November 5, 2002

OK. I've calmed down a little. Or.... a lot compared to the above.

After we got home Friday night, M was pretty out of it. They told me in the emergency room that once the drugs wore off she may have a relapse. So, I fretted much of the evening.

When we got home I let Tasha out of the Outback. I noticed she was coughing and gagging like she had something stuck in her throat.

Great. Just what we need.

She continues to cough in the house when we notice that she is coughing up spots of blood. OH HELL. What else?

I return to the Outback and look around. On the floor is a bright pink handle of a toothbrush. Half of it was gone, including the bristle part. Near the remainder of the chewed up toothbrush was a large spot of blood. FUCK! Oh, now we have a dog with a toothbrush lodged in her throat!

But.... God was kind and it turns out her throat was just cut up from the brush. She was still able to swallow and the coughing became less pronounced as the night wore on. She was jumping around and happy, eating and drinking so.... all was well.

I think that was enough for one day. Don't you?

back to some of the weekend projects:
My adrenalin sent me into overdrive and I managed to build steps with a railing for the spa. All from leftover treated lumber from the Arbor. At least something good has come out of that so far. I've yet to trim up the vines removed and assessed them to envision another project, yet.... I feel that is coming.

Also built a shelf along one side of the spa and rearranged a few low voltage lights. Things are looking up in some aspects, in others, there are grey areas.

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:: send us some prayers! ::

November 11, 2002

At last. Another chance to write. Seems I'm still looking for that groove.

I went to the asthma/allergy doc with M last Thursday. The poor guy was still freaking out about M going into anaphylactic shock during her last visit. She is the first, hopefully only patient, that this has happened to in all his years of practice.

He spent over an hour talking to us. Prescribed some meds and then, we went to a nearby clinic for a blood draw. It was a little weird. The clinic looked as if it had set up temporary shop in a building that was undergoing construction. The seats in the lobby were garden benches with wood slats. Topped off and not improved by a thin mat on the seat bottoms. More like place mats for your ass because the cushioning was questionable at best. Kinda like cheap hot pads.

You wrote your name on a paper that was atop an ugly podium in the narrow hallway. It was staffed by two less than friendly women who didn't even as much as look you in the eye. To top it off, while we waited.... one of two old women who had hobbled in, either shit themselves or had the most eye watering gas you could imagine. Ewwwwww. Say her name, say her name.

Not only was the building new and undergoing construction, obviously .... the drywallers sucked. As I stood there waiting for them to call her name, I couldn't help but to be wracked with the fear that we would end up with people like this doing substandard work when we hired subcontractors. I'd have to fire the assholes. Why? Because I know that there is no way in hell that M would say a cross word to them. She's not that way. While I don't relish the thought, I wouldn't have a problem with it either. The work was entirely unacceptable.

Anyway, so they take 8 vials of blood from M. She looks pale and feels faint after it's done. After a few minutes of recovery, they give instructions for peeing in a cup, pouring it in a vial and leaving it in a designated place in the bathroom. Fine. At least we can walk away from the two unfriendly wenches. Secretly, I hoped that the old lady with the gas emitted a huge crank once she took up space in their small room. Not that it would help their collective dispositions, but, hey.... it would have somehow seemed justifiable.

So, we walk down the corridor of bad drywall and she hands me her coat to hold as I stand outside the door of the bathroom in the back of the building. There, I can see what looks like a wall of cheap laminate kitchen cabinets with other vials of blood and medical stuff. Everything is in complete disarray and dirty. It felt like an illegal clinic. An underground place where you get things done nobody else will do. Thank God they don't actually do any of the testing here. It's a pit stop for the blood vial collectors on the way to the real testing ground. Which I hope is more sterile and professional than this place was.

Then, we went across the street to a medical facility that was a far cry from the previous stop. Upscale building design and layout. Filled with a professional and friendly staff. Here we waited for her name to be called in to get a chest x-ray. It didn't take long at all and soon we were back in the van heading off to lunch before going to the grocery store.

In a couple of weeks M will go back to the asthma/allergy doctor. Hopefully the blood tests and the chest x-rays will be helpful. Apparently, sometimes antibodies won't show up in the blood. If this is the case, he will have to scratch test her a few things at a time. He doesn't want to do this and neither do we. The danger seems too great. We've got our fingers crossed on the blood tests.

I've been feeling nervous on and off since M went into shock and was transported to the emergency room. I am certainly not prepared for a loss of that magnitude. But, the fact that I am dealing with something that is so very real and entirely uncontrollable < by me > has me feeling rather odd. It seems that I'm scared. For actual reasons.

In my spare time, sometimes I find myself again thinking about my past and how far I've come. During my dysfunctional days with L, there was so much contrived drama/bullshit it was utterly ridiculous. When I look back at it today, it's as if nothing was real. There was so much shit attached to simply living day to day that real things would have got in the way. They often did.

Aside from the health issues at the moment, life with M and the boys is good. Our relationship is healthy. Any problems we have are real. I don't miss the volatility involved with a relationship loaded with dramatic ups and downs. I don't miss having to justify my every maneuver. There is a quiet knowing here with M. There is real love.

That is what scares me the most. The fact that now that I have found her and found this, that it could all be taken from me in the blink of an eye. I don't want to lose this. The reality makes me uncomfortable. This fear has been popping up and parking over my contentment and paralyzing me inside since this happened. I don't try to think about it or bring it on, take a random moment and it's just there. An unwanted asymmetrical torment. One I wouldn't miss if it took a sudden vacation. Of course, the saving grace here is, in the back of my mind, I know this too shall pass.

Yay. Another Friday is here. Whew. Survived another week.

Last night we dropped the boys off at My Aunt's place for about an hour after dinner. It was parent-teacher conference day at their school and we both chose to attend.

I admit to feeling a little odd for a few moments prior to walking in. I mean, in this relatively rural area, how many kids have same sex parents? But, we figured that there was a good chance that either one of the boys could have nonchalantly referred to "my two Moms" to the teachers already. So perhaps the teachers were expecting k.d. lang or Ellen DeGeneres to come strutting into the room. Instead, they got us. Proof that we don't all look the same. HA.

Both of the boys are doing very well in school. The teachers were very impressed by their manners and their academic abilities. Are we proud? Of course.

We left the school feeling happy about the fact that we felt so accepted. There weren't any raised eyebrows or flinching in regard to us walking in there as parents. Things were simply matter of fact, the teachers were friendly, and really.... the way it was IS the way it should be. It was nice.

When I think about it, it's a shame that anyone has to justify their existence. A damn shame.

Yes. It's true. In all of my life I haven't dealt with much harassment regarding my sexuality. I had one high school friend who freaked out when she found out about me. Funny thing about her was that even though she was married and had children, I always thought that she might be a huge closet case. I mean, she was the only girl I knew in junior high who wore a frickin' coonskin hat to school like Davy Crockett practically every damn day. Sue me for some stereotypical thinking. But, it's all true.

I accepted her and her coonskin cap. Never once did I look at her with intent other than friendship. I accepted her husband and shared her joy over her first pregnancy. Then she discovered I was gay and decided to completely ruin our friendship by coming onto me.

Go figure.

Just because you're gay doesn't mean you want to bag everyone who is the same sex. I never gave this girl a sideways glance. She was my friend. The assumption destroyed our friendship. The thought sickened me. And, it had nothing at all to do with the coonskin cap. Really.

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Nothing.

November 22, 2002

Notice that I haven't been talking much about the news lately?

That's because, if I did, I would have to talk about Bush and the Iraq thing.... and, well.... that simply pisses me off. But, since I brought it up.... well.... what more can I say?

Plenty. Of course. So, now that I brought it up....

< deep breath >

.....I suppose the first thing I have noticed that I find irritating is that Americans appear so damn apathetic to it. Why? I don't get it. Maybe it's because it's so far away that it doesn't seem real. Maybe it's because way more than half of us can't even find Iraq on a map. Maybe because it isn't hitting close to home anymore. Maybe because we all have our little problems in our insulated little worlds.

My thought is that if the U.S. government strikes Iraq solo - we are soooooo damn fucking stupid. That action will set us up for a definite reaction, and quite possibly, one on U.S. soil. Could we be that stupid? It appears so. And, please don't mention the draft or signing up for the draft, it might make people nervous. Yes, it might. Shhhhhhh.

Not to mention my ire over the Bush administration's push to loosen clean air rules. Fine. We want to fuck up the world so who gives a shit about the environment. Let's forget that the world is our environment. Let's forget we exist in a biosphere. Yeah. Lets allow more pollution so that corporate greed continues to have a breeding ground. Fuck the little guy. To hell with people who give a shit. We'll justify this by creating more jobs. We'll promise to clean it up later. We really will. We promise.

Homeland security. Ha. Another false sense of security and illusion of safety as our privacy is up for grabs. Will terrorists leave a paper trail? Will they buy one-way tickets? Homeland security allows the Feds to snoop on any of us. Can they monitor all of us? No freakin' way. Could the system be misused? Does a bear shit in the woods?

We are the keepers of all things good in America. Let's wave our flags and tell the world that America will not stand for it. We will not stand for terrorist activity. But, we are in complete denial of our own acts of terrorism. We are the best. And, we are the best at fooling ourselves.

There. I feel better.

< walk away - - you'll calm down - - eventually >

OHSHIT.... wait. There's more, before I forget.

Other news snippets from the living, breathing multi-media machine otherwise known as America:

ABC's the bachelor < Aaron > picks Helene. Apparently, Osama is still alive. Michael Jackson is on the hot seat after dangling his son off a 4th floor balcony in Germany. The Osbourne's fucking ROCK I tell ya. Ben Affleck and J-Lo announce their engagement. Eminem's movie breaks box office records. Eminem's dumpy childhood home is being auctioned off on ebay - currently, the bid is at a million and a half bucks. Stomach virus hits 100 on Disney cruise ship. An Ohio student is killed in a truck stunt inspired by MTV's "Jackass." John Lee Malvo's prison cell is stark and isolated - it's a safe bet that John Allen Muhommad's isn't any ritzier. A class-action lawsuit claims that McDonald's burgers and fries are making kids fat. DUH. Unions rally at Walmart stores. Victoria's Secret 2002 fashion show televised last night brings in over 500 complaints of indecency to the FCC. Los Angeles is the murder capital. California remains the deadliest state for pedestrians. Drunk-driving deaths are up in the U.S. The world's tallest building is eyed for construction on the WTC site. Winona Ryder awaits sentencing on shoplifting charges. This season's Survivor is a complete bore.

Tabloid journalism is alive and well. Seems the majority of us can't hack in depth, quality reporting. We're served a regular dose of snippets.

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Alright.... alright. I'll jump down now from the "we collectively suck" soapbox.

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If you don't have anything good to say, then.......

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< you know >

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*I'll ponder that and return with an update relevant to my own little insulated world*

November 25, 2002

The sun shone for a bit in the morning yesterday. I stood in the courtyard and watched birds flit around content with the moment. A pair of house sparrows have taken up residence in a bird house on a post inside the courtyard. They watched me as I stood there from the top of the fence row while fluffing their feathers. It's somewhat surprising that they manage to wriggle through the entrance door of the house now because they appear to have added a few grams to their feathery frames. Over the summer, the pair added to the flock by raising several broods which we enjoyed observing.

The sole problem with the sparrows in the summer was the fact that they had a gathering spot within the thickly veiled confines of snowball bushes within the courtyard. While their singing was noisily pleasant, the bird droppings hindered seating in its shade. Early in the morning and as evening approached, literally a few hundred birds would gather with a conglomerate song and shitfest. A messy tradeoff which resulted in frequent use of the hose on the wood table that sits beneath it. A table that you'd never eat on but frequently used as a work surface during the day while the birds were who knows where. All of the stepping stones cast for the courtyard were created there. Occasionally, it served as a potting table and a sometimes convenient resting place for the cutoff saw. You can never have too many work surfaces. But, you can have too many birds. In the end, I suppose it was a fairly even trade. Regular song for regular hosings.

With the leaves now off the branches, the morning and nightly gatherings have come to an end. Winter brings a stillness.

Last night it snowed. Fat flakes descending in the dark as the wind was imperceptible. I am amazed at M's excitement over the snow. She's nearly as excited about it as the kids are. But, it was a beautiful site, and, this morning it appeared even more spectacular. Without the wind, the snow stuck to every surface, including the smallest branches. Thickened with white, everything appeared accentuated and outlined. Resplendent.

We sat in the spa last night after dark as the snow flakes wafted down. We left an outdoor light on so we could further appreciate the sight. It was magical. The experience surpassed my summer imaginings.

As we sat in the spa, I utilized the shelf built with the old wood from the arbor. I killed off the last of a bottle of Absente, complete with water and a cane sugar cube. Then, I decided that I must get another. I justified the thought with the double whammy of impending holidays and upcoming snowy evenings in the spa. The anise-flavor of Absente is much less offensive on my breath than Crown Royal or Courvoisier. That is a huge factor since M doesn't imbibe in spirits such as these. An occasional Strawberry Daquiri or a glass or two of wine does it for her. And, I am well aware of the offensive nature of noxious booze breath on those who are not drinking.

YUCK. That can be quite disgusting. I know.

As for M's allergies and asthma, we don't actually know anymore than we did before she got the blood tests. The blood tests didn't come back with any startling results. Unfortunate, but... true. Plus, we were forewarned it may come back that way. Blood testing isn't the most accurate way to test for allergies. But, she did test positive for h. pylori and has been given antibiotics to treat that. The Doctor thought that she may have had that for quite some time and that she might have developed an allergy to it, which would explain her reoccurring hives and overall malaise. He suggested that I get blood tested for it, but..... instead, we ordered some mastic gum - a natural remedy for h. pylori, in the event I have contracted it, too. I hate going to doctors. Doesn't that make it obvious? I admit it, something has to be drastic or obvious for me to go.

November 26, 2002

One more day at the office and we will all be off through the weekend. 4 days off for M and the boys, and 5 off for me. Yay!

Early Thanksgiving morning we're leaving for my brother and his partners house across the state. The first day of our holiday vacation and there will be no sleeping in for us. But, we've been looking forward to this trip, and, to Thanksgiving with our newly extended family.

It should be a festive occasion. Yet there is a cloud overhead because Dave's Mom is failing fast with Alzheimers and a host of related complications. He grew up not far from where we'll be, and, not far from where his Mom is going into a nursing home. She won't be with us tomorrow. Bummer. She had been in an assisted living facility when, after falling several times and suffering a slight stroke, she was hospitalized last Sunday. The Doc first said she might not make it more than a few weeks, later, he relented and said she had a very strong heart and may make it longer.

Losing people sucks. Even if they are old. But, especially if they are but a shell of their former lively selves.

Hopefully, M will be fine tomorrow. She a little worried about her health right now and, well.... I can't say that I'm not - but, I can't think negatively about it either. Worry gets me nowhere. OK. So, it gets me acid reflux. I guess my best bet is to try to relax and have fun and take it as it comes. What else can we do?

I guess if M has any problems, we'll come home. But, she'll have to drive because I plan on drinking some exceptional wine. I can see it now.... me slurring as I give her directions back home. LOL. Let's hope not. If I've got any doubt that she is having a problem, I won't be getting close to the slurred stage.

Chances are.... she'll be fine and I won't slur a bit.

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Hope all of your holidays are happy!

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