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November 1, 2000

Today sucked. I felt quite depressed and somewhat lethargic most of the day. Actually, I felt pretty good this morning  - but, things went down the hill from there.

I hate feeling like I'm flip-flopping all over the place. Feeling fine one minute and crying the next. Yet this road is a familiar one and I know that it is normal to feel abnormal after a suicide.

I went to visit my Aunt and Uncle this afternoon and spent a good part of the day there. There were pictures of my cousin all over the house. You could feel him there.

My Aunt seems to be doing OK and she insisted that she fix me something to eat. My Uncle, well... I'd have to say I am worried about him. His health hasn't been good to begin with and after losing his son I worry that he'll take the same course. He has so many guns already, and he told me today that he was getting the gun back from the police that his son killed himself with.  I don't like that idea at all.

When he was out of the room, I mentioned my concerns about him to my Aunt and she said that she is worried about him, too. In fact, she doesn't want him to be alone for that very reason. She told me that yesterday he said, "maybe I should just shoot myself so I can go and be with him." Hearing this from her is disturbing. While it may end his pain, it wouldn't do a damn thing for any of the rest of us.

Quite frankly, if it happened... I'm not sure I'd be that surprised. His journey through the shock and grief has only begun. I know for myself that after my Father's suicide it took me at least 3 months to truly begin dealing with it. My initial concern was for everyone else around me. But I know that everyone deals with things differently... and from talking to him today, it looks like he jumped straight into the well of anger.

I'm heading off for the office tomorrow. It's been a few weeks since I've been there. I know that there is a ton of work sitting on my desk so at least I'll be busy. The unfortunate aspect of this is that no matter how busy I am... somehow, I manage to think about everything anyway.

Time may heal our wounds, but... this time has reopened some of mine that run deep. Suicide leaves one hell of a scar on the living.

November 2, 2000 - evening

Looks like I've almost made it through another day... and the first day back to the office after my vacation. The Thursday that was my big Monday.

I arrived at the office in the dark this morning to find that I was the sole occupant in the building. After unlocking several doors and hitting the lights, I make my way to the basement. My home away from home. The stack of work on my desk wasn't any bigger than I expected. THAT was a relief.

Although I thought about my cousin throughout the day, I managed to accomplish everything I had to prepare for another big Friday meeting - with a whole 15 minutes to spare. Then, I cut out and headed to the store to pick up a birthday card and a present for my 10 year old nephew. There was a birthday party at sista's place for him. He got a bunch of presents... a new game for the Playstation, a Harry Potter book, some clothes, a new silver bike, a drawing set, money... and I can't remember what else - except that there was more. Looks like he's well on the way to stuff and more stuff! < makes me feel the need to purge some of my stuff... >

So... after several hours of hanging with the fam, I sit here and type. Wide awake. Funny because when I was there I thought I was getting tired at like 7 o'clock. Although, it could have been the residual crash from the tiny slice of sugary birthday cake I consumed. I don't eat cake often. Now that I think of it, I only eat it on birthdays. Maybe I eat it only to be polite because I don't really like it. I've never craved it. Hmmmmm. So... I guess it's safe to say that you can have your cake and eat it, too. I'd never wrestle you for it.

Of course, knowing I am going into the office tomorrow virtually guarantees very little sleep. I'm not tired and I should be. A nearly predictable occurrence.

The alarm clock will go off at 5:30.... I might fly out of bed or hit the snooze button a few times and drag myself away. Depends I suppose. On what? Simple. Depends on what I feel like doing when the time comes... even though I'm leaning heavily toward the snooze button smack.

Yeah. I'm a clock whacker at times. Now you know.

November 3, 2000

looks like it's P day

Puppies
Thanks to Jen a.k.a. ZOOWARDEN for guessing the new puppies were Pitbulls! And wouldn't you figure someone by the name of ZOOWARDEN would know this sort of thing?

Politics
The presidential elections are just around the corner... and, avid readers of this journal already know I'm backing the Gore side of the ticket. Why? Well... to answer this question I'll refer to a quote from Cher... that's right. CHER. The one and only. Not that I generally go around quoting her BUT now I do believe she and I have similar brain waves when it comes to this subject... here goes, this is what she said:

"Has everyone lost their f--king minds? Doesn't anybody remember the illustrious Reagan-Bush years when people had no money and no jobs? What has happened to people's memories? It's like they have Alzheimer's or something."

Ha. So there. And she's even delayed the recording of a new album so she could campaign against G. W. Bush. You go! Yes! Gore/Lieberman... I hope they get in. I'd feel much safer with those two birds there rather than that Bush.

As for the elections in general... I'll be glad when it's over. I'm sick and tired of the local campaigns, the TV ads, the signs... well... all of it. You probably are, too.

Pissed off people
Can you believe that I'm NOT talking about myself? Nope. I'm not.

When I went through the drive-thru at the bank after leaving work, I made my transaction, exited and was about to make a right hand turn. The driveway is near an intersection to my left. I'm sitting there and this Blazer type vehicle smacks into the back of a car stopped at a red light.

The guy in the Blazer jumps out and starts beating on the door and window of the car in front of him after trying to open the door. The guy inside wasn't getting out. The crazy guy was screaming and kicking the guy's car, "you mother f**ker... get your ass out you punk... I'll beat your sonofabitchin' ass... I have a billy club and a crowbar... come on..." and on and on... so I grab my cel phone and the guy sees me and starts running in my direction! I peeled out of the driveway when I noticed another driver in a car making a call that was sitting behind the crazy guy when the other guy took off... then the guy ran back to his vehicle and began pursuing the guy he hit.

Some people are plain old nuts. Right in broad daylight with plenty of witnesses... hopefully nothing further will come of it.

Patience
I'm trying to be patient with myself as I go through another round of shock/grief and general mourning regarding a suicide. I will have bad days and I will have good days. Today was a good day considering the last week.

Prayers
If you pray... feel free to add my family to the list. I'm certain that we can use all the prayers we can get.

November 5, 2000

Sunday. Activity filled day. Sunny, too. Spent the majority of the day outside. Managed to get a bunch of stuff I'd been putting off done. After yesterday I needed to accomplish something.

Saturday was the kind of day that was blase for me. Unusual. I felt as if I had very little inertia to do anything. I didn't feel particularily bad and I didn't feel that good. It was a day where I felt like I existed and, wellllllll.... that was about it. Although I did play the new Zelda - Majora's Mask for several hours, played with the puppies, yakked on the phone and visited with some company late in the day.  So I guess you could say I accomplished that. I suppose that counts as something. Yeah. It counts. I guess I can use days like that and count 'em as recharge days.

One of the first things I did today was to put a new mirror on the passenger side of the old truck.  The old one fell off as I drove down the road a few weeks ago. And... YES... I laughed when it happened. Bam! Thumped against the truck and gone... yet... lucky me. I had bought a spare and actually knew where it was. The job might have taken a half hour after I found the large assortment of drill bits in the old beat-to-shit metal first aid box that was my Dads. Now the truck has a brand new mirror and the rest of it is looking fairly shabby. Oh, hell. It's nearly a beater today. The old dog truck was born in 1987. And..... trust me.... this truck IS a dog. Be careful going up hills.... you might have to back down. Pedal to the metal and you're going maybe 50 after a minute. It performs like shit so it may as well look like it. It has become a reflection of what it is.

I want fuel injection or a four-barrel carb. I want the vehicle to respond when I give it the proper commands. Like "go.... go now." YES. It's true.... I sometimes feel the need for speed. The dog truck doesn't care about what I want. Tough shit. It's the little truck that couldn't.... it knows it can't - it knows it can't. And, it doesn't. It doesn't because it can't.

Still. It's steadfast. Reliable even. Eventually.... yeah. Eventually, you'll get there. Just chill out OK? It's better than walking. Even faster than running.

>>> OK... now back to what I originally was talking about. The day. What I did today. Alright then. Then I slap myself in thought alone. Move along....I say. <<<

Gathered additional wildflower seeds from the yard. Shouldn't have to buy any next year. < Famous last words. I will add more flowers and probably buy additional seeds. I'm just like that. > And... I burned some brush, twigs and wood in the firepit way out back near the outhouse; and did some raking in the courtyard.

Today the courtyard fence in the backyard was finished. The large project of the day. There was a fence section that had remained undone that abutted to the wing. An Integral part of the project because it is one of the gate sides. Gate posts for a gate that is not yet built anywhere but in my head. I'm putting it off for the winter so I can determine the frost heave measurement on the wood dock-like floating walkway that heads across it for the path to the Outback Inn. Next spring I'll build the gate and compensate for any movement when building it. I'd hate to have a gate I couldn't open at certain times of the year. That would piss me off. And some days... well, you wouldn't want to see me pissed off. Even I don't want to see it.
 

While I worked on the fence, suddenly the hammer disappears. What the???! So I'm looking around thinking maybe I left it here, maybe there... no... then check the house... nope. As I walk out the door I see that the hammer is in the possesion of the puppies. Cool! With fractions of a second to spare before I'm getting pissed off... I see that they have dragged it into the grass and are tumbling around with it. But... but the dogs are so cute! They have me laughing. Not regular laughs but BIG laughs. Yep. Got some new dogs. Pitbulls. Puppies. Pitbulls that like to play with a hammer. Now, give me that damn thing.

Yes. I felt fairly good today. I had a downright fruitful day. Today was good. There were a few moments when I forgot all about the tragedy painted on the backdrop. I had some fleeting joyful feelings much to my surprise... so I thanked God.

Yep. I thanked God out in the church of the backyard. Stopped in my tracks and thanked God outloud. And ya know what? I think God heard me.
 
 

SO... DIDJA VOTE?
If you pay attention to historical voting patterns - barely half of the registered voters in America will vote. I accomplished my civic duty early this morning before heading to the office. I was the 13th voter in my precinct < hmmmm... an indication of my luck? >. Voter turnout was heavier there than I expected first thing in the morning. I hope that is an indication across the board.

Finally.The big day is here. 270 electoral votes are needed to win the presidential race. I won't be sleeping tonight until I know who will be president. In fact, I'm stopping to buy either a bottle of wine or a 6-pack before heading home. My intentions are to make dinner and have a bit of an election party into the evening. Yes. This IS my Superbowl Tuesday and I seem to be having a craving for some zest... specifically, habernero salsa. I possess and incredible passion for very hot stuff. Gotta have it. Gonna get it.

The bid for prez appears to be close if you pay attention to the pollsters... but, it's the electoral votes that count - not the popular vote. That is why I don't pay much attention to the popular vote polls. For that very reason and because nobody polled me...

You can expect to see plenty of maps on TV tonight as well as the drone of reporters touting predictions, taking informal on-the-fly polls, repeating themselves - repeating themselves and generally filling up broadcast space with blab. Blah, blah, blah. Show me the money.

Already I wonder what direction the media will take when this is over. What will be the next big news focus? What will we be pummeled with? It's always something isn't it? There's always a primary focus that takes away from other things. The media dishes it up and serves it to us under the guise that this is what the people want. Who? What people? Again... nobody bothered to ask me.... so, that's why I'm telling you.

The media is often driven by its own machinations.... for the most part, if it isn't somehow sensational, tragic or shocking - we get very little. Meanwhile, I find myself craving substance and value. It is apparent why I'm often left lacking. So, if you want something deeper, you'll have to dig for it yourself. It's not that it's not there... it's just that it's not on the surface.

LUNCH
I decided to opt out of the office lunch political gabfest by taking a trip to the bank and going to the grocery store. The intention was to buy what I needed to make nachos this evening. Chicken nachos that is... and, the chicken is already at home.

Much to my chagrin, they did not have any habernero based salsa OR habernero hot sauce. Fine then. I have haberneros at home... I'll doctor something up to get my fix.

Yes. I shopped on my lunch hour. Went into the store to buy what I need for the nachos and walked out 75 dollars lighter. Go figure.

YESTERDAY
Over the last several days... I have been visited by my old friend insomnia again. The bitch that keeps coming back. Because of recent events, including my cousin's suicide - I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised.

Yesterday my big old black lab named Crash suffered what appeared to be a mini-stroke. I spent about an hour massaging his muscles until he could get up from the floor. He looked scared and confused at the time but appears to be doing OK for now. I am trying to prepare myself to lose him. This must be another month in which I count losses.

The poor old dog has had a very happy life but has been plagued by a variety of health problems throughout the 10+ years he's been here. He was cured of heartworms a few years ago... but he still has a huge inoperable tumor on his chest < connected to muscle tissue and/or organs >, recurrent ear infections, skin problems.... etc. and now this.

I really hate to lose him. He's family... and, he's been very good to me. Therefore, I will not allow him to suffer. I won't allow him to suffer the loss of his life quality. I won't because I love him.

So... it appears that I'll be digging another pet grave here in the yard. After all... this is where he has spent all of his time and this is where he should be. At 85 pounds, it'll be a big one... but, I may as well dig the hole before winter freezes the ground and makes everything more difficult. The trick will be finding the proper spot for him. Once that is decided and the grave is dug, the next trick will be to secure the area so the puppies and/or people don't fall into it.

Oh, damn. I love my old dog. I always will. I'll miss him being here... but, it's getting very close to saying goodbye. I can feel it.

I'll stop at the store and pick him up a beer tonight. HUH?! Yeah... you heard me right. A beer. One of his favorite tricks was performed late at night around the bonfire pit hanging out with the humans. When you got up to use the outhouse, or - if you weren't paying attention, he'd knock over your beer and drink it while you were gone.

I don't recommend giving animals alcohol - but... he deserves it, and - he discovered it on his own. Plus... he's getting damn close to last call.

November 8, 2000

I didn't get much sleep last night... maybe a few hours max.

we are living future history books
As you know... the election for the prez is up in the air. Too close to call, with a recount going on now in Florida. There's a buzz tonight in the news.  A buzz that has reporters with a near gossipy-tone relaying allegations of printing confusing ballots in Palm Beach, irregularities in voting patterns, computer glitches and general allegations of fraud. Hmmmmm. Now who would be surprised in that if it were true? Or, has it become our second nature to search for a conspiracy theory?  Or... a scandal?

Shit. It looks like Gore got the popular vote while Bush could run with the electoral vote. That is, if the preliminary count is correct. I'm already feeling a little bummed about it. Bummed because I have real doubts that the election will suddenly shift the other way... that isn't generally the way things go. Unless of course, there is corruption uncovered within the Florida vote.

Whatever. If Bush gets the prez nod... at least I can sleep well knowing he didn't get my vote. I don't believe he is the best man for the job... yet, what he lacks in experience - he makes up for in political connections.

Why in the hell the American people would want a repeat performance of the Bush administration is beyond me. Frankly, I thought that collectively we were smarter than that. I guess not.

Then again... because of this very scenario, many people are finally perceiving - understanding - or even acknowledging the electoral college premise, and how it can affect the outcome of an important election.

Perhaps there will be screams for reform in the fallout exposing a flawed process. Our shit does stink.

The Florida recount continues... the margin narrows... a lawsuit in Palm Beach could delay the outcome.

Apparently, the confusion over ballot design resulted in a flood of complaints and a lawsuit in a Florida county where more than 19,000 ballots have been disqualified. To add to this snafu... Palm Beach residents weigh in as being heavily Democratic. 80 - 90 percent Democratic. Personally... I do feel that the voters who voted there should be given the opportunity to vote again with an amended ballot design. Although, I'm not certain a judge would agree with my thoughts. Still... 19,000 disqualified ballots tell the story that there WAS real confusion on the part of voters. In light of the close race... 19,000 votes that are tossed out would make one hell of a difference. Yet... I’m certain the Republicans wouldn’t see that since it doesn’t appear the aftermath would be in their favor. For that reason alone, I expect to see them come out swinging and screaming against it. On the other hand, I believe that voting should be fair and all efforts should be made so that the vote of the people count. THAT is a substantial number.

Palm Beach aside, regarding the Florida recount... as I write early in the morning, 21 of 67 counties have recounted and are reporting: Bush gains 144 votes and Gore gains 642 votes.

Huh??? This appears to be rather odd to me, statistically speaking that is. Given the fact that Bush allegedly was carrying a  lead in the vote, you would think that Gore wouldn’t have added nearly 500 votes in the early stage of the recount. I would have thought that the count would be much closer. Go figure. This is beginning to look somewhat unscrupulous. Legitimacy is being tested.

Makes me wonder if these mistakes are genuine or if this entire scenario smacks of political debauchery.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
update
Florida recount: mid-morning

32 of 67 counties reporting. Bush gains 346 votes total and Gore gains 1,189 votes.

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another update
Florida recount: late afternoon

63 of 67 counties reporting. Bush leads Gore by a mere 341 votes ...
... what a frickin' crock.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The drama plays out. At this point no matter what happens... it looks like we have another stain on the history books. For now...Bush and his crew are sweating. He's blaming Gore for causing this confusion.  He says Gore is acting like a sore loser.
 

Get a damn grip G W. It ain't over 'til it's over. Gore did not orchestrate this bullshit. If the tables were turned, you'd be screaming your puny head off.  My advice: get some new spin doctors and quit acting like a spoiled child.

Your true colors are showing you aren't acting like presidential material.

November 10, 2000

I wasn't going to write today. So, here I am writing anyway. But... it's not like I'm doing it against my will... it's only that I didn't think I'd be doing it. It was one of those days. I didn't feel like writing. Most of the day anyway. Right up until now. Hmmmmm... I'd delete this odd paragraph but I'll leave it. If only to justify my mental wandering. It's indicative of the day in my head. Going in a million different directions but still here on my shoulders.

Anyway... Cass decided to confront me on some of my shit. Over dinner. Seems that I haven't been talking much and when I have it's been rather short. Almost like bad PMS... except that it lasts waaaaaaay too long. After that much time, it's obvious THAT isn't the problem. And YES... I am well aware of my annoyed self because I am annoying myself. That's why it's easier to NOT say anything. Because you have a great big attitude and you know it.

I'm not doing any of this on purpose. It's only how I feel. The only way I know how to get through this round of crap is to shut something off or down... when I'm not doing that, I'm trying hard to distract myself. Whether it be with the new puppies or trying to reorganize something... it helps to keep busy.

Because of my cousin's recent suicide, I've folded up a bit. I almost have to. The flashes of pain I feel inside make me feel like I'm fighting an enemy.  The occasional lethargy is a mountain parked over me, leaving me feel immobilized. My entire being is encased in a dream state even though I am acutely aware of reality. I still can't believe he's gone. I can't believe he put a gun in his mouth and fired. In his car. I can't believe that anymore than I can believe that my Father put a gun to his forehead and splattered his blood on the wall. In my parents kitchen. No... I can't believe any more than I can believe that my friend Paul jumped off the bridge. In broad daylight. Looking at each of them individually, I can't believe it. Even though I KNOW it happened. 3 suicides in just over 3 ½ years. Too many. Any are too many.

GOODGOD. This isn't the story I wrote for my life. This isn't the one that was supposed to happen. This is a frickin' nightmare. This is such a horrible cold fact. What in the hell do I do with all this shit? Where do I put it? How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do?

To be perfectly honest... I think everything I am going through is perfectly normal. In light of the circumstances, I'd say I'm doing well. I'd also say I have little or no other choice than to go on. Somehow. And I will. I know I will. I don't know how and right now I don't have to. All I have to do is get through each day as it comes. There isn't any alternative for me. I'll get through this emptiness.

Damn. As time goes by... I sometimes feel like emotionally damaged goods.
 

November 12, 2000

Yesterday was a good day for me. The sun was shining most of the day and I was outside. There's much to do around here. On a very regular basis. If you are a homeowner, I don't have to say anymore about it. If you're not, then... you don't know what you're missing. BUT - I can tell you that you'd be missing time. The day is never long enough. And, you never have to say, "there's nothing to do." There always more than enough and I can never do enough. But, yesterday I was surprisingly satisfied with the day and my accomplishments.

The puppies are part-time heathens. Although, Tasha appears to be much more rambunctious than Booda. Even when you hold them, unless she's very tired, she's wriggling all over the place. Not him. Booda is laid back and loves to be held. The minute you pick him up he wants to rest his head on your shoulder. Pet him while he does that and he starts in with his raspy contented breathing mode. He's quite the cuddler and most often, gets very jealous and whines when I hold Tasha. It won't be long when he'll be hard to cuddle. Yet I have the feeling that he'll still want to be a lap dog. He's quite the lover dog.

Since the pups are soooooo adorable, I find that I can't actually get too mad at them. After all, they are puppies. And... puppies do get into things. I expected it. A few days ago, they were in the back half of the wing and they were being suspiciously quiet. Upon a glance in their direction, I saw that they each had hold of the trunks of 2 floor plants and were shaking the hell out of each of them. The minute I said, "HEY! What are you two doing?" they stopped and ran to the edge of the step and gave me that, "look at how cute we are" look. Little shits.

I built a fire in the Outback woodstove yesterday that is still burning as I write. The puppies have been displaced from the box in the house to the Outback kennel, as well as complete run of the Outback Inn itself. This morning, after tearing up the place, they escaped into the yard via the old cat-flap access. Since the outdoor cats I had at one time are long gone, I never bothered to block off the little door. In a few weeks, they will probably be too big to utilize this escape method. Hmmmmm... I can envision one of them getting lodged in the little hole now. Guess I'd better block it off before that happens. I could see Booda getting stuck since he's already noticeably bigger than Tasha.

My friend Gail came out last night with her dog Hannah. The puppies love her big lab-mix dog but, the big-baby dog is frightened of the puppies energy. Hannah spent the majority of the night sitting upright in a tall chair in the Outback while the pups alternated between running around playing, eating and sleeping.

Cass was at a friend's birthday party out of town. Since she had to work today, the plan was that she'd spend the night there and return here today after her shift was over. Instead, she awoke me at 4:30 this morning smelling like a damn brewery. I was pissed off that she drove from that far away while she had been drinking. Not to mention the fact that she had to be up in an hour to head into work. In an irritated tone I asked, "How many damn beers did you drink?" "Oh... just a couple," she replied.

YEAHSUREHUH. Nobody smells THAT bad after having a few beers. WHATEVER. She ended up going into work for an hour and a half and then returned still smelling like a stale drink.

No. I'm NOT her mother. If I was, she would have been grounded immediately. I was pissed off though, because she drove home in the dark while intoxicated. Especially since she had already been through an impaired driving charge a few years ago. Oh, well. She doesn't want to talk about it. She's hung over and dragging ass today.  She hates it when I'm mad at her... so she's trying to make it up to me by making pizza.

Will the pizza trick work? If she would have waited, she might have noticed that I'd be carrying on normally in relatively short order. That's one thing about me. I don't stay mad long. I never do. I get mad and then I get over it all on my own. And, as far as Cass is concerned, she knows she made a bad choice. I can't say that I haven't been guilty of making plenty of bad choices myself. I certainly have. Having someone else punish me when I already feel like shit doesn't help. So, this is where I leave it. Nevermind me.

Other stuff
Yesterday my Aunt called me. She wondered if I'd be interested in attending grief classes with her. Sure I will. Anything I can do to support her through this nightmare I will do. In the long run, helping her may help me, too. I'm going to ask Sista if she'd like to come along. She's been intermittently having a hard time because it's basically impossible for her to go into any shut down mode < like I did > with three kids.

Fun stuff
Recently, I bought a camcorder. Last evening before my friend Gail came out, I was busy playing around with it. I can see that I'll be spending plenty of time playing with the stop-animation feature. Yesterday, I mounted it to the tripod and did a little stop-animation with Gumby and Pokey in the Outback on the top of the bar.  It took me about 40 minutes to make something that was about 15 seconds long. You move them around and take a shot that is a quarter of a second long.... the end result was:  Gumby and Pokey walking around - Gumby mounting and riding Pokey - Gumby falling off Pokey... and, Gumby and Pokey dancing; the end.

Hey. It’s me. I’m back. And... I’m not even going to talk about politics. Hmmmmmmm.... I’ll bet some of you ARE surprised that I’m not going to insert a political bitch.... ;^) .... don’t worry. I’m speaking for today only. Hang around long enough and you’ll catch me having a bitchfest again. Count on it.

Wow. I didn’t mean to freak anyone out by my display of emotional vacillation in the last couple of entries. I’m OK.... I really am... there’s no need to worry about me. But, thanks for your genuine concern...

...yes... I noticed.

Sometimes when dumping things off here, it’s so easy to forget that when I am gone from the keyboard, those words are hanging out there in cyberland. The words are there and I am who-knows-where doing who-knows-what. The words give the illusion of appearing to be rather fixed, rather than reflecting the fluidity and fleeting nature of my thoughts in general. Yet, it’s how I felt AT THE TIME... it’s not how I feel ALL of the time.

...plodding along...

SKY WATCH: As an avid sky watcher I thought I’d tell ya that the Leonid Meteor Shower begins this weekend. Max activity is predicted near 3 a.m. EST on Saturday Nov. 17. If the weather is clear, you can bet I’ll be out in the yard staring at the sky. This could be a fantastic year for them, too. Curious? Want more info? Go here.

Too drunk, tired, lazy, cold - or whatever to get up in the middle of the night? Then cop out and see the webcast here, after the fact.

Hell... with my screwed up sleep pattern, I might be awake anyway. At least I’ll have something to do. Otherwise I’m setting the alarm clock. If it’s not clear, I can always complain about it later.
 

...onto the next noteworthy item...

OLD DOG NEWS: Crash the big old black lab is hanging in there. No apparent ill effects from his mini-stroke and no additional strokes of bad luck. Other than smelling like a small herd of cattle, I’d say he’s doing fine. He’s quite happy now because the neighbor who regularly feeds him is back from vacation...

NEW DOGS NEWS: I discovered this morning that the rebel puppies have soundly trashed the Outback Inn. I know this because before I left for work this morning they had again escaped from the old cat flap. You know, the one I was supposed to have closed off last weekend < insert swift self kick in the ass here >.

Anyway...
...after hearing them crying at the door, I let them in and gave them dog bones and watched them thrash about the room in furious fashion. Seems they wiggle on both ends with a fixed point in the middle. Tails flailing about like they are going to a maniac rodeo. Get close enough to them and those little paws do paw ya. Little paws with sharp little nails. Now get closer and smell that sweet puppy breath. Wriggly fur woven with instantaneous licks... all laced together with an erratic sharp toothed nip. Happy pups. They did not want to return to the Outback so I could leave for work... I had to coerce them with additional dog bones. Once we got into the Outback, I could see why maybe they were reluctant to have me see what they had done.

Looks like THEY HAD A PARTY. Bits of newspaper are all over the floor along with pieces of wood and stuffing from the sleeping bag I gave them.... one glance told you they were VERY busy...

HEY... now what’s all this black stuff? Awwwwwwwwwww...... damn.... they discovered the old push broom and pulled nearly all of the bristles out of it.

Oh, well. I had to leave and go to work. Now you don’t have to wonder what I’ll be doing tonight. .
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You know.At least in part.
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FACE IT... if you knew everything I was doing... you'd be me.

November 15, 2000

Shit. While driving in the dark heading for the office this morning, my damn side view mirror fell off my truck. As you may recall this happened before, and, I recently replaced the passenger side mirror. The most noticeable difference is that this time I didn’t laugh about it. It was flopping around and ready to fly... so, I helped it out by rolling down the widow, cussing to myself and ripping it off the rusted stem as I drove. After tearing it off the mount one-handed, I threw it to the passenger side floorboard. As I write this I’m smiling. It’s much funnier now than it was then. Maybe because I’m working on a very good cup of coffee. Or, maybe because I am grinning at my own aggravation.... who knows?

the anger phase of grief
Speaking of aggravation, what I’ve been erratically feeling isn’t all that amusing. I know I'll be fine, but, for now... this emotional roller coaster sucks. If you asked Cass, she’d tell you how annoyed I’ve been with the most senseless things < but, she probably would NOT tell you anything within my earshot - so, you’d have to ask when I was out of the room >. She might even tell you how I have been blowing the most ridiculous things thoroughly out of proportion. It’s true and I know it. I don’t like it either. But... after thinking about it, she probably wouldn’t say anything about me at all. She’s like that. She's nice.

In fact, tonight when I get home - I owe her an apology. Why? Because I woke up in the most loathsome mood. The first thing I heard was the sound of Cass getting ready for work. What sent me into a tizzy?? Specifically, the sound of her applying non-aerosol hair spray... < I’m amused by this now only because it is SO damn dumb > ... so, the first thing I say this morning in a caustic tone is, “are you sure you have enough damn hair spray on?”  A statement to which she replied, “rise and shine...” while continuing to pump the spray bottle. “GOD. It’s not like you’re going out in a damn windstorm - that’s ridiculous.” We exchanged a few more sentences and while I don’t recall the exact phrases...  I was a complete jerk to be snapping at her for nothing. She left without saying goodbye. Can’t say I blame her. I wouldn't have wanted to say anything to me either... but... I feel awful about it now because we always say goodbye.

8:45 a.m.
I felt remorseful enough about my demeanor this morning that I called Cass at work and apologized. It couldn’t wait. Since I never call her at work, she sounded noticeably surprised to hear my voice. Immediately, I expressed an apology. Her reply was, “oh.... don’t worry about that. It’s OK... I’m sorry, too.” She had to go to a meeting so we didn’t say much else. But, see. I told you she was nice. And, I’m glad I called. I feel much better now.

Normally, I am not like this. And, it’s a good thing that Cass knows that. In fact, it’s a VERY good thing. Now I’m not saying that I didn’t ever get mad about things previously, but, what I am saying is that the things I usually get mad about were generally understandable. I hate the fact that she has to witness this sudden manifestation in me. It’s difficult enough without having witnesses.

What I need to do
Since every little thing has been bugging me lately, I have decided to do some major cleaning and reorganization around the house. I may as well be accomplishing something. It helped me tremendously after my Father’s suicide to keep myself busy. So, after a short stint of near paralyzation and chaos... that is the plan. Working will help me work through this transition. Although I haven’t felt like this for long, I’m already tired of dealing with what feels like a distasteful evil twin. So.... with my own acknowledgment, I hope to deal with this anger I feel constructively rather than destructively.
 
 

Hmmmmmmmmmm. Maybe I should go to the dollar store and pick up, oh, say about 20 items made of glass. Then, go to a quiet place alone where I can scream as loud as I want and smash every one of them to bits.

e-mail
If you’ve written recently, I’m not ignoring you. Really! And... don’t feel bad. It wasn’t anything you did or said. Honest! It’s just that so much has been going on inside my head that I seem to have lost a bit of my focus. Please bear with me. Rest assured, you’ll get a reply when my ability to concentrate moves up a notch or two. I won’t forget.

November 16, 2000

It's nearly 10 p.m. Moments ago, I returned from a Suicide Support Group meeting. It's the first one I ever went to. Cass went, too. We went out to dinner at 5 with my Aunt and Uncle before the meeting. My Uncle didn't go, but, he hasn't ruled it out in the future.  That was rather surprising to me, and, I hope he eventually will.

I wasn't thrilled at all about the prospect of this meeting. I actually felt like I didn't want to go from the moment my Aunt asked me to. But, I would go to support my Aunt.

The meeting started at 7 p.m. There were 11 of us there. 4 men and 7 women. More people than I expected. We started off by going around the table with each of us stating our names followed by who committed suicide and how they did it. When my turn came around I felt my voice crack when I listed the 3 people in my life that committed suicide in just over 3 ½ years time.

My intentions were to be silent and listen to what everyone else had to say. I didn't want to participate at all. But... I surprised myself by talking freely about my anger and the pressure I felt inside. I left feeling a little relieved, although I wouldn't say I felt good. Yet, I did feel that all of my mixed up feelings were validated.

This is some of the most painful stuff I've ever dealt with in my life.

November 18, 2000

I awoke to the sound of hundreds of small birds that had gathered in the Cottonwood tree near the Outback Inn. By the time I opened the door to observe them, they took it as their cue to flutter off to who knows where.

In the "here comes cold damn winter" air with snow flurries flying, I gathered wood this morning and stacked it near the woodstove. That ought to be enough for heat there today and tonight. Hmmmmm... there's enough oak fuel on hand for, I'd guess,  the next few winters. I like the oak best because it burns hot and slow while leaving very little ash in its wake. Less mess. More heat. Hey... I'm all for that.

I spent the day walking the path between the house and the outbuilding puttering around. The puppies were be delighted to have both heat and company.  Like children will sometimes do < and some adults for that matter > , they have been acting out when they have not received what they feel is enough attention. This morning I cleaned up a pulverized magazine and paper cups stolen from behind the bar... more stuffing from the sleeping bag... bristles from the push broom... AND, then I noticed a fat red candle recently decorated with puppy teeth marks with two panting puppies standing nearby with tilted heads staring at me. Guilty as charged. Now get out while I'm trying to clean this up... you two chasing the broom is not the kind of help I need.

As for the meteor showers tonight, I'm not certain it will be clear enough for observation, and,  I haven't checked the forecast yet for either predictions or bold assumptions. While it's overcast now, that's not the best indicator to the sky deep into the night... so... I'll wait and see for myself if I can see for myself. Sounds like a tenative plan.

Sista came over this afternoon with the 3 kids and her hunter man boyfriend. We kicked off the conversation in the Outback talking about how cold it was outside as we gathered around the woodstove. Most of our time there was spent watching or holding the baby bullies, talking to the kids and having a rather pleasant rapport. After a few hours, they left. Sis looked tired and her boyfriend was going hunting for a few hours.

I decided I'd cook on the woodstove. It was nearly 3 and I hadn't eaten. So... I go into the house to see what I'm dealing with and haul back out 2 large potatoes and an onion. Heat up some olive oil in a cast iron pan. Add some more fuel to the fire, cut up the potatoes and throw them in the pan as the oil crackled loud enough for the dogs to take notice. I'm amused because everything is new to them. Even that. So... I'm smiling as I slice up the onion. Cass approaches the door and comes in to see my smiling face. She arrived home to pick up her bags to head out of town to see friends for a few days. "I'm glad to see that you are smiling and happy today," she said. Yeah, well me, too! A hug and a "drive safely and have a nice time..." and, she's back out the door. Meanwhile, the food is beginning to smell great. It's the first time I've cooked on the woodstove this season. I approach the hot pan with a spatula and remove half of the potatoes to the plate in my hand. The minute I put the spatula down... I ended up dumping the contents of the entire plate onto the floor. The BEST thing about it was that I didn't even get mad. Can you believe it? < a part of me still can't >. I did discover that the puppies like fried potatoes and onions. That's a pretty good deal now that I'm thinking about it. It's about time they cleaned up after me.

Damn. I feel good today. Very good. Content even. After all of the trouble I have been having, it is most welcome. I can truly appreciate it. Under everyday circumstances, this might have been considered an ordinary day - even by my standards; but, since circumstances have been far from normal... I cannot overlook it. Today was a blessing.

Yesterday was a fairly good day, too < wow... a few in a row even! >. I finished up a small drywall job I'd been putting off. It felt good to accomplish the smallest thing... and believe it or not, I didn't even spend a single second feeling overwhelmed with what else is left to do. Perhaps that's because everything has been so overwhelming as it is. That must be it. The never ending processing in my mind seems to have temporarily slowed. Maybe I tripped a cerebral overload protector... you know - the circuit breaker in my head. That seems both likely and possible.... and, it's a welcome change of pace.  For today anyway.  Who knows.

Tomorrow, now THAT might piss me off.....        ;^)

November 20, 2000

I'm happy to report that I had another good day yesterday. 3 in a row and, it looks like it's going on 4.

Today I find myself feeling rather mellow. Serious but quiet. Introspective would categorize it best. Yet, I am happy that I am and have been feeling much better mentally, and... I haven't been feeling angry in the least. That is good. I am so happy about that.

As I write, the TV is on in the room. The Florida fiasco has hit the supreme court, and both sides are arguing the case. What will happen is up in the air. Guess what... today I barely give a shit. Maybe they ought to have joint custody of the presidential seat, you know... make it into a loveseat. Put all 4 of them in office. See if I care. Hmmmmmm... come to think of it, that might satisfy the entire nation. Regardless of the outcome... I am happy knowing that the American people aren't revolting and/or rioting over this. Maybe we are feeling collectively apathetic over hanging chads  and political party arguing. Enough of that.

the puppies
Still tearing up the Outback and growing like weeds. Booda is going to be considerably larger than Tasha if the size of his feet are any indication. Yesterday they pulled out some party streamers that were stashed on the bottom shelf behind the bar. Fortunately, I caught them before they got too far in their decorations. Still... it won't be long until they can reach the second shelf. At this time, everything within their reach is a chew toy. I love them, but, this mess making does make extra work for me. I'll be glad when they pass this initial destructive phase.

I worked around the house today in-between running back and forth to the Outback to feed the fire and visit the pups. I accomplished quite a few things around here and I'm glad I did. Now maybe I'll sleep tonight. Wellllllll.... OK.... maybe I will. Sleep seems to be an intermittent yet constant problem where I am concerned. I've learned to live with it.... or, I should say: I cope with it.

Issue of the day
Mortality seems to be on my mind again due to my cousin's death. My sista agrees 100%. When you lose someone it always seems to become an issue. I am acutely aware of it, as well as the precious nature of life itself. I've done this before after experiencing death. It's like some weirdo vulnerable paranoia -  basic fear. Again, I find that I'm recently plagued by thoughts of losing others important to me. So...... if you're going to be late, you'd better call me and let me know because I might be freaking out by the time you get here......
  ...... I don't want to have to kill you myself.

Ok. Here I am tapping on the keyboard. Writing yet another day skipping entry. If you haven't noticed, I've acquired this recent habit of writing every other day... WHY? I don't know.  Haven't taken the time away to write... and... after several good days in consecutive order, I find I'm STILL riding the roller coaster while running the gamut. Very disappointing indeed.

I'm feeling stressed out and depressed today. And, it's not like I didn't have a few good moments during the course of the day. I did. But, I'm feeling inconsistent again. Agitated at my inability to control this beast.

I feel like I'm suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. In fact, I possess over half of the symptoms.

And... let me tell you it sucks. IT SUCKS. I hate feeling like I'm emotionally flip-flopping. Granted... sometimes it is normal for me to be somewhat all over the map as far as what happens in any given day... as I'm prone to follow a variety of tangents... but, not like this. This has me feeling like I'm not myself. This has me feeling somewhat scatter-brained. I'm out of sorts. My thought process has lost the consistency and fluidity I expect. Lately, my ability to concentrate has been diminished. I've notice it. It's uncomfortable and distressing to me.

While I know I will be alright... < and a part of me still is >... things are not alright now. Today I decided that I needed to do something about it. At least I can recognize that something unusual is going on with me. The ability to see that clearly means something. To me it means that I need to get some help. At least, I know.

I can't tell you how difficult it is for me to ask for help. I don't like asking for help for much of anything. So... this is a big damn deal. A big enough deal for me to decide to see a doctor. There are some things bigger than yourself in life. I can't do everything myself. I've resigned that notion.

Next week I'll be calling for an appointment. I had to get a referral from the local hospital because I don't have a regular doc. The offices are closed until Monday for the Thanksgiving holiday.

In the meantime...
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving dinner at Mom and Dave's place. It's going to be a lean group. Of course, my Mom and Dave - Dave's Mom < who has alzheimers and lives in a group facility >, my Aunt and Uncle, and.... me. Sounds potentially depressing, no? Hmmmmmm... I'm going to try to make the best of it. That's all I can do. One step at a time.

My brother < who lives hours away > will be with his kids at home with his girlfriend's parents. My sista will be with her kids at her boyfriend's house - they'll be stopping by late in the afternoon. And, of course, the brother Cass and I recently visited is several states away - he will be having Thanksgiving at home with his family.

Tonight, I'm wondering what I will say I'm thankful for at the table tomorrow. We usually do that, although since my Aunt and Uncle just lost their son... we may break that tradition. It might be a little too awkward. And why not? Things aren't the same anymore. They never will be.

But... there ARE things I am thankful for. Things like friends and family who are a world of support and acceptance. The people that I love. The people that matter. From my e-pals to my virtual buddies... they all count. Every one of them. The ones that make me smile and laugh... I'm especially thankful for them < especially lately >. If smiling is good - laughing is even better! So... whether they be close or far... they are near and dear to me. Without those friends my life would be incomplete. I thank them all for being there. They've touched my life in some very, very unique ways. Thank you, thank you...

Oh... I am thankful for something else. I'm thankful I haven't lost my mind completely... and, of course, I will be much more thankful when I get out of this emotional rut.

November 24, 2000

Keeping in line with the skip one day/write another trend... I sit down with my thoughts and proceed to stare at the keyboard for a few seconds. Where to start... oh... yeah. Thanksgiving.

As it turned out, it was a very nice event. Pleasant even. My Uncle showed up with a bottle of Crown Royal and a smile on his 95 pound self. Wasn't long and he ordered a shot in the patio room. In other words, he ordered me to get it for him. He didn't ask me mind you... he told me. Now generally speaking, I don't take well to those things. Ordinarily, I would say... huh? Now where do I punch in? or... who got it for your ass last time? But... I laughed when he said it. And then I brought him a shot. A shot with a water chaser. The wiry man smirked. He may have been as surprised as I was.

We talked about dreams. Bad dreams. He's been having them. He's been going up and down and all around with his emotions. It's so damn familiar to me. Skinny and I had something in common. So... I did a shot of Crown with him. We talked. He did most of the talking. I listened.

He loved his son. He really did. You could see it in his face when he spoke of him. Yet, you could still feel the shock that was draped over him. The disbelief. The sadness. After talking for about 20 minutes, I felt compelled to leave the room. I told him it was great that he was talking about how he feels and to keep talking about it. He bounced his head and looked around the room. I touched his shoulder and walked out the door. It was heartbreaking to see him like this. For a moment, it felt surreal.

Life can change so quickly. The past linked to the future in memories. Replaying and recounting snippets of time in your mind.

Remembering ...scents... textures... sounds... pictures... colors... emotions... moments...

.....hmmmmm... I recalled Thanksgivings past. Loud events with Dad around. Raucous laughter. Him being his goofy self. When he seemed happiest. The holidays so often serve as reminders. It's a tough time for many people for a variety of reasons. Most often, because our memories flood back in flashes. Memories of people.

But... this is now. In the midst everything, there are the memories we are making today. In looking at my frail Uncle, I wonder how long he'll be here. Seeing the sorrow written on his face, I wonder if he'll make it another year. GOODGOD! I think about the oxygen machine he's on every night as he smokes and hacks through the day. I think about the heart surgery he had earlier this year.  There was an emptiness in the room that matched a part of me inside. The part that'll never come back. While I don't believe you can tell by looking at me, I could see it clearly in him. I realize that this could be the last Thanksgiving he's here.

My Aunt appears to be doing well. Yesterday anyway. From the outside. She was smiling and talking most of the day. She really has an incredible spirit. She's also a breast cancer survivor. One year plus and going strong. Now she's strong in the face of another struggle. Her smile was an inspiration. I felt a wave of transcendence. I am happy to know her.

Mom and Dave were their usual chipper selves. OHMYGOD! You can tell they are very much in love! I like that about them. They are nice people...friendly and compassionate... genuine good souls. I'm so happy they found each other. They were truly meant to be. That is so damn cool... Hmmmmm... and, even if we don't talk about it or admit it - there's a part of us that would like that, too. To have true love. Lasting love. That kind of love can be elusive for a lifetime. Does close count? Is being comfortable and making do... is that a worthy substitute? Is love a choice we make, or, is it a chance we take?

I dunno. BUT... if we start by being loving people with all romantic notions of love set aside, aren't we better off? Is the want for romantic love entangled and influenced by the media and the role it plays in society? Do we wish for what does not exist? Or... the seemingly unattainable? Have we glorified it and twisted it into something that is a fantasy? Or, have we simply twisted our notions through choices and experience? Well... in seeing Mom and Dave together, I can say that I still believe in a romantic version of love. No matter what the odds. While I don't think it's necessarily as common as a 7-11... it's rather extraordinary when it does happen. It's striking to behold.

Yes. I often wish life was perfect. Can you tell? ;^) Hmmmmmm... I guess I feel that way most often when it's glaringly evident that it isn't.

Now... what am I doing today?
Played with the puppies. Swept up another mess they made in the Outback. Put cedar chips in their dog house. Took them for a ride to the store. They need to get used to traveling. And, another reason why I did it is because they are going to the Vet on Monday. I don't want them to associate every ride in the vehicle to be a trip to the Vet. They did fairly well during the trip - even though Booda would have rather sit on my lap, I didn't let him.

I checked and filled up the fluids in the truck to get ready for winter. I moved a stack of 4x6 by 16 foot posts in the garage so I can pull the car in. Spent time searching for an allen wrench the proper size to re-attach the handle on the woodstove. Then, I hauled and stacked some wood, cleaned out the ashes and started another fire. Booda appeared quite excited about the prospect of having heat again. He could be a house dog easily. I can tell. Most likely, he'd be the type that would love to be under the covers with his head on a pillow. Tasha is adaptable, much more inquisitive and appears to love being a dog. Booda is a big baby. He'd probably be a little lazier if Tasha wasn't always yanking on his ears and tail, jumping on him and otherwise challenging him to play. She's very expressive of all her canine characteristics. So far, she is the only one that has barked. He whines and cries but hasn't actually barked yet. Tasha gets mad at him often. When she does, she'll stand directly in his face and bark. Sometimes she'll even show her teeth and snarl. She seems to love antagonizing him. He appears slow to show complete irritation. When he does, she takes it as an opportunity to engage in some rough wrestling play. Let the fur fly. And to think... they still have that new puppy smell.

I accomplished quite a lot today in spite of some general gaffing off and talking on the phone. It was a fun day and I am happy some things got done. I'm feeling good again. It was an up day. But... I'm still going to see a doctor. This whole damn month has been up and down... recorded in cyberland as it happens live.

November 29, 2000

OK... so I slacked. Took a few days off from writing. Sometimes I need a break from whatever I am doing. I guess that automatically makes me not much different than you, huh?

...like you didn't notice - DUH!
Actually... if the truth be known, my thoughts have been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too scattered lately. There's been a roadblock in my concentration. In other words, I've felt pissy. Agitation sucks. Aggravation sucks. When I feel like that - face it - everything sucks. So then, I decided not to irritate you by writing. Think of it as a favor. It was.

< you can unfurrow your brow now... it's over... ;^) >

moving swiftly along...
Anyway... at the moment I feel OK. Happy even. Sooooooo...let me digress: we started some Christmas shopping over the last week or so. Did some shopping on the net and did some virtual walkthroughs. Shopping on the net has its advantages - especially when you know what you want and you are familiar with the stores. It's easy. Plus, you don't have to dress up... your hair can be wet and you could be getting drunk. Hell... if you wanted to - you could even be naked. Not me, mind you, but - YOU. I wouldn't find that to be comfortable, even without a webcam. But, yeah... shopping on the net has its advantages. No rude salesclerks, no snippy customers, no long lines, and... absolutely no chance of a cart slamming into your ankles.

Let's move onto the virtual walkthrough Christmas shopping part. You know, the part where you haul ass to the stores chock full of merchandising gluttony. You can nearly swim these stores in an altered state. Shopping too much is hypnotic. But, we cannot get enough of this stuff. Rows and rows and racks of clothes... boxes on boxes and merchandise diplayed in an often gaudy fashion. So much PLASTIC stuff. Why do we want all this shit? It's overload being in the stores. All of the choices. All of the stuff. And, "sales." Everybody has a sale. After awhile, even that's like - big damn deal, a sale. ‘Cuz big damn deal it ain't.

But, if you didn't go to the stores you'd miss some first class entertainment delivered by the general public. Some of which appear to be vultures decsending upon merchandise displays. You'd miss the greasy guy behind the cash register that spoke in the campy drag-queen tone. You'd miss the salesclerk with a cold and the quick conversation about credit card fraud. You'd miss the monotone sentence delivered slowly by the plain jane store owner, "e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g is 50% off." < hmmmmm... like me for instance... I was at a bare minimum 50% off that day, too. > And... you'd miss that big round guy in a Santa Hat mysteriously hanging around the lingerie.

See. You wouldn't miss much really. Not that day.

 
 

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copyright 1998 - 2000diary of a mad handyma'am an anonymous cyberspace diary & property of the mad handyma'am
Always get permission to reprint or transmit any copyrighted material. For excerpt requests - please inquire viae-mail

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