after she moved and called me wanting to come into my house while I wasn't here and use the computer. I left her a message saying that she knew she owed me money - and, that I didn't want her in my house when I wasn't home, she could come by when I was here. Welllllll.... THAT ticked her off. So... a few days later she left me a snotty message saying something to the effect of "... I'm not Laura and I didn't say I wouldn't pay you - I'll send you a check....." SOOOOOOOOOOO that pissed me off again - and I left her another message saying, "I don't recall ever referring to you as Laura... but, please send the key back with the check."

Days went by. No check. No key.

THEN - last Friday I talked to her, and, I told her to forget about paying me the rent < I shouldn't have because she was getting ready to go out to the bar, but I did anyway... >- BUT... she HAD to pay me for the phone bill she racked up. After I said I "may as well write off the rent," she got snotty and said... "welllllll if THAT'S how you feel about it I'd just as soon pay you..."

6 Days have went by since then.
No check.  No key.  No explanation.  Nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.

Responsible? Reliable? Perhaps she overlooked it???? I don't think so.... it looks more like your basic disregard.

If I were another human being I might haul her ass off into court. I have proof in this open and shut case - but - lucky for her I'm not. Apparently she hasn't learned that "don't burn your bridges" lesson yet.

As for me... well... this incidence hasn't tarnished the collective human condition... but, it is a disillusion where she is concerned. I'm aware that I was more than generous and fair when it came to Cass... I didn't charge her much for rent, and, I gave her a bunch of stuff to furnish her apartment with. It made me happy to do that. I didn't do that so that I could say I did it, or, so I could get something in return, OR - so I could tell other people and "look good"...... I did it because I wanted to. I wanted to help her out because I genuinely cared about her and her well being. In fact, if I had it to do all over again, I would not change my actions. AND... in the future, should I decide to do something for another person - this incident will not affect that either.

While that might make me a "sucker" in some people's eyes....  I felt I did the right thing even though I am left feeling disappointed. It isn't a reflection on anyone else but her.

Your deeds reflect your spirit.

Hmmmmmm.... right now my spirit is a little pissed off, but - I have no intention to carry out any more energy on it, other than to express myself by writing.

Although I can acknowledge that there is that nasty little part of me that would like to be there when the karma snaps her square in the ass.

So be it.

Yes. This entry is becoming a little like a play with three acts. While I didn't expect to write this much, there are times when I sit down at the keyboard and I never know where it'll ultimately take me < or you for that matter >.

I'm very happy about the prospects of the future with M and the 2 boys.  In the meantime, we are still burning up the phone lines on a regular basis, and - an irregular basis because last night I called her in the middle of the night. The bully dogs woke me up barking like crazy. It was probably a rabbit that had them all atwitter. They roused all the dogs in the neighborhood into a combined barkfest. I went out and yelled at them, and flashed ‘em with the flashlight. Although it appeared to be effective, the truth is, it probably scared the rabbit away they were going nuts over. But - back to the phone... lucky me... M was awake after letting her dogs out. We talked for a little while and DAMN!!!! I can't adequately express how much I miss her.

But... you do what you gotta do. That's exactly what I am doing. Or, it's what I'm trying to do.

SHIT! It will be over 100 days until I lay eyes on them again. WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

At least I can take solace in the fact we have found each other. But... it sure will be nice to be able to talk to her again without having my hand up to my ear < one of us could end up with an permanent disfigurement because of this >. And, it'll be damn nice to look into her eyes... and to see her laughing in person again, too. Yep!

We laugh a lot on the phone. We laughed a lot in person. But - damn it!!!!!! This ain't funny! Yet... laughing is good. And, having reasons to laugh is better. Seems there are plenty of reasons around to stifle laughter < oh shit... here comes Mir.... duck quick!! >.

Yeah. It's easy to get caught up in things and ignore your blessings....

....but, as far as M is concerned... now there's a blessing I can count.

March 23, 2001 -  9:25 p.m.

Moments ago, I hung up the phone. It was Cass.

We were on the phone a good 20 minutes and not a single thing was said about the check, the key or anything. She wanted to chat. It was the, "how are you doing - what have you been doing - and how's everybody else " call. Hmmmmm.... that would appear to be superficial, but, it wasn't - even though I remained slightly animated above a monotone demeanor.

I am feeling a tiny bit strange at the moment as I type. Like I'm in the twilight zone. Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention that there are some other issues here... and, I hadn't mentioned them previously because Cass was here and, .... well.... she ummmm.... she didn't want me to talk about it.

Hmmmm. I kind of hate that I allowed that to happen, but.... I did. I had wanted to write about this, but... I also feel like I should also have some respect for what other people want. It's a thin and precarious line that is drawn here sometimes. A teeter totter situation. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

While I'm not attempting to try and piss anyone off by writing here, on the other hand, it is my journal. If you're in my life, you might not like something here as it is, and, you might like it far less if it was something about you. Especially if I wrote that something when I felt angry. Even though I don't stay mad long... the words here are still here when I'm long past it. And, when I'm past it... it might not mean much to me although - it could mean a lot to you.

When I'm spouting off I can be caustic, just plain bitchy or, sarcastic. When I'm feeling good I can range anywhere from this off the wall silly self to the bouncy, smiling happy day weirdo.... along with all things in-between. Other times I am deadly serious < oh, shut up.... it's rare but it does happen >. What I am getting at is this: that I don't feel the same all the time AND, that life isn't the same all the time either. BUT... some things I do feel the same about at the core of my foundation. The writing varies from time to time because it's based on real life. And, like real life... I don't feel the same on any given day < so - then maybe the problem is that I am writing this journal in the first place >.

Moving along... I don't expect you to think like I do anymore than I expect you to agree with me. That's perfectly fine with me < because I don't agree with you >. It's fine because you aren't me. And... you are fine as you are < remember... it's ME who has the problem ;^)  >... I truly don't want to change a thing about you < unless you are hurting yourself >. But... I don't think twice about changing something to accommodate your needs < I'm pretty sure that isn't good >.

In the literary sense I'd love to be able to have that latitude to write about everything important to me, the things I am thinking about the most are the easiest to write about. But then again, when there are other people involved... it becomes bigger than you. That's quite natural. Still.... I'd love to have that freedom to unleash all of my thoughts, feelings and observations without self censure. Sometimes.... it seems it can't be helped.

So here's where I let it out... what prompted the last several paragraphs of dialogue in the first place.... you know,  the stuff about Cass I didn't write about. Hmmmm... so where do I launch into this?

Here:
Cass has an eating disorder. She's has bulimia.

That's right. From what I gathered during the conversation was that it has escalated. She makes herself throw up now as much as 6 times a day.

Now that's why I'm left feeling sick to my stomach. I'm worried that this will kill her.

The cold hard fact is that it could very well kill her. How am I supposed to feel about that? Of course, I'm worried about it... yet... I know that I can't do anything to prevent another persons choices in life. Still... I think it's like a slow suicidal thing to be doing what she's doing. Especially since she is aware of the consequences.

In real life, I'm not exactly known to mince my words < most of the time >. You might have guessed that. And, Cass and I have had many conversations about the bulimia thing... but, the truth is that what it comes down to - despite my concern is that I cannot relate to it at all. "Whattaya mean you make yourself throw up?" How gross is that? "Why can't you stop?"

I don't get it even though I've read all about it. She can't just stop. Clearly, she needs to get some help. Seeing a counselor once a month isn't enough.

What I'm left wondering is, is this disorder a modern day thing? I mean, were some of our founding fathers and mothers secretly puking? Going back further - were Neanderthals bulimic? Did they get up and swing their heads outside the cave opening to barf in the weeds? Or... is this thing a result of a society that continually tells women through the media and fashion industry that they have to be stick-thin and look like some heroin addict to be "perfect." Is this solely a low self esteem thing based on "not being good enough," or, not "feeling good enough?" Is it self hatred? An attention getter? A death wish? Or... is it a combination of all things?

While I may not understand all things, this being one of them - I know that:

Damn it. I can't do anything about it. I haven't the power to "fix" anyone. Yet... it doesn't stop me from feeling like I wish I knew what to do. It doesn't stop me from worrying. It's hard to care about someone who is on what looks like a mission of destruction. It's hard because they don't seem to actually care about themselves.

Life isn't always pretty. This is one of the ugly things.

I don't get it.
 

March 26, 2001

Morning
I didn't answer any e-mail this past weekend. The computer exhibited some temperamental behavior early on and I decided I'd work on some things in the house. Eventually, I'll get to it.

It's great when you have a weekend where you feel like you actually accomplished some things. That was the kind of weekend I had.

Today I am washing the walls and ceiling in the living room in preparation to paint. I've got a few more areas to patch yet and the plan is to paint this coming weekend.

Over the weekend I installed some drywall in the kitchen and finished installing some tongue and groove pine along a wall next to the stove. All I can say about that is - if it's been a while since you've cleaned under your stove... get up, pull it away from the wall and get ready to gag. I haven't figured out how all the dirt and greasy film gets under there but it's a loathsome mess. I can hardly wait to pull the refrigerator out.

Afternoon
Wouldn't you know it... at 2:30 in the afternoon and I'm already painting. Just a little brush work before I can use the roller this weekend. A lot of brush work really. About 3 inches of paint on each inside corner, and, where the wall meets the ceiling.  I should be able to complete the brush work by Friday evening if I do a little each night without working too hard. Then... I'll be ready to get out the roller by Friday night.

My Mom came over a little after noon today. She works not far from where I live and she makes occasional visits on Mondays. We were standing out in the wing talking about all of the work left to be done on the house when there was a knock at the door. I look out the peephole and see a bald head. So, I open the door and the short bald guy smiled < he looked a little like Popeye >, reached around the corner and thrust a flower delivery into my hand. A thank you from me and a you're welcome from him and he's quickly on his way.

Wow. My girlfriend sent me flowers! A dozen red roses. It's not even my birthday.

A card attached said:

I'm smiling. My Mom is smiling. We ooooooo and ahhhhhh while we admire the 12 perfect long-stemmed roses when my Mom says, "gee... Dave brought me a flower today before I came over... but, he only brought me one!" Seems Dave dumped over a quart of paint on himself and the living room carpet yesterday afternoon - so, he brought my Mom a flower. I wondered to myself if she shouldn't have got a flower for him over that... ;^) ...

...anyway, this is the 3rd time that M has sent me a dozen Roses.

It feels wonderful but a little strange to me to be treated so well.  She's nicer to me than anyone I have known. It's certainly not something I am used to. I'm not sure that it's something I could ever truly get used to... but, damn... I can truly appreciate her. She's definitely a keeper!

And, while love may not be "just looking at each other," I'd sure like to be looking at her now.

I'm happy today. I'm getting some more work done and I have the most wonderful girlfriend...

...life is good. Not perfect, but - damn good.

March 30, 2001

So.... it's Friday. And... unlike last week... I woke up thinking that it was Thursday. That was my first surprise of the day... finding out that it was actually Friday.

No wonder the garbage collector didn't pick up my trash... it's all making sense now... ;^)

I had some weird dreams last night. While I can't remember all of them - what I do remember was enough. In one of my dreams Michelle and I bought a grocery store. Not to sell groceries, but < of all things > - we bought it to live in. Now imagine the remodeling you'd have to do to live in that! The store and shelves were empty and I remember thinking that I liked the wide open space we'd have. AND - if we closed off the ends of two aisles - welllllllllll... check out that closet space we'd have will ya?!

Last night I went home and put the paper shredder I got for Christmas through a genuine workout. If it was ever going to overheat and die - last night would have been it. Seeing the giant trash bags filled with shredded material, it looks as if I had been cleaning up the mess from a medium sized parade. And... after hours of shredding and sorting - I'm not done yet. There's more to do tonight when I get there.

I saved everything. If it was paper, I saved it. Utility bills, statements from: credit cards, the cable TV company, water bills, letters, notes, lists & etc.  There is no reason to have these things dating back to 1988. None at all. While I sorted through things, I pulled out receipts from building supply stores, and, various people I'd hired over the years. I can't believe the money I've put into this place over time... I doubt that I'll be brave enough to start adding it all up. Maybe I don't want to know. The thought scares me.

Of course, today I found it necessary to spend more money on the house. So, at noon I opted out of lunch to run out to the local super-sized home improvement place and then on to another... neither of which had what I was looking for. And what was I looking for? A specific color and type of paint. Porch and floor paint. I ended up finding 1 of the 2 paints that I wanted at a paint store on the way back to the office.  A store I didn't know existed. A store I only went to because my boss told me about it on the way out the door. I guess that makes me half-assed lucky then.

What I noticed most about this lunchtime venture < combined with the annoying traffic >, was that I didn't recognize half of the new stores that seemingly sprung up out of nowhere. That seemed odd. Here I was in what should be familiar surroundings and I didn't recognize things. I felt like a stranger.

Here I am in traffic gawking at the new businesses along the road. I didn't even know these things were here. I found it to be rather visually irritating. Every store seemed to be in competition to get your attention. The roads I drove on had been widened from 2 lanes to 4 and 5. When did they do this? OHMYGOD!

I don't like much in the way of new stuff. Wellllllll.... some stuff ya gotta have new. Like food. You don't want old stuff. And, paint. Old stuff doesn't work there either. But... all that cheap stuff? All that furniture that isn't actually entirely wood... all things plastic... all the junky throw-away stuff? All that schlocky crap.

Hell. I'd rather have a few good things than a heap-load of cheap stuff. There's another example of the love/hate thing I've got going with commercialism in general < oh... but what about that dream of living in the grocery store? > .

Yep. Here in America we sure like our damn stuff. I'm even more anti-stuff lately since I'm downsizing and sorting and getting rid of my stuff. That explains why I'm having a little snit about it. Don't pay any attention to it. After all... you do have your own problems don't you?

Ahhhhhh.... now about this weekend.... as it stands now, the plan is to continue the purge quest, miscellaneous organization, laundry & general housekeeping along with painting. Since I last wrote, I managed to get a coat of paint on the entire living room. What I'll be doing this weekend entails the second coat.

In between these domestic activities, I'll be playing with the dogs and doing a bit of yard work while I'm outside. The dogs don't care as long as I'm out there. They like just hanging around me - even if I am in the midst of another mission. They don't bitch, whine or complain about it at all... so we 3 hang out like were in a pack. They are both into this whole smiling thing < very  w i d e  toothy grins >, which is vastly amusing to me - so.... I am always polite and smile back. I'm not sure they know they know this or, care. Anyway, come tomorrow, I'll probably be raking or something. Most likely, I'll be adding fuel to what will be the first bonfire of the season. If I'm not doing that, I might be cleaning up the dog kennel and the Outback. They trash the place on a regular basis. And, while there is something very adorable about puppies - this behavior isn't it. Not even when they possess the most stellar smiles.

I've been very, very productive lately. It feels great to be accomplishing so many things. I'm getting back in the groove. I am damn happy about it. It feels good....but.. damn it! I STILL have e-mail to answer! < GET OUT THE WHIP... > I'll get to it... I promise. In the meantime, feel free to send me an e-mail slap. Ummmm.... no - no - no.... wait! Not a slap.... as I really don't like to be hit. How about a flogging with words alone? < I've not yet been berated via electronic means - you can be the first! >

I rather enjoy working my ass off. I suppose that isn't a startling conclusion. Hmmmm... guess there is no conclusion where work is concerned. I'm certain that's true.

One of these days I'll get some rest....

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....like when I'm dead.

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