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May 2, 2002

The day was dreary as I stood on the stoop near the door overlooking the parking lot at the office today. The sky was an overcast mix that resembled dirty snow and it was misting a fine non-aerosol spray. The wind would wrap around the corner of the brick building and throw my hair across my face in a predictable but sneaky swipe more than once. The sound of the traffic buffered by the swaying bushes was overridden by birds that sounded happier than they should be given the weather.

I had to get out of that basement and unchain myself from the machine that has become such an integral part of life.... the computer. The magic box that takes me to places created especially for this electronic wonderland. The thing that allows me to create this journal. The thing I love to hate. The thing that has given me such exquisite joy and taught me to reach for new lows in supplemental angst. Another creation sometimes touted to make our lives easier.

The computer. The damn computer. It's like an unruly friend.

My thoughts turn to M. I feel a smile attempt to possess me as warmth crept across my being.

Life is good. Inside my mind's eye, the sky doesn't look dreary at all.

I stood silent on the stoop with my thoughts along with my unruly hair that kept at least one hand busy preening. So much is happening. But the moment was frozen. Suddenly I felt somber. Like something was wrong. Not with me.... but.... one of those fleeting feelings that filch your thoughts. Now what in the hell was THAT about? Hmmmmmmmm..... I've no explanation. It felt like someone was in trouble. Or, something was going on. I don't know. I don't know why that even came into mind.

The feeling was so incredibly glaring due to the fact that I am feeling very happy as of late. It sort of slapped my heart like the wind whipped my hair. I really do not know what that was about. But, put that on a backdrop that isn't the proper scene and it's weird. It's just plain weird.

I'd be fine if that kind of stuff never happened again. But, I know that would be wishing for too much. It would be unrealistic.

But... some unknown thing seemed to sit on the back of my neck for most of the day. The uncomfortable feelings snuck in and out. I don't know what in the hell that's about.... BUT.... it can stop anytime. Anytime.

I hate that when that happens. And... I dislike it more for coming out of nowhere.

Life has been moving along in near light speed. Things ARE good.

M put her house on the market. In less than 24 hours it was sold! The closing will be June 26 . We'll be leaving town on July 7th.... the 8th at the latest. The movers will come after we leave. M is hoping her brother can be there for that... and, that her sister can clean the house some after they get everything out.

Yeah. We'll be well on our way to a new life soon. I am looking forward to bringing them home with me. To their new, but temporary home.

We've been looking at some houses on the net. I drove by a few of them. The first one is 6 miles east of me. EXACTLY 6 miles. On the same road and on the same side of the road.

The house sits on 2.30 acres and is next to a Lippizan Horse Farm. I drove by it Saturday morning with Tasha in the Jeep. Poor Tasha must have been thinking we were going to the vet because she sat there shaking once she knew we weren't going right back home from the store.

The house is big. Over 3000 square feet. 4 bedrooms and 3 full bathrooms. 2 fireplaces and a wood burner. An attached 2 car garage along with a separate 32' x 24' barn. And... a huge in-ground swimming pool - 20 x 40 foot. One of the most amazing things is that the master bedroom is 23 x 15! When I measured that out in my house... I had to laugh. It's a damn suite. I could easily chase her there.

I haven't seen the inside of the house. Just what was on the net and doing a drive by. OK... a pull in the driveway and back out drive by. Of course, straightaway I see that the fascia board would need immediate replacement. The existing one is cut with a jigsaw in what would be called a "decorative" fashion, but.... what I would call "firewood" pure and simple. It looked like frickin' rick-rack.... and who in the hell actually ever liked that shit anyway?

If I didn't make myself clear, I am sometimes a bit fussy when it comes to construction. There are limitations. Anything that cramps my senses when I first look at it will, more than likely, annoy me in the long run rather than grow on me. Trust me. It's a damn curse. The curse of the renovation mind set. I didn't ask for that either.

The other house I drove by was sitting in the woods about 3 miles from here.

The pictures of it are gorgeous, but, in reality.... the neighborhood really sucked. The moment I saw the neighbor guy standing in the front yard with a dingy T shirt that showed a sliver of his enormous gut, I thought... "oooooooohhh... this IS the place for me." I did NOT. Oddly... it wasn't warm enough to be showing skin like that. Unless of course, he was getting some heat from that bottle in his hand.

Perhaps he should be utilizing those thermal units he was storing to clean up his yard. Maybe pick up that old radiator that is abandoned there on the lawn. Or, take that pile of broken up stuff to a landfill or something. Do something. Wash up maybe. Don't just gawk at me gawking at this house.

Sheesh. As for houses... something will come up there for us. But.... that one is being excised from the list. The street is simply a little lane drive off a bumpy country road. One way in and one way out. I don't want to see that guy coming and going. And, it ain't because I'm not neighborly. But I'm telling ya, this guy was the type that you just KNOW you'd be seeing his ass crack.

< other stuff >

The drywall is here. Finally.

On Monday, I spent the morning waiting for the drywall to be delivered. At 11:45 I called them. What happened to my morning delivery?

They had no record of it.

After talking with at least 4 people at the store, I finally get connected to a woman who says she can help me. After talking to her 4 different times, and waiting for her to call back... she can't find anything. AND... of course, I didn't write down the name of the guy I spoke with. But, I had enough information for her to investigate the problem.

Finally... she called back again and thought maybe I had spoke to someone named "Aaron".... a guy who was just fired for doing exactly what had happened to me. So... they are going to get the order delivered here later today. She said the schedule is tight - but, they'll get it out.

This sucks because I had planned to be working on it that afternoon. But.... how many times now have I had to switch gears due to things like this? It certainly wasn't the first time. In fact, it's not all that surprising really. Human error has aggravated me more than once. It's like buying something and finding out that a critical part is missing and you can't use whatever it is. So...YES... I was slightly annoyed and disappointed. Yet, there are plenty of other things to do. All is not lost. Well... OK... a half a day of drywalling was lost. Let's not fool ourselves.

Yep... it's back to that old adage again... things don't always go as planned. That is actually a standard byline of whole house renovation. Maybe of life itself, in parts anyway.

I am hoping that things DO go as planned on Saturday. Mom and Dave are coming out with Sista's kids and I'm gonna be drywalling or, sheetrocking if you prefer. Having Dave there to lend a hand in putting rock on the ceiling will be great. All he'll have to do is hold it in place while I get a few screws in it. Figuring the cuts is the most tedious task, otherwise, drywall goes along pretty quick. Especially when you have help.

The plan is that I'm gonna kick some ass working this weekend. And, in the days I have that follow. I am determined to get as much done as humanly possible and... take a few breaks here and there, too. I am getting my house prepared for my new family to arrive.

Whatever sleep I lose or muscles that ache will be so completely worth it.

Feel the burn.

Feel it.

May 15, 2002

Contrary to rumors.... I have not fallen off the face of the earth...
As should be expected, I have been very, very busy. As busy as busy can get kinda busy. Busy away from here busy. Trust me - damn busy.

I've been quite diligent with the drywall project. I tried to ignore everything else as I worked away. So far that seems to have worked. A little too well I am afraid. I am now becoming annoyed by the fact I've ignored practically everything else while working on this.

I cannot win. I set myself up every damn time.

Oh, well.

The dust bowl
If I could produce a strong gust of wind in the house... it might help. But, it would have to be 50 mph or more. Instead, I'll have to manually wipe down the entire house and mop the drywall dust from the floors. The justification in ignoring it up to this point is that any attempt to control this now is equal to chasing your tail. Of course... that chasing your tail thing could be amusing for a moment ...but, entirely ineffective. It would be fun but... dumb. Yet, sometimes I need things like that. Just not lately. Too bad for me for not having much fun. Waaaaahhhhhhh wahhhhhhhhhhhh wahhhh.

Dedication hurts.

Yet, I can vouch for the fact that mudding and texturing the walls and cathedral ceiling is much more fun than hanging rock.

Pay the price
OK... so when I am not paying homage to the scaffold and the ladder... or, paying bills, or... trying to pay attention to Tasha, or... trying to pay attention at work... I am sleeping. This leaves a measured amount of time to do that. So... this is one way that a continual lack of sleep fits right into the tight schedule.

Pity party
No invitation necessary. Just tether yourself to an insufferable workload that YOU created and you're well on your way. Pay for vehicle repairs and property taxes with your credit card. Oh.... and building materials, too. Charge everything and worry about it later. NO... wait. Get really, really mad about it first. Wait until you feel total exhaustion and then.... take a break from what you are doing and look at your bills. Then and only then can you feel totally justified to bitch about it. Poor you. Look what you did to yourself. Don't worry. It's OK to cry. It really is.

But.... make sure that you share your bitchfest with your girlfriend. You know.... the one that is packing up all of her belongings, two kids, and selling her house to move 2,000 miles away to be with you. Wellllllllll..... you selfish wench! Like she doesn't already have enough to deal with...

...LOL.

Assessments
Alright. So.... I've been working my ass off but it's still there. I've tried laughing it off today as well but, so far.... nothing has been particularly effective. Every damn time I turn around there that son.of.a.bitch is.

Walking
Left the office this morning for a walk in the neighborhood. I must not be getting out much because one of the first things I notice is the full leaves on all of the maple trees. Then, I notice cheap light fixtures on relatively expensive houses. The air is nearly as brisk as my walk. Someone is getting new shingles on their house. Three guys are sitting on the roof. None of them are working, but... they are talking about work. Doesn't that count? Perfect chemically induced green green lawns. Unnatural white landscape rocks. New cars and retired folks. Concrete and lots of it. City squirrels. My shadow as I strut down the sidewalk, disappearing in the shadows of the maples. As I walk back up to the building, I feel like a groundhog that just saw its shadow.

Anticipation
Part of the reason I have thrown myself completely into overdrive is due to the fact that I am going to spend a few days with M much earlier than I had expected. She had a job interview on the phone last week and they want to meet with her in person. Wahooo!!! Sooooooooo..... I'll be picking her up from the airport < sans kids > the evening of Sunday June 2 ....and, I'll be taking her back to the airport on Wednesday June 5. Now do I have to say how utterly excited I am about THAT??? ;^)

Excited.

Cramming
This is a test.... for the next 2 weeks you will work as hard as possible so that you can have a few days with your girlfriend. Then, you will cram as much as possible into the few days you have together. You might work some while she is at the school.... but... you also may spend that time praying and pacing that she walks out with a smile on her face and a contract in tow. You'll also go and check out that house down the road you've been eyeing, and, any others that happen to come up... if they do.

Mostly though... you just want to be near her.

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Then, after she leaves... you'll start kicking ass again.

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Hmmmmmmmm........... looks like a plan to me.

May 20, 2002

Monday. My day off that isn't a day off.

Worked hard over the last two days. I'm making progress on the room, but - I can never do enough. There is still a ton of mudding to do. I'm texturing the walls. Skip troweling with a 5 inch blade. The entire room including the ceiling. Seems you have to go over everything at least 3 times, and... put in extra time on corners, angles and miscellaneous details.

My Mom called me on the phone yesterday afternoon. Prior to picking it up and saying "hello" I was thinking that this project is going very, very slow. One of the first things Mom asks is, "...do you have the room done yet?" And then, when I say NO... she says, "well, what are you doing? How much is left?"

How can I answer that? I can't. There isn't a way to measure the percentage. I'm further along today than I was yesterday. Progress seems slow, but.... I've been steadily working. Besides.... I've been looking at this every damn day. It's hard to gauge my progress.

It'll get done. I'm dancing as fast as I can.

Alright.... back to the work area.

Tomorrow, while I'm at the office for 10 hours..... at least I can sit down.

May 24, 2002

Memorial weekend! Will it be a be a weekend to remember? Or, will it simply be another weekend in which I toil away.

Hmmmmmmm...... I guess we shall see.

I have a wedding to go to tomorrow. Mom's husband Dave - his son is getting married. While I have met his 6' 5" son.... I haven't met his wife to be yet.

The wedding should be interesting to say the least. Finally, I get to meet Dave's younger brother Stephen who is a well known regional artist. And, his wife is also an artist. I've seen their work < which is quite impressive > but, I've never had the pleasure of meeting them.

Other than meeting Stephen and his wife, I really have no desire to be there. My sister and I both have tried a wide variety of ways to wriggle out of this event, but.... Mom isn't having it. So, we have to do this because Mom wants us there. Mom wants us to support Dave, and, probably to be there to support her because Dave's ex wife will be there, too. Sometimes you have to do things you'd rather not do to support others. This is one of them.

The bride and groom are young and both work at a major department store where they met. Not the best jobs. The bride-to-be doesn't drive due to an small accident she was in when she first got her license. She refuses to get behind the wheel. The groom-to-be carts her around.

Since they have low paying jobs and can't afford a place of their own, they will start off their marriage by living with the bride's parents. The brides 17 year old brother also lives at home, along with something like 7 dogs < ! > that are in the house. And.... if you don't think that sounds like a good place to start off a new life.... then get this:

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They will all live in a mobile home. No... not a double-wide. A regular old 14 x 70 trailer.

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It sounds doomed to me.

May 25, 2002

I survived the wedding and the reception but, I couldn't wait to get home and ditch the pantyhose.

Ahhhhhhhhh.... freedom.

The reception was held at a township hall deep in the country. The predominate scene: farm fields and farm houses all around. Accessible via a rolling country road. Paved yet lumpy.

The brides clan were clearly country folk. Hard working kinfolk with a few ironclad rednecks thrown in.

The bride hobbled around all day. Why? Well, the trailer they live in is a few doors down from the hall, and she fell walking home after decorating with the bridal party. Apparently, there was a dip in the pavement and she fell and ended up with a severe ankle sprain. She managed to smile for pictures but otherwise had a grimace throughout the day. Bummer.

I spoke with some interesting people throughout the night. Here's a rundown of two of the more colorful people:

A skinny guy Larry with huge ears who commutes 1,000 miles a week for work. He's a chemist at a spice/flavor corporation. Every 18 days, he gets his oil changed. His last car had 280,000 miles on it before he bought a used '92 Buick. He claimed he never did anything to the high mileage car except change the oil. He said it never even had a tune up. So.... this might be a good time to recall the last time you had an oil change. Larry also told me where I could look him up if I was ever in town. Just go to the one bar there and you'll find him by the pool table. He'll buy ya a drink. Of course, that's when he isn't busy driving. He walks to the bar on the weekends. They probably wondered where he was tonight. But... I suppose there was still time for him to show up there. His connection to the wedding: His wife works at the veterinarian's office that the bride's parents frequent.

Then, there's Mike. A nice guy with a friendly demeanor and a perfectly trimmed goatee. He hasn't worked in two years. Why? Because he was working as an electrician's apprentice doing a 4 hour commute and he was involved in a car accident coming back home. The last thing he remembered was turning on the road he lived on. Then, nearly 2 weeks later he wakes up in the hospital all busted up. Arm broke in 2 places, deep gash in other arm, and... the bone between his knee and ankle on one leg was busted in 3 places. Apparently, the car he was driving in t-boned another car after driving through a stop sign. The accident killed the driver of the other car, but spared the life of two children inside. After the accident and partway into his recovery process, his wife left him for another man. They are now divorced with two kids. The ex is still with the same guy and they are on friendly terms in the interest of the children. His connection to the wedding: Mike is currently seeing a woman who is in the bridal party. The one with the curly brown hair. The one who smiles a lot.

I should have been a reporter. Sometimes people talk to me... really talk.

Not like you. You always write. But.... I am imagining you actually saying the words. Doesn't that count for anything?

May 29, 2002

Yo!

Back at the office where I can finally sit down after a long, long weekend of a little fun and a lot of work.

I’m happy to report that I have a coat of paint on the walls and ceiling in the room and... the new soft top has been installed on the Jeep. The flip-top looks great. Gotta love that.

Whew.

And today.... there was ANOTHER huge load of trash curbside waiting for the trash truck to rescue it. I now feel personally responsible for quite a portion of our county refuse. They have a pile of trash and I have my little hill of guilt.

Of course.... there is still plenty to do.

The room needs another coat of paint, some detailing and THEN.... maybe then.... maybe soon.... I can take down the damn scaffold and put it in storage. I'm tired of looking at it. Tired of climbing on it and, tired of yanking it around the room. But.... it sure comes in handy when I need it. It beats standing on a ladder and working on a cathedral ceiling. It beats the ladder all together. I'll be on it again before I leave this place. Bet on it.

There will always be something to do. No matter where I go. Work follows me. I must like the sheer torture of it. Oh, but that amount of agony has its rewards. Doesn't it? I mean, if I sit down for a minute.... I can really appreciate the effort. Hmmmmm.... I'm gonna have to make it a point to sit down here somewhere other than at the monitor very soon.

I can hardly believe that I'll be seeing M again soon! Sunday evening is NOT that far away. Put in 2 more 10 hour days and I'll have Saturday and part of Sunday. Not much time. But.... it's OK.... it's fine.... I will do what I can up until I pick her up from the airport.... then.... forget it. I'm taking a few days off so I can spend some QT with my girlfriend.

< can you tell I am trying NOT to go crazy???? >

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